Back up Plan
“We can't all be full-time Bridge Players. There must be someone who has to work to support us.”

“Lucky we don’t have bridge players for neighbours, otherwise our street will become a dump site in no time. All they ever talk about is discard this, discard that...”

Bird Brain?
Bridge players are like woodpeckers. They succeed by using their head.

Living Dangerously
The Americans were desperate. They had 3 great players for the Bermuda Bowl World Bridge Championships but could not find a suitable 4th. Finally in the slums of Iraq they found an unknown bridge genius. They quickly made him a US citizen and a member of the team. True to expectations, the ex-Iraqi was the anchor man and showed amazing bid judgment and made many impossible contracts. After winning the tournament, he excitedly called his mother and told her the news.

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman said. "You deserted us. You're not my son."

“But mother," the young man pleaded. "I just won the greatest Bridge event in the world. I'm in the middle of hundreds of adoring fans and a huge bonus is coming my way."
“No, let me tell you," the mother sobs. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubbish and rubble. Last week, your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight ... (sniff … sniff…) … I’ll never forgive you for making us move to New York."

Bridge is gaining popularity and it is now everywhere in the world … just like AIDS.

Splitting Honours
During a Bridge party there are those who want to play on and those that are totally fed up and want to go home. The trouble is that they are always a partnership.

As easy as zzz
“I have often won major tournaments and pulled off impossible slams.
Unfortunately it’s always in my dreams.”

Bottom Line
The difference between a fantastic bid and a stupid bid is largely a matter of result.

How’s That Again?
The inherent downside in looking for a new bridge partner is the possibility of that you might actually get one.

Over the Top
If you think the contract looks easy, be careful, you may be going downhill.

How’s That Again?
“I found out that my husband had been sneaking out to play bridge. When I confronted him with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.”

Over the Hill
“Since my bridge partner turned 45, she not only forgets the cards but has been exceptionally short-tempered when I point it out. I think she is going through her mental pause.”

Bottom Feeders
“I always knew that if all else failed I could go back and play professional bridge -- as you can see, all else has failed.”

It Does Not Add Up
Joe : I am not such a bad bridge player. I can count all the partners I ever had in just one hand.

Sam : You must be holding a calculator.

Airing Your Frustration
You can always tell when a partnership is in trouble. Little things start getting in your nerves.

“Would you please stop that!! That breathing in and out. It’s so repetitious.”

Beating the Odds
Take care of your bridge partner; Make him feel important and smart. If you can do that, you will have a happy and wonderful partnership ... Just like 1 out of 100 partnerships.

Bridge Under Troubled Waters
I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can never get my partner to go swimming.

Long Rocky Road
My partner and I have been partnering for 40 years … out of spite.

Falling Uphill
"Do you think my game is improving?"

Of course. You only go down 2 nowadays.

That Sinking Feeling
Taking advice from my bridge partner is like taking sailing lessons from the captain of the Titanic

Alcatraz Coup
Consider this situation. A J 10 in Dummy and K x x in Declarer’s hand. How to guarantee 3 tricks? Think about it for a minute before reading on.
Declarer leads the J from dummy and on getting a low card from RHO, revokes by playing a side suit! LHO will either play a low a card or the Q. If the card is low, Declarer corrects his unestablished revoke with a low card. If the Q is played, he corrects it with the K. Of course, LHO is permitted to take back his Q without penalty, but now the marked finesse gives 3 tricks!
If something like this happens against you, call the director. Any qualified competent director will use Law 12 (Director’s Discretionary Powers) to rectify damage to ensure you at least get the Q trick or Average Plus. If the Director feels there are ethical issues involved, the penalty will be very severe on the declarer including suspension or debarment.

Divine Intervention
I just learned Bridge and I play really bad. Fortunately, there are many understanding and kind people at my church who don't mind partnering me and accepting me for what I am ... a punishment from God.

Daffy-nit-shuns : Politeness
Politeness is not saying bad things about your partner until you are at least 50 metres away.

Unlucky for Some
Not everyone hates my Partner ... Only those who have partnered him.

Losing Your Match
My Bridge partner ran off with my wife: and let me tell you, I really miss him.

Relatively Speaking
Bridge partners are like husbands -- they are fine as long as they are someone else's.

Putting into Perspective
The purpose of Bridge parties is to remind you that there are partners who are worse than yours.

Brain Drain
My partner has a brain like Einstein’s --- dead since 1955.

Going Green
If my partner's IQ gets any lower, I will have to water him.

I call my partner “sperm”. They both have 1 chance in three million of becoming a human being.

Gift of the Gab?
My Partner has a very sharp tongue. I am hoping he cuts his own throat with it.

Semi-Grey Matter
When my Bridge partner goes to a mind-reader, he gets half price.

Points to Ponder
The late British expert Alan Hiron captained the Junior Team at the European Championships in Prague in 1968. For transport, he hired a Skoda and overloaded it with his whole team and also some press personnel and supporters. Needless to say, he was stopped by the police. One of the bridge correspondents in the car was Robert Sheehan. He calmly produced his Masterpoints Card and had a quiet private talk with the cop. They were let off with a warning.

This is the only recorded instance of Masterpoints being of any practical use.

Confusion Says …Secret of happy partnership is ....... still a secret.

Lost Cause
Losing a bridge partner can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible

Shooting Blanks
Bridge is something like photography, if you don't focus; all you have is the negative.

How’s That Again?
I somehow get the feeling that bridge would be more enjoyable if it had been played with a soccer ball.

Confusion Says

Man without bridge is like neck without pain.

Butt Of Course
The only reason I prefer sex to bridge is because I get to smoke a cigarette afterwards.

New Deal
I told my wife that I don’t want to be there for the birth of our child.
I don’t see why my bridge game should also be ruined.

Bridging the Years

I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, "I wanna grow up and be a bridge player"

Bad Break

You must excuse my bridge partner. He suffered a stroke a few years ago which rendered him totally annoying.

Scotch and Water
Giving bridge advice to Zia Mahmood is like giving a fish a bath.

Shoveling Dirt
My new neighbor was helping me with some gardening. I knew immediately that he was a Bridge player when it took him almost 2 minutes to understand what I meant when I asked him to "Pass the Spade".

Final Resting Place
Bridge is the last refuge of those who have nothing to do.

Three Reasons why Bridge is Better
The Ten Commandments does not say anything about not playing bridge

You can have a bridge calendar on your wall at the office, tell bridge jokes and invite co-workers home to play bridge without being sued for harassment.

If the partnership agrees on “forcing two over one”, it wouldn't be considered abnormal.

Wake-up Call
Retirement is one long sweet dream, and bridge is the damn alarm clock.

Yes … but
Bridge players are OK; I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.

How’s That Again?
A finesse is the most boring way to make a contract. I rather go down on a squeeze play.

Bridge is the Septic Tank of the intellectual.

Well Protected
“I played Bridge once when I was 12 years old. It was like an inoculation and made me immune from it for the rest of my life.”

Passing Fancy
No point flirting with a Bridge player -- they just pass you by.

Two Birds with One Stone
“My wife says if I go to a bridge game one more time she's going to leave me.
Gosh, I'm going to miss her.”

Daffy-nit-shuns : Bidding
Bidding is a rest period between arguments.

No Kidding
A measure of a person’s mental stability is the degree to which they can play bridge as though it is just a game.

Redeeming Feature
Anyone who hates bridge can’t be all bad.

Wrong Bridge
A maintenance engineer shouts in his cell phone: “There is no goddamn bridge here! Only a bunch of crazy people gathering around card tables”

Never-ending Story

“Every night when I go to bed I think about my mistakes at the bridge table.”
“Gee,” his partner said, “how do you get any sleep?”

Fallback Position
People are born to suffer. Even those that were initially free from suffering somehow end up playing bridge.

It Doesn’t Add up
If winning isn't important, why does everyone look at the score?

Bloody Good
Bridge is easy. You only need to concentrate until a drop of blood forms on your forehead.

Roger Rabbit
My boyfriend says he reads Playboy for the interesting articles. Right! Sure! And I play Bridge for the abuse.

Double Strip Squeeze
Coincidentally, I did my first Squeeze in a Bridge game in the afternoon and did a Squeeze on my first date that same night. I never had time for bridge ever since.

One Leg Up
Asking a bridge player what he thinks about being criticized is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs

Bridge of Steal
Did you know that Bridge is punishment for shoplifting in some countries?

How’s That Again?
I wouldn’t partner anyone who would have me as his partner.

Keeping it Straight
Teaching Bridge without mentioning the arguments is like sending someone to war without mentioning that people are going to get killed.

No Cue Bid
Playing Bridge when you are 80 is like playing Billiards with a rope.

End Play

The only difference between bridge and life-long suffering is, with life-long suffering, nobody is going to make fun of you.

Mental Problem

Half the game is mental; unfortunately the other half is mental too.

“Some people ask the secret of our long and harmonious marriage as my wife and I both play bridge. Well, we take time to go to a restaurant. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, dancing and later, of course, lots of bridge. … She goes Saturday, I go Sunday."

Better than Nothing
The invention of bridge was not an accident. It was developed to meet the important needs of a certain group of people in a particular intellectual bracket. Those people got tired of playing “Pin the tail on the Donkey”

Point of View
"If Bridge is only a game then the Grand Canyon is only a hole"

Bridge over Troubled Waters
Bridge has kept more people sane than psychiatrists have.

A Reason why Bridge is better
There is nothing embarrassing about playing a short club.

How’s That Again?
My Bidding may be bad but at least I make up for it with my atrocious play.

Daffy-nit-shun : Finesse
“Finesse” – a refined gesture or articulation incorporating a delicacy of manipulation.
If you don’t understand that, make no attempt to have it explained by a bridge player.

Who’s the Fool?
Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.

Wrong Partner
Being with a woman all night never hurt a bridge player’s ability to concentrate on his game the following day.
It's staying up all night looking for the woman that does him in.

Just One More Game Please
There are two things in my life which I really love: my family and bridge.
The only problem is once I start playing, I change the order around a bit.

Do you get mad and angry during the bridge game?
If so, then whenever you are the dummy, just go outside, take some deep breaths, stretch your arms, count to 10 and kick the cat.

Why marry a bridge player
1. They have great hands
2. They are used to scoring
3. They are good at squeezes
4. They are excellent at end plays

Cracked Bridge
I finally figured out that playing bridge almost everyday is same thing, more or less, as having a personality disorder.

Sweeter than sweet
Bridge is a chocolate substitute.

Bridge to Hell

“Damn it. You must learn to play bridge. You can’t always be living for pleasure.”

Penalty Double
I know the dying process begins the moment we are born, but somehow it accelerates when we play Bridge.

Limited Options
Cigarettes and bridge are the perfect type of pleasure. It gives you immediate gratification and leaves you unsatisfied. What more can one want?

Win-win Option
If you want to win at Bridge, play with children ... and if you fall behind, it is easy to cheat.

C’est La Vie

Since I started playing Bridge, I have more stress, weigh more, exercise less and care less.

Bridge to Paradise

If the doctor ever tells you that you have just a few months to live, don't get depressed. Learn to play Bridge. Quite soon, you will look forward to your death.

Seeing the Future
I you want to know what you will look like 10 years from now, just play 3 sessions of Bridge in a day for a week.

Weighing the Benefits
Of course a loving wife is better than winning a Bridge tournament. But I am not sure about 2 Bridge Tournaments.

As Eye See It
When you are doing well, you are a good player. When they are doing well, they are lucky.

Parental Guidance
Of course prostitutes sometimes get pregnant by mistake. Where do you think Bridge Players come from?

Screw it on Tighter
How many Bridge players do you need to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and 3 to tell him how he could have done it better.

End Play
Bridge is an addiction only curable by death.

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