Prone Position
There was an old man named Bill who played bridge every week with his partner Fred. His wife always commented on how unhappy he looked after the game. But one day he came home looking really happy.
His wife asked, "What's the matter Bill? You always seem so miserable after bridge and today you are smiling"
Bill said, "Well actually, something terrible did happen. Fred had a heart attack and died halfway through the match"
"Oh Dear “said his wife, rushing to comfort him, "that must have been terrible!"
"Not too bad" he said, "I still came in 3rd
No Kidding
How many bridge partner jokes are there?
Just two, all the rest are true.
Contract not Contact Bridge
Bridge has proved that you can sit for hours in front of somebody without once making eye contact.
Unique Quality
One good partner is better than ten average ones.
Sticky Problem
They have invented this skin patch that will immediately cure depression. I tested it out during my Bridge session and it worked perfectly. All you need to do is to peel away the backing and stick it across your partner's mouth.
Deafening Silence
When a wise partner holds his tongue, he says more than then when he speaks.
Leapin’ Lizards
What's the difference between my partner and a trampoline?I have to take off my shoes before 1 jump on a trampoline.
Daffy-nit-shuns : Mixed Emotions
Mixed Emotions: Winning a Tournament with your Partner
SOS Redouble
Joe: “HELP, HELP MY BRIDGE PARTNER IS DROWNING”
Passer-by: “Is there something I can do?”
Joe: “Can you swim?”
Passer-by: “Sure”
Joe: “Uh… no thanks … HELP, HELP MY BRIDGE PARTNER IS DROWNING”
Right on Track
“I can’t believe they arrested me. It was an accident. I wasn’t driving fast. I did not see my partner crossing the road until it was too late. Of course everybody knows that not all accidents have skid marks”.
That Sinking Feeling
Joe: I hate my Partner
Sam: Why don’t you find another one?
Joe: No use. Changing partners is like changing cabins on the Titanic.
Nutting at All
What is the difference between my partner and an idiot in an asylum?
The asylum.
No Deal
What's the difference between my partner and a terrorist?
You can sometimes reason with a terrorist.
How’s That Again?
If you cannot annoy your partner, there is little point in playing Bridge.
Moo-dy Blues
I could play bridge with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I’d rather play bridge with the cows until you come home. (Grouch Marx … sort of)
Tongue-Tied
The doctor says to the patient, "Please stick your tongue out and let me see”
The patient complies.
The doctor inspects the throat and says “Now do the same at the man who is waiting outside on your right”
"What will that do?" asks the patient.
The doctor says, "I'm mad at my bridge partner"
Carrying On
Playing Bridge with my partner is as much fun as moving a piano.
Problem Solving
What should you do when your partner is buried up to his neck in sand?
Get more sand. (ok ...ok... stolen from the lawyer jokes)
Bridging the World
In a recent public survey, it was found that …
In Italy, all Bridge Players are important.
In the US, only the successful Bridge Players are important.
In China, all Bridge Players are equally unimportant.
In Singapore, the survey was cancelled because nobody knew what a Bridge Player was.
Splish Splash
Declarers are like ducks. They look cool, calm and unruffled on the surface, but are paddling like crazy underneath.
Why Women Love Bridge Players? (original)
Bridge Players use a strong Club with Precision.
Bridge to Eternity
The devil appeared before a Bridge player and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. "I'll make sure you win every tournament you enter. Your partners will love and worship you. Your opponents will fear and respect you and you will live to be a hundred. All I want in return is your wife's soul which will burn in hell for eternity.
The Bridge player thought for a moment. "Ok, I give up …What's the catch?"
Best of the Worst
Think of how bad your partner is.
Now for the scary part. As your partner was chosen at random, we can rate him as average. Now just imagine half of the partners in the world are worse than that!
Last Step
After all the hard work, confidence is final step to victory.
View from the Top
Bridge is “just a game” unless of course when you win.
Self Confidence
”Of course I talk to myself during bridge. I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
Circle of Life
”Bridge players are NOT out of shape. I’m in shape. Look! Round is a shape.”
Waking Sleeping Dogs
There is nothing wrong with giving advice to your Bridge partner that calm, logical reasoning won't aggravate.
Painful Entertainment
“Why should I learn bridge? It is against my philosophy. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.”
Sacker or Sucker?
The difference between a champ and a chump is u.
The Impossible Dream
A Partner who only gives advice when asked.
No Uno
The element of luck ensures that even the best bridge players do not always win. For example, under-bidders gain when the distribution is bad and over-bidders score on those hands where finesses always work.
How’s That Again?
“My idea of an agreeable partner is someone who always agrees with me.”
Just Desserts
“The only reason I play bridge is to punish my partner.”
No Kidding
A bridge player who talks about his bridge hands is more boring than a mother who talks about her children.
Pass the Dice
A bridge player is trained in the art of inexactitude.
Yum Yum
Bridge and potato chips are alike. You can never have enough of either.
Daffy-nit-shuns - Bridge
Bridge is a Contract Sport
Ahhhhh……
The only reason I prefer Bridge to the movies is that the toilets are usually much closer.
A Hell of a Time
A Singaporean bridge player dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that he is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 40 degrees Celsius and about 80% humidity. So the Devil goes over and asks why he's so happy.
He says, "I like it here, the temperature is just like Singapore."
The Devil isn't happy with the answer. He goes over and turns up the temperature to 45 degrees and the humidity to 90 percent.But the Devil again finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes him again.
"This is even better; it's like a sunny day at the beach in Singapore."
The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the Singaporean suffer, so he turns the heat up to 55 degrees and the humidity to 100 percent.Once again, he goes looking for the guy, and finds him even happier than before!
He turns to the Devil and says, "This is great, I am getting a free sauna."
The Devil goes back to the thermostat and says, "I have been using the wrong strategy. I'll get this guy this time" He turns the temperature down to minus 10 degrees and sets the weather control to SNOW. "Let’s see what he has to say about THIS."
A little while later, the Devil finds the guy -- only NOW he's jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "Hell has frozen over! Singapore has won the Bermuda Bowl"
Heading Up
Sam: Notice any improvement since last year?
Partner: You combed your hair, didn't you?
Goldwater Rule
A suggestion from Tournament Director Harry Goldwater that barring obvious consequences, a lead out of turn should generally be accepted. The rationale being that if a player does not know whose lead it is probably does not know the right lead either!
Mind over Madder
Bridge is the last refuge of brain damaged intellectuals.
How’s That Again?
I tried to learn Bridge but it was too difficult, so I grew underarm hair instead.
7-Up
I am taking a beginner Bridge class. Today’s lesson was on bidding. I have no idea what the instructor was saying but he praised me for being able to count to seven.
Modern Times
I gave my young nephew a pack of cards;
He spent 5 minutes looking for the battery slot.
Alternate Strategy
I have bought a couple of Bridge Books but I find them impossible to understand. The only useful thing I did with them is when I killed an irritating fly.
Long and Winding Bridge
A champion Bridge player is an amateur who did not quit.
How’s That Again?
If you cannot annoy somebody, there is little point in playing Bridge.
Wake-up Call
What is hard and pink in the morning?
The Financial Times Bridge column.
Insufficient Bid
The biggest problem with buying a pack of bridge cards is that brains are not included.
Two Singletons
You should try everything once, except bridge and suicide.
How’s That Again?
There is only one thing worse than playing bridge -- and that is not playing bridge.
No I to Eye
Bridge has proved that you can sit for hours in front of somebody without once making eye contact.
Second Opinion
Sam: My doctor says I shouldn't play Bridge
Partner: Oh? So he has partnered you too, huh?
Half-Baked
“Bridge is about making mistakes and learning from them.
My Partner got half of it right.”
How’s That Again
“Every morning I check the Internet to see if I am on the Forbes 100 Richest List. If I don't see my name, I go and play Bridge.”
A Bridge Story - Et tu, Partner?
Weak Response – When your partner passes your Forcing Bid … followed by …
Double – When the opponents double up with laughter … followed by …
Dummy – What you call your Partner … followed by …
Call – What your partner thinks of you … followed by …
Overcall – What you think of your partner … followed by …
Point Count – When he Points out and Counts all your past mistakes … followed by …
Small Slam – When you slam your cards on the table … followed by …
Grand Slam – When he slams his fist into your face … followed by …
Splinter – When you poke him with the pencil tip ... followed by …
Short Club – When he hits you with a cane … followed by …
Vulnerable – When you start to cry … followed by …
End Play – Bye-bye partnership
Pass me just one Peanut
Does there exist a person who can stop after playing just one hand of Bridge?
Ungrounded
With old age taking its toll, 4 bridge players were complaining."The lettering on the cards seems to be getting smaller every year." moaned the first senior."Yes, that makes it even more difficult to remember them" complained the second."What about the poor printing – the Club and Spades almost look alike." groaned the third.Having heard enough from his three buddies, the oldest and wisest of the group said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the Spades!"
Shining Example
A Bridge expert is like a diamond. A chunk of coal that made good under pressure.
Just Like Superman
If you play bridge without ever having to explain your decision or make an apology, then you obviously don’t exist.
Spanning the Bridge
Our club has a long tradition of Bridge. Between the time when we won our first tournament and the second, there has been 4 Popes.
Stone Deaf
Pay no attention to what your partner tells you ... Remember, no statue has ever been set up in honor of any critic.
Daffy-nit-shuns - Bridge
Bridge is basically Poker on Valium.
Telling it Straight
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Body Parts
3 sportsmen were lost and wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they came upon a dead camel."I play soccer so I will eat the feet” "I play bridge so I'll eat the brain""I play billiards" said the third sportsman "but I seem to have lost my appetite."
Balancing Act (original)
There are times when I want to take out my wife and kids for an entertaining evening. Unfortunately there is no place that will make everyone happy. Someone should organise bridge games with free ice-cream in a massage parlor.
Daffy-nit-shun : Phantom Endplay
Declarer South holds the DA x with the DQ x in dummy. He carefully strips all the side suits and throws East in to lead away from his king of diamonds. Unfortunately West had it.
This is called phantom endplay.
