The Power of the One
During History lesson, the teacher briefly went through the Kings and Queens who rule countries. “But” the teacher continued, “There is a higher category of power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'
During History lesson, the teacher briefly went through the Kings and Queens who rule countries. “But” the teacher continued, “There is a higher category of power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'
Complementary not Harmony
A great partnership is not when a perfect match comes along. More often it is when they learn to appreciate and leverage off their differences.
End of the Rope
I always knew that if all else failed I could teach bridge – yup, all else did fail.
Expanding Horizons
Sheryl: Why not learn to play Bridge? It is gaining popularity everywhere.
Uplifting Spirits
I never drink alcohol while playing bridge. It interferes with my suffering.
How’s That Again?
Winning does not really matter, as long as you win.
No one around
I was matched up with another player when I showed up without a partner. All through the match, whenever I made a mistake, he would say "No Man is perfect"
Later I found out that his name was Norman.
Later I found out that his name was Norman.
Bottoms Up
I've always believed no matter how many games I win, I'm going to lose the next one.
Cart before the Horse
Some people are so busy learning the various conventions and gadgets of the game; they never fully enjoy the game.
Differing Views
Put 4 bridge players on the table and you’ll get 4 different opinions.
Road to Success
A champion Bridge player is an amateur who did not quit.
Double of Nothing
Joe knows absolutely nothing about the game; his wife plays twice as well.
How’s That Again?
Don't let worries get you down - play Bridge instead
Place of Honour
The Bridge club secretary was very apologetic, "I'm terribly sorry sir, but our registration for the match is full"
"Wait just a minute," the member argued, "If I told you that Zia Mahmood and Bob Hamman want to play, wouldn’t you register them?"
"Most definitely," she answered.
"Well,” said the member “since I happen to know that they both cannot make it, we’ll just take their slot"
"Most definitely," she answered.
"Well,” said the member “since I happen to know that they both cannot make it, we’ll just take their slot"
Rubbing it In
A Notice at a Bridge Club:
Those who failed the bridge course and are depressed with low self esteem, please attend the special extra class on Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.
Trumped
A bridge player accidentally got a girl pregnant. When he visited her and saw her condition, he offered to marry her. She said she will consult her family and get back to him. When he showed up the next day she said “Well after some discussion, we decided it was better to have a bastard than a bridge player in the family”
Between the Lines
Bridge is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkles you get.
Hideous Hog: Probability, playing rules, conventions and systems take the place of thinking. That is why they are so popular.
Hideous Hog: (He) is so bad that he admits to mistakes before he makes them
Hideous Hog: If you award Masterpoints for very good results then, logically, you should deduct them for very bad results.
Papa: I don’t understand why you couldn’t see my signal, partner. Everyone knows that a singleton is the top of nothing.
Papa: I am so good I can false card with a singleton.
Rueful Rabbit: Do you want to play Lavinthal or Odd-Even or natural discards?
T Toucan: Let’s play them all.
Papa: People shouldn’t be allowed to use conventions they don’t understand. It’s not fair to the opponents.
T Toucan: I know we agreed to lead A from AK. Sorry my fault. I promise to have the King next time.
Rueful Rabbit: Shall we play McKenney or Lavinthal discards.
( the same… ed)
Rueful Rabbit: At Grandslam, it was a little difficult to rectify the count.
Charlie Chimp: I can concentrate at will on all the hands except the one I am currently playing.
Rueful Rabbit: Some declarers have difficulty counting the opponent’s distribution. I have the same problem with Dummy’s distribution.
T Toucan: If I work very hard at it, I may be able to achieve mediocrity.
Karapet: Did I tell you about ….
Corgi: Yes
Karapet: I expect the worst in bridge and am rarely disappointed.
Karapet: I am so unlucky that in all my life, no one has ever revoked against me.
Karapet: Through constant practice, I have become an expert loser.
Hideous Hog: Nature is so unfair that I have to be the dummy over ten percent of the time. What a waste of my talent.
Hideous Hog: You made your Ace of trumps. What else can you possibly want?
Papa: Only at Duplicate you get a bottom for using safety plays.
O Owl: Better to play very badly than very good. If things go wrong you are in good company.
Hideous Hog: I am so good I only need a partner who can tell one suit from another.
Hideous Hog: Your bidding and card play are not on the same high level as the rest of your game.
Hideous Hog: I know no one whom I would rather see in charge of the dummy.
Hideous Hog: I will bid natural and you bid “Big Minor”. When you have a NT opening, you call 1C and I will bid your NT. If you have a major, bid 1D and I will bid your major. This way you will not get the stress of being declarer.
Papa: I am the better side and we know it.
Hideous Hog: My partner plus 12 sure tricks equals 11.
Hideous Hog: I am such a fine player, no one can deny my right to be rude.
Hideous Hog: It is blatant insubordination. How dare you bid NT and becomes declarer.
Hideous Hog: I do not doubt your luck and I know no one who needs it more than you.
Hideous Hog: Of course I always hold much better cards than you do. Being declarer is part of my system.
Hideous Hog: My point count system? Extra for long suit, extra for short suit and 3 points for my superb play.
Hideous Hog: The opening lead should always run up to the stronger player.
Fowl Play (Thanksgiving Special Joke)
The national Bridge team was practicing when a large turkey came strutting onto the room and sat down at the table. “Do you mind if I play?”
The players initially humored the bird but pretty soon they were awestruck as the turkey bid perfectly and pulled off amazing plays.
This caught the team captain’s attention “You're terrific!!! Sign up for the team and we will play in the National League, I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus if we win."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is this. Does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is this. Does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
Never Mind
The doctor was checking up on three elderly bridge players who had head injuries from a car accident.
Serene inquired "Doctor, Will I still be able to play bridge?"
The Doctor asked "How many high card points in a deck of cards?"
"60!" the lady replied.
Worried, the doctor turned to Wayne
"Uh, Wednesday!" he shouted.
Even more concerned, the doctor motioned to the other lady. "Well, what do you say, madam? How many high card points in a deck of cards?"
"Forty!" Sheryl replied.
"Excellent!" the doctor exclaimed. "How did you get that?"
"Oh, it's pretty simple," she explained. "You just subtract the 60 from Wednesday!"
Never Mind - A new twist
Sheryl subtracted 60 from Wednesday to get 40. The numerical equivalent of Wednesday is 23+5+4+14+5+4+1+25=100. So there!
Gene Splicing
What do you get when you cross my partner with an ape?
No change occurs.
(My sincerest apologies to the ape)
No change occurs.
(My sincerest apologies to the ape)
I Walk the Line
“There is a fine line between wanting to play bridge every day and mental illness.”
“There is a fine line between wanting to play bridge every day and mental illness.”
Overloaded Bridge
While a physician was examining a new patient's ruddy complexion and blood pressure, the patient said, "I already know I have very high blood pressure, Doc."
While a physician was examining a new patient's ruddy complexion and blood pressure, the patient said, "I already know I have very high blood pressure, Doc."
"Does it come from your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked.
"Neither," Wayne
End Play
Sheryl accompanied Wayne, her bridge partner, to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called Sheryl into his office alone. ”Wayne Wayne
On the way home, Wayne
"He said you're going to die," she replied
"Well," the doctor replied, "The next time you play bridge, bid normally. If she doesn't reply, say it louder and louder. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
Sure enough, the next time they played Rubber Bridge
Sheryl picks up a pen and writes down "For the fourth time, One No Trump"
Running Hot & Cold
Sheryl: Can't play bridge tonight. I have a really bad cold"
Sheryl: Can't play bridge tonight. I have a really bad cold"
Sheryl: uh ... Ok ... I'll try anything
…..the next day…
Sheryl: How should I know? I haven't even finished drinking the bath yet!"
Doctor “If you want to improve your memory and your concentration, you need to get some exercise. A healthy body leads to a healthy mind. Run 10 kilometers a day.”
Two weeks later, Wayne
Doctor "Have you done what I told you?”
Doctor “So has your memory and concentration improved since 2 week ago?"
Daffy-nit-shuns: Amnesia Double
Amnesia Double: When you make a lead directing double when you are going to be on the opening lead
Amnesia Double: When you make a lead directing double when you are going to be on the opening lead
Joe “Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away."
… The next day …
Joe "Did you do what I told you to do?"
Car-Toons
Bridge partners are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the available ones are handicapped.Therefore I Am … not
Many people would sooner die than think -- and usually they do," lamented British
Philosopher Bertrand Russell,
Better than Nothing
All Bridge Players should have at least a murderer in their family, so they will have someone to look up to.
Bitter Half
I play bridge to be entertained. If I wanted to be stressed and abused, I might as well stay home with my wife.
Blown Bulb
How many Bridge players do you need to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and 3 to tell him how he could have done it better.
Saving Grace
Partners are extremely important. Who else to blame when you lose?
Heads He Win, Tails I Lose
A happy partnership is a matter of give and take. You give in and your partner takes credit.
Why Women Love Bridge Players? (original)
They sometimes do a Double before they Pass out.
That Certain Smile
How can you tell if someone is a lousy bridge player?
He has 5 smiling Kibitzers watching him play.
Daffy-nit-shuns - Hand Hog
Hand Hog : A player who thinks he is best qualified to be declarer.
A standard tactic is to avoid showing minor suits and 4-card majors in order to quickly bid NT -- even outside the agreed range and shape.
How Bridge Laws Relate to Real Life (modified from Bridge Magazine)
You telephoned me when my husband was on the other line (Simultaneous Calls) but did not tell me what you wanted (Incomplete Call).
I said I would call back but before I could (Hesitation), you called me again (Call out of Rotation).
Of course I slam down the phone (Call out of Rotation – Rejected).
Then you sent me a letter (Play of Card Accepted) but I was shocked that you asked me out for just a Big Mac (Insufficient Bid).
Of course I refused (Insufficient Bid Rejected).
You then tried to offer me 2 Big Macs (Attempt to Correct with a Double).
Luckily you realised your mistake (Illegal Bid) and offered me an expensive dinner. (Corrected by Sufficient Bid)
During dinner you told me you were single (Deliberate Deception) but luckily I found out the truth from a mutual friend (Unauthorized Information).
Later you dared to ask me to go to your home (Inappropriate Communications) for some action (Illegal Play) and cheat on my husband (Violation of Partnership Agreement).
When I refused you (Claim Rejected) you asked me again (Requirement to Repeat Claim Statement).
You saw that I was hesitating (Extraneous Information from Partner).
You knew I was vulnerable (Scoring) and would give in (Acquiescence Occurs) and follow you (Wrong Lead Accepted).
However I changed my mind in time (Acquiescence in Claim Withdrawn).
Now you did not want to pay for the meal (Retraction of Card Played) and so I left (Play Ceases).
Bridge Over Troubled Waters (original)
My wife finally snapped last month and committed suicide.
For years she has claimed that I'm a Bridge fanatic. She said all I ever read about is Bridge. All I ever talk about is Bridge. All I ever think about is Bridge. So why did she have to jump off a Bridge?
Almost Perfect
Isn't it a shame how 99% of bridge players give the whole game a bad name.
Mental Work-out
After learning bridge, the only exercise I get is letting my imagination run wild!
How’s That Again?
Another Beginner Bridge Course is starting next month. If you missed it the last time, this is your golden opportunity to miss it again.
Tee not Pee
Bridge Success is more attitude than aptitude.
End Play
Doctor: "If you play bridge, the stress will kill you by the time you are 60”
Bridge Player: "But I am 60!"
"Doctor: Have you paid my bill yet?"
Prone Position
There was an old man named Bill who played bridge every week with his partner Fred. His wife always commented on how unhappy he looked after the game. But one day he came home looking really happy.
His wife asked, "What's the matter Bill? You always seem so miserable after bridge and today you are smiling"
Bill said, "Well actually, something terrible happened. Fred had a heart attack and died halfway through the match"
"Oh Dear “said his wife, rushing to comfort him, "but why are you smiling? That must have been terrible!"
"Not too bad" he said, "I still came in 3rd
No Kidding
How many bridge partner jokes are there?
Just two, all the rest are true.
Contract not Contact Bridge
Bridge has proved that you can sit for hours in front of somebody without once making eye contact.
Unique Quality
One good partner is better than ten average ones.
Sticky Problem
They have invented this skin patch that will immediately cure depression. I tested it out during my Bridge session and it worked perfectly. All you need to do is to peel away the backing and stick it across your partner's mouth.
Deafening Silence
When a wise partner holds his tongue, he says more than then when he speaks.
Leapin’ Lizards
What's the difference between my partner and a trampoline?I have to take off my shoes before 1 jump on a trampoline.
Daffy-nit-shuns : Mixed Emotions
Mixed Emotions: Winning a Tournament with your Partner
SOS Redouble
Joe: “HELP, HELP MY BRIDGE PARTNER IS DROWNING”
Passer-by: “Is there something I can do?”
Joe: “Can you swim?”
Passer-by: “Sure”
Joe: “Uh… no thanks … HELP, HELP MY BRIDGE PARTNER IS DROWNING”
Right on Track
“I can’t believe they arrested me. It was an accident. I wasn’t driving fast. I did not see my partner crossing the road until it was too late. Of course everybody knows that not all accidents have skid marks”.
That Sinking Feeling
Joe: I hate my Partner
Sam: Why don’t you find another one?
Joe: No use. Changing partners is like changing cabins on the Titanic.
Nutting at All
What is the difference between my partner and an idiot in an asylum?
The asylum.
No Deal
What's the difference between my partner and a terrorist?
You can sometimes reason with a terrorist.
How’s That Again?
If you cannot annoy your partner, there is little point in playing Bridge.
Moo-dy Blues
I could play bridge with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I’d rather play bridge with the cows until you come home. (Groucho Marx … sort of)
Tongue-Tied
The doctor says to the patient, "Please stick your tongue out and let me see”
The patient complies.
The doctor inspects the throat and says “Now do the same at the man who is waiting outside on your right”
"What will that do?" asks the patient.
The doctor says, "I'm mad at my bridge partner"
Carrying On
Playing Bridge with my partner is as much fun as moving a piano.
Problem Solving
What should you do when your partner is buried up to his neck in sand?
Get more sand. (ok ...ok... stolen from the lawyer jokes)
Bridging the World
In a recent public survey, it was found that …
In Italy, all Bridge Players are important.
In the US, only the successful Bridge Players are important.
In China, all Bridge Players are equally unimportant.
In Singapore, the survey was cancelled because nobody knew what a Bridge Player was.
Splish Splash
Declarers are like ducks. They look cool, calm and unruffled on the surface, but are paddling like crazy underneath.
Why Women Love Bridge Players? (original)
Bridge Players use a strong Club with Precision.
Bridge to Eternity
The devil appeared before a Bridge player and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. "I'll make sure you win every tournament you enter. Your partners will love and worship you. Your opponents will fear and respect you and you will live to be a hundred. All I want in return is your wife's soul which will burn in hell for eternity.
The Bridge player thought for a moment. "Ok, I give up …What's the catch?"
Best of the Worst
Think of how bad your partner is.
Now for the scary part. As your partner was chosen at random, we can rate him as average. Now just imagine half of the partners in the world are worse than that!
Last Step
After all the hard work, confidence is final step to victory.
View from the Top
Bridge is “just a game” unless of course when you win.
Self Confidence
”Of course I talk to myself during bridge. I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
Circle of Life
”Bridge players are NOT out of shape. I’m in shape. Look! Round is a shape.”
Waking Sleeping Dogs
There is nothing wrong with giving advice to your Bridge partner that calm, logical reasoning won't aggravate.
Painful Entertainment
“Why should I learn bridge? It is against my philosophy. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.”
Sacker or Sucker?
The difference between a champ and a chump is u.
The Impossible Dream
A Partner who only gives advice when asked.
No Uno
The element of luck ensures that even the best bridge players do not always win. For example, under-bidders gain when the distribution is bad and over-bidders score on those hands where finesses always work.
How’s That Again?
“My idea of an agreeable partner is someone who always agrees with me.”
Just Desserts
“The only reason I play bridge is to punish my partner.”
No Kidding
A bridge player who talks about his bridge hands is more boring than a mother who talks about her children.
Pass the Dice
A bridge player is trained in the art of inexactitude.
Yum Yum
Bridge and potato chips are alike. You can never have enough of either.
Daffy-nit-shuns - Bridge
Bridge is a Contract Sport
Ahhhhh……
The only reason I prefer Bridge to the movies is that the toilets are usually much closer.
A Hell of a Time
A Singaporean bridge player dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that he is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 40 degrees Celsius and about 80% humidity. So the Devil goes over and asks why he's so happy.
He says, "I like it here, the temperature is just like Singapore."
The Devil isn't happy with the answer. He goes over and turns up the temperature to 45 degrees and the humidity to 90 percent.But the Devil again finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes him again.
"This is even better; it's like a sunny day at the beach in Singapore."
The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the Singaporean suffer, so he turns the heat up to 55 degrees and the humidity to 100 percent.Once again, he goes looking for the guy, and finds him even happier than before!
He turns to the Devil and says, "This is great, I am getting a free sauna."
The Devil goes back to the thermostat and says, "I have been using the wrong strategy. I'll get this guy this time" He turns the temperature down to minus 10 degrees and sets the weather control to SNOW. "Let’s see what he has to say about THIS."
A little while later, the Devil finds the guy -- only NOW he's jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "Hell has frozen over! Singapore has won the Bermuda Bowl"
Heading Up
Sam: Notice any improvement since last year?
Partner: You combed your hair, didn't you?
Goldwater Rule
A suggestion from Tournament Director Harry Goldwater that barring obvious consequences, a lead out of turn should generally be accepted. The rationale being that if a player does not know whose lead it is probably does not know the right lead either!
Mind over Madder
Bridge is the last refuge of brain damaged intellectuals.
How’s That Again?
I tried to learn Bridge but it was too difficult, so I grew underarm hair instead.
7-Up
I am taking a beginner Bridge class. Today’s lesson was on bidding. I have no idea what the instructor was saying but he praised me for being able to count to seven.
Modern Times
I gave my young nephew a pack of cards;
He spent 5 minutes looking for the battery slot.
Alternate Strategy
I have bought a couple of Bridge Books but I find them impossible to understand. The only useful thing I did with them is when I killed an irritating fly.
Long and Winding Bridge
A champion Bridge player is an amateur who did not quit.
How’s That Again?
If you cannot annoy somebody, there is little point in playing Bridge.
Wake-up Call
What is hard and pink in the morning?
The Financial Times Bridge column.
Insufficient Bid
The biggest problem with buying a pack of bridge cards is that brains are not included.
Two Singletons
You should try everything once, except bridge and suicide.
How’s That Again?
There is only one thing worse than playing bridge -- and that is not playing bridge.
No I to Eye
Bridge has proved that you can sit for hours in front of somebody without once making eye contact.
Second Opinion
Sam: My doctor says I shouldn't play Bridge
Partner: Oh? So he has partnered you too, huh?
Half-Baked
“Bridge is about making mistakes and learning from them.
My Partner got half of it right.”
How’s That Again
“Every morning I check the Internet to see if I am on the Forbes 100 Richest List. If I don't see my name, I go and play Bridge.”
A Bridge Story - Et tu, Partner?
Weak Response – When your partner passes your Forcing Bid … followed by …
Double – When the opponents double up with laughter … followed by …
Dummy – What you call your Partner … followed by …
Call – What your partner thinks of you … followed by …
Overcall – What you think of your partner … followed by …
Point Count – When he Points out and Counts all your past mistakes … followed by …
Small Slam – When you slam your cards on the table … followed by …
Grand Slam – When he slams his fist into your face … followed by …
Splinter – When you poke him with the pencil tip ... followed by …
Short Club – When he hits you with a cane … followed by …
Vulnerable – When you start to cry … followed by …
End Play – Bye-bye partnership
Pass me just one Peanut
Does there exist a person who can stop after playing just one hand of Bridge?
Ungrounded
With old age taking its toll, 4 bridge players were complaining."The lettering on the cards seems to be getting smaller every year." moaned the first senior."Yes, that makes it even more difficult to remember them" complained the second."What about the poor printing – the Club and Spades almost look alike." groaned the third.Having heard enough from his three buddies, the oldest and wisest of the group said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the Spades!"
Shining Example
A Bridge expert is like a diamond. A chunk of coal that made good under pressure.
Just Like Superman
If you play bridge without ever having to explain your decision or make an apology, then you obviously don’t exist.
Spanning the Bridge
Our club has a long tradition of Bridge. Between the time when we won our first tournament and the second, there has been 4 Popes.
Stone Deaf
Pay no attention to what your partner tells you ... Remember, no statue has ever been set up in honor of any critic.
Daffy-nit-shuns - Bridge
Bridge is basically Poker on Valium.
Telling it Straight
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Body Parts
3 sportsmen were lost and wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they came upon a dead camel."I play soccer so I will eat the feet” "I play bridge so I'll eat the brain""I play billiards" said the third sportsman "but I seem to have lost my appetite."
Balancing Act (original)
There are times when I want to take out my wife and kids for an entertaining evening. Unfortunately there is no place that will make everyone happy. Someone should organize bridge games with free ice-cream in a massage parlor.
Daffy-nit-shun : Phantom Endplay
Declarer South holds the DA x with the DQ x in dummy. He carefully strips all the side suits and throws East in to lead away from his king of diamonds. Unfortunately West had it.
This is called phantom endplay.
3 comments:
My favorite one is the "round shape" joke, probably because it aptly explains why I look the way I do, ha ha!
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