2004

A Question of Priority

A man was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the local park at 9pm that night if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again.
He didn't arrive until after 11pm. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, "What took ya so long? You're over two hours late."
"Hey! Give me a break," whined the man. "They needed a fourth for bridge at the club."

Sick Six Sex

A bridge fanatic husband and his wife played bridge all afternoon at the club and adjourn for dinner. He goes over every hand with his wife, writing on every napkin, not to mention their tablecloth. They go back, play another session, and adjourn to the same restaurant for a late snack. Again he starts to go over the hands. Finally the wife says "Bill, I can't take it any more, can't we talk about something else, anything else like politics, the movies, sports, sex?
Bill says, "Sex? Yes, I remember, on board number sex, I had sex diamonds to the king queen..."

Joke Puzzle – Lonely King

Opposition has not bid and the declarer (who is from China) plays in a 6NT contract. He has a small doubleton club in his hand and a doubleton CK-C3 in dummy. He leads his low club and plays the C3 from dummy and incredibly dropping the singleton Ace and thus making his contract. What is this play called?


A Peeking Duck


Aggressive Modern Bidding
Thanks to modern bidding, many pairs have no difficulty reaching their 19-point game. The difficulty, of course, will come in the play.

Sympathy for the Devil
What is the difference between partnering the Devil and partnering your wife?
The Devil shuts up after you admit your mistake.


The Easier Option
A bridge novice was polishing a lamp and… poof! Out popped a genie. “There is a recession on, I can grant you only one wish.”
The novice thought a while and said, “I wish for world peace.”
“You’ve got to be kidding! I’m only a genie.”
The novice thought again and then suggested, “OK, then make me the best bridge player.”
“Hmm… ” The genie pondered. “Now let me see … How many countries are there in the world again….”

Daffy-Nit-Shuns : Trump Coup
Triumph of Ivana’s attorneys in securing a huge alimony.

Daffy-Nit-Shuns : Law of Total Tricks
Recent Las Vegas ordinance to reduce prostitution.

Regal Problems
Smart bridge players don’t get married because they know that 5 Queens is one too many.

Why Bridge is Better
You can blame your partner for a poor performance.

As Eye See It
A Bridge match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.

Murphy’s Law – Making Your Contract
If there is more than one way to play the hand, you will always choose the way that brings you down

Guaranteed Way to Play Better Bridge
If you really want to get better at Bridge, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Confusion Says …
Man who plays Bridge once a week is sociable. Man who plays 4 times a week is competitive. Man who plays every day has no life.

Conserving Space
Unlike most sports, you only need 15cm of space to play bridge -- the distance between your ears.

Endless Enigma
Bridge is for people who like to do puzzles without answers.


Bridge et al
There is more to life than Bridge, but not much more.

I, Chimp
A popular bar hired a genetically modified chimpanzee bartender. A fellow came in for a drink and the chimp asked him “What's your IQ?”
The man bluffed, “150”
So the chimp proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, relativity, and so on.
The man listened intently and thought, 'This is really cool.'
The man decided to test the chimp again. He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again, the chimp asked him, 'What's your IQ?'
The man responded, “100.”
So the chimp started talking about current events, politics, and so on.
The man thought to himself, “Wow, this is amazing.”
The man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the chimp asked him, 'What's your IQ?'
The man replied, “50.”
“So” the chimp said, “how was your bridge game last night?”

Divine Consequences
Tom was a Bridge fanatic and a religious man as well. He would play bridge everyday. Tom was getting on in years, and one day after feeling rather poorly, he remarked to his wife, "I sure hope there is Bridge in the after-life"
The moment he finished uttering those words, he heard a voice thunder, "Tom, this is God, I hear you and will answer your question. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?"
Tom was startled, "Well, give me the good news, O God".
God replied, "The good news is that we have over 1000 Bridge Clubs with players of all standards. Your finesses will always work and everybody is really nice and polite."
Tom was ecstatic, "That is wonderful! What possibly can be the bad news?"
God replied, "You start playing tomorrow at 9:00 am."

Why Bridge is Better
You are not likely to get into trouble if you play with someone else's partner.

Allies to Opponents
There's no game like Bridge. You start to play with three friends and finish with two.


The 12 Laws of Bridge

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last hand was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the last hand of the match, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend well over the course of a tournament … actually your lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best game of bridge will be followed almost immediately by your worst ever. The intensity of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Finesses never work. If one does, the law of the universe has been broken and life as we know it will come to an end … and it is your fault.

LAW 4: As soon as you fail to make your contract, your partner will look to the ceiling and shake his head. It is totally irrelevant that your partner supported your suit with a void.

LAW 5: Incompetence has no correlation to years of experience. You will go downhill without ever reaching the top.

LAW 6: The more points or trumps you hold in your hand, the worse the distribution will be. This bridge law mocks the law of statistics. When you have an 8-card trump fit, not only will the split be (at least) 4-1, but the opponent with the singleton will get a ruff.

LAW 7: A smiling opponent is the most painful torture known to man. Pretending that you did not see the smile quadruples the pain.

LAW 8: You will always forget whether a critical card has been played when it matters the most. No matter how you decide, it will always be wrong. Law 7 will immediately follow this.

LAW 9: No matter how well you shuffle the cards, the Ace will sit behind your King. (see Law 3 and Elvis Presley Coup)

LAW 10: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you. Law 7 will immediately follow this.

LAW 11: No matter how well you are doing, the last three hands will automatically drop your score to what it really should be.

LAW 12: Bridge should be given up at least twice per month and whenever Law 7 occurs.

Daffy-nit-shuns : Losing at Bridge:
A continuous hangover without the Intoxication.

Daffy-nit-shuns – Bridge Mistake
A 'mistake' in bridge is any action, either in bidding or play, which is unsuccessful.

Sarcasm Overheard at the Bridge Table
Bridge Player: "You've got to be the worst partner in the world!"
Partner: "I doubt it, that would be too much of a coincidence"

Bridge Player: " Well, Partner, How do you like my play?"
Partner: "Very good! But personally I prefer Bridge."

Bridge Player: "Sorry Partner, I have never played this badly before!"
Partner: "I didn't realize you have played before."

Bridge Player: " Do you think my game is improving?"
Partner: "Oh yes! You only go down one nowadays"

Bridge Player: "Do you think it is a sin to play Bridge on Sunday?"
Partner: "The way you play, it's a crime any day of the week!"

Divine Punishment
Bridge is a game invented by God to punish people who retire early.

Still Short
He is an excellent declarer and can always make one trick more than others. Unfortunately, he bids two levels too high.


Tip of the Month --Escaping Problems
The real test of a bridge player isn't in keeping out of trouble, but how to escape once he is in it.

Goren Pisang
Helen Sobel is arguable one of the best woman players of all time. However there was a time when she was just starting out in her bridge career and had the rare opportunity to partner the legendary Charles Goren.

When asked by a journalist what it feels like to play with a really great player, she casually pointed to Goren and said “Ask him!”

Total Recall
Two great players, Robert Sheehan and Jonathan Cansino, had been having a terrible game. Of course each thinks it is the other's fault. Finally Sheehan hands Jonathan a tiny piece of blank paper and says:
"Here Jonathan, write down everything you know about bridge."
Jonathan replies: "Well, it's a bigger piece of paper than I would have given you."


Puzzle – Weakest Winning Trick
Can a hand holding four 2s, four 3s, four 4s and one 5 legally win a trick in No Trumps? Of course the answer is “yes” otherwise why would it be a puzzle. But you will have to wreck your brains to figure it out how it can happen. Knowledge of obscure laws of Bridge is definitely an asset.

Puzzle – Hand Patterns
How many hand patterns are there? (Disregard suit order)
29 (B) 39 (C) 49 (D) 59 )


I Say, Old Chap ….
A bridge game was going on in a bridge club in London. Old Mr. Jones memory isn’t what it used to be. After opening Hearts, he ended up playing 7NT but thought it was 7H. The opponents led the CA and the dummy went down with a void in Clubs.
“Ruff low please.” said Mr. Jones
“I would loved to” replied his partner.

Facing the Problem
A bridge teacher explaining duplicate bridge protocol tells this lady to make her opening leads face down. She promptly puts her head on the table and leads a card – face up!

Squeaky Clean
Sam: I don’t know what happened. My mind went blank like it has been brainwashed.
Joe: Your brain has not only been washed, it has been dry-cleaned

Dirty Low Down Spade
A weak player hires John to be his partner in a high stakes game. The weak player leads the SK and John has the S 10 9 8. John knows that if he plays the 8 his partner will think it is a high card and will continue the suit, which will be awful. So what to do?
He pulls out the S8, purposely drops it under the table and spends a long time trying to fish it out. Finally his partner asks him what he is looking for. John replies; Oh nothing, I just dropped a low spade."

Mumbo Jumbo
“As I was saying,” the Bridge Instructor continued, “the working ruffing finesse can be viewed as a simple Morton Coup which allows the declarer to trump or sluff if the opponent covers or else discard a loser if he doesn’t. There are also en passant possibilities.”
The instructor noticed that one student of his class was not taking notes. When asked why, he replied
“Well, I am waiting until you start speaking English”

Vile Reptile
After watching “Jurassic Park”, Jane asked Sue if she thought whether a T. Rex dinosaur could be cloned.
“What do you mean by “could be”. Have you seen my bridge partner?”

Equality
Ms. Bertha never partners men, as she firmly believes that all men were created equal. Equally incompetent, that is.

Invisible Clues
“There are no blind opening leads, only deaf bridge players”
– Old bridge adage.

How’s That Again?
After Sam led a Diamond 7, declarer asked his partner what kind of leads they play.
Joe answered “His lead could be a fourth best from the middle of a top of nothing.”

How’s That Again?
My Partner bid a “lead directing” Double to tell himself what to lead.

Daffy-nit-shuns -- Gerber Convention
Gerber Convention — annual meeting of baby-food manufacturers

Daffy-nit-shuns -- Short Club
Short Club — a private organization for midgets

Right or Wrong Rule?
Remember the guy who led the 8 from 98 doubleton because his teacher told him "eight ever, nine never."



Most Important Factor to Win a Tournament
It was unanimously agreed among all the top bridge players that the most important factor to win a tournament is to show up.


It's All Relative
While a bridge tournament was going on, Satan suddenly appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the bridge club except for one man, who sit calmly in his chair, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been partnering to your sister for 25 years."


What a Downer!
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
- Rodney Dangerfield


Make It Easy
Regardless of what sadistic impulses we may harbor, winning bridge means helping partner avoid mistakes.
Frank Stewart


Bridge Dikshunairy " Bozone
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding bridge players that stops bright ideas from penetrating. Unlike the Ozone layer, the Bozone layer shows no sign of weakening.


Better You than Me
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
- Alfred Sheinwold


Reaching Your Potential
The difference between genius and stupidity at bridge is that genius has its limits.


Spouse Grouse
If you play bridge with your wife as a partner you need at least 20 points to open the bidding and it wouldn't hurt to have 25.
- Joe James


Bitter Half
When arguing while partnering their spouse, most men view it as a matter of wife or deaf.

Daffy-nit-shuns
Takeout Double "the one that your partner passes.


Bridge Movies
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" Singapore's chance of winning the Bermuda Bowl World Championship.


Important Bridge Rules
Rule of Eleven

the inevitable trick total whenever you bid a slam.


Brain Pain
Bridge is a self-inflicted punishment for people with too much time and intelligence.


Sign that You are a Bridge Addict
Your idea of a good time on a beautiful weekend is to go indoors and play.


Why Bridge is Better
You can stop in the middle and have a burger and a couple of beers.


The Gum Wrapper Coup
Not many books will tell you the secret of the "Gum Wrapper Coup" but "THE GRANDSLAM" will enlighten you -- whether you like it or not.

This is how it works. The bidding is complete and it is your crucial opening lead. You look at your cards intently (for effect, of course) then look at the ceiling (for inspiration, of course), then you slowly unwrap the paper of your Wrigley's (to eat, of course) and delicately place it in your mouth (the gum, not the wrapper, stupid).

By now your opponents must be really annoyed at your time wasting tactics and the dummy is itching to put down his cards and go to the loo. When you feel that the opponents are ready to call in the director, you slam the flattened Gum Wrapper from under your palm on to the table.

If all goes according to plan, dummy will immediately lay down the cards. By the time he realizes his mistake, you have already glanced at the cards and are ready with the killing opening lead.

The "gum wrapper" coup was said to have been invented by David Burnstine in the 1930s and the first victim was none other than the great Ely Culbertson.

THE GRANDSLAM takes no responsibility for the accuracy of the story and is not responsible for any grievous bodily harm that might result from the execution of the coup.



Death Wish
I want to die before my wife. If she goes up there ahead of me and tells everybody about all my bridge mistakes, I will never get a decent partner.



I Just Don't Get No Respect
In the last issue of Grandslam, readers were told about the ability of P. Hal Sims to locate the Queen in a 2-way finesse. Well, aside from his body language reading ability, he was also a partner that appears in your worst nightmare.

According to legend, he once partnered B. Jay Becker, the world-renowned bridge master who represented the USA many times in his illustrious career. Nevertheless, that did not restrain Sims. For an alleged mistake during a tournament, he roared "Becker, you idiot, you nincompoop, you dunderhead…"

Becker took him aside and said "Mr. Sims, if we are going to have a successful partnership you'll have to treat me with more respect."

Sims cooled down after this. Later in the match Sims once again felt that Becker made a mistake. Remembering to treat Becker with more respect, he chose his words carefully, "MISTER Becker, you idiot, you nincompoop, you dunderhead…"

Ever since that incident, Becker has always been called Mr. Becker.



Murphy's Laws of Bridge Opponents –by inzane
1. No matter how badly your opponents bid, they will always end up in the correct contract.

2. No matter how badly your opponents play, you will hold the exact cards and distribution to allow them to make.


A Full Circle
A bridge expert smiles with approval as he watches others commit the same mistakes as he used to make in order to become an expert.

Eternity
Eternity is hard to conceive unless you are partnering a novice in a tournament.

As Tears Go By
A certain lady who plays bridge wears contact lenses that often requires lubrication. She asked her friend, who also wears contact lenses, how she handles it.

"As you know" her friend said, "there is no time to go to the ladies and apply eye-drops during the game. So I try to cry to lubricate my eyes."

"And how do you manage to do that?"

"Easy! I just think about my partner's mistakes."



Emergency Escape
A doctor answered the phone at his home and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for bridge," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "There are three doctors there already!"



Exterior Motives
There was a heavy snowfall that evening and the bridge club was not expecting many people to brave the storm to attend their weekly bridge game. Finally 2 unshaven guys with tattoos walk in.

"For you guys to show up in this weather, you must really love the game" the convenor said.

"Nah, I just wanted to try out my 4-wheel drive truck under extreme conditions" the guy replies.



Modern Bridge

My partner is 20 years behind the times. Nowadays you just need 13 cards to bid. My partner still thinks you need high cards to open bid.


Beat That!
Two wives were discussing how badly their respective husbands play.

The first wife says, "Just let me tell you what happened last night. My husband was playing 7NT with 12 top tricks and he needed a spade finesse for 13. Dummy had the AQ of spades and the King was onside. So, what do you think the idiot did? He took the first 11 tricks and ended up in DUMMY. Now he played the Queen from the dummy at trick twelve!"

"So what's so bad about that?" says wife number two "My moron husband would have ducked his Queen!"



Following the Rules
Did you hear about the guy who led the 8 from 98 doubleton because his teacher told him "eight ever, nine never."



Final Bid?
When Oswald Jacoby was in his eighties, he bid every time it was his turn. When his partner asked why, he said: "At my age the bidding may not get back around to me again!"


Bridge Equipment

Asked why he does not play bridge with his wife anymore, the husband replied "I refuse to play in any game that requires earmuff and shin guards."



Daffy-nit-shuns
Doubleton — 4,000 pounds



Daffy-nit-shuns
Roman Key-Card Blackwood — an ingenious convention that allows you to get to a grand slam missing 3 Aces.

Losing Combination
A man was walking down the street when a particularly dirty, half-naked and shabby-looking homeless man asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to buy cigarettes instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I stopped smoking decades ago" the homeless man replied. "I need every cent I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?" the man asked.
"Why should I risk getting a disease for a cheap thrill?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Will you spend this on playing Bridge instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played bridge in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks
like who's given up beer, smoking, sex and bridge."



Bridge Book for Losers
Now a Bridge book to end all Bridge books – "Zen and the art of Losing at Bridge". It contains some really good and useful advice and articles like :-

1. How to go Down with a Smile.
2. How to Duck the Left Hook from your Partner.
3. How to Accidentally Overturn the Bridge Table when the Contract is Doomed.
4. Proper Etiquette when you are partnering a complete Jerk.
5. Instant Meditation when your partner stars to cry or complain.
6. How to Rationalize Wasting 10 or more hours a week on Bridge.
7. Why so few Bridge Players have a Life.
8. Why your wife no longer cares how you made the Slam.
9. Why having a Thick Skin is better than trying to Improve.
10. How to relax when your partner asks what the Trump Suit is halfway through the Game.



How's that Again?
People who complain about bad luck in Bridge can be divided into 2 groups – men and women.



Reverse Logic
Her partner was furious when she was late for the bridge game.

"Can't you see the heavy rain and strong winds?" she explained "I take one step forward and I slip two steps backwards."

"Nonsense" her partner replied "then how did you ever get here?"

"I turned around and started walking home



How True
How is it possible that a person will play flawlessly when he is the opposition and senselessly when he is your partner?



Burns With Smoke
The late George Burns, the cigar smoking actor & comedian, often played Bridge at a club outside Los Angeles. One day when he was 95 and puffing away at the bridge table he saw a new "No Smoking" sign. As expected, he made his usual fuss. When he arrived the next day, he was pleased to see the sign modified to "No Smoking except those over 90"



Great Expectations
Just after his partner successfully bid and made 7NT, Sam commented "That was ok, but I would have made an overtrick"



Words to Regret
Of all the words spoken on the bridge table, the most frequent has to be "If only…"



Reverse Dummy
A middle-aged man has a bridge session every Saturday morning and comes home at about 2pm. One Saturday, he came home at 8pm and his wife was furious.

"I was on my way home" he explained "when I saw this young woman on the side of the road trying to repair a flat tire. I helped her to change it and one thing led to another and we ended up spending the afternoon in a motel. I am sorry and it won't happen again."


"Bullshit" she shouted, "You played bridge in the afternoon as well, didn't you?"



Handicap Pairs
Blind people have special Braille cards that have embossed numbers and pictures so that they can be identified by touch. Although the bridge game goes pretty slow, at a recent competition the totally blind pair of Stevie Wonder and Helen Keller beat all the world champions like Bob Hamman, Zia Mahmood and others. The winning pair was not given any handicap except one.

The game was played at night without lights!



Intellectual Levels?
Last week I took my son to the Science Center and I was fascinated by the on-line Quiz questions asked by the computer.

My son clicked on the "Genius Level" and out poured questions on quantum mechanics and relativity. We were dumbfounded and quickly clicked the "Average Level". We managed to answer a few of the questions that the computer threw at us on basic Science..

Before leaving, curiosity got the better of me and I decided to click the "Idiot Level".

I had to quickly dragged my son away from the computer. It was spewing out Bridge puzzles!



Daffy-nit-shuns – Splinter Bid
Splinter Bid — the only known way to become declarer in a slam contract with a singleton trump in your hand

Its All Relative

While a bridge tournament was going on, Satan suddenly appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the bridge club except for one man, who sit calmly in his chair, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.


Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been partnering to your sister for 25 years."

What a Downer!
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
- Rodney Dangerfield


Make It Easy
Regardless of what sadistic impulses we may harbor, winning bridge means helping partner avoid mistakes.
Frank Stewart


Bridge Dikshunairy : Bozone

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding bridge players that stops bright ideas from penetrating. Unlike the Ozone layer, the Bozone layer shows no sign of weakening.


Better You than Me

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
- Alfred Sheinwold

Reaching Your Potential
The difference between genius and stupidity at bridge is that genius has its limits.

Spouse Grouse
If you play bridge with your wife as a partner you need at least 20 points to open the bidding and it wouldn't hurt to have 25.

- Joe James

Bitter Half
When arguing while partnering their spouse, most men view it as a matter of wife or deaf.

Daffy-nit-shuns
Takeout Double : the one that your partner passes.

Bridge Movies
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea " Singapore's chance of winning the Bermuda Bowl World Championship.

Important Bridge Rules
Rule of Eleven " the inevitable trick total whenever you bid a slam.

Brain Pain
Bridge is a self-inflicted punishment for people with too much time and intelligence.

Sign that You are a Bridge Addict
Your idea of a good time on a beautiful weekend is to go indoors and play.


Why Bridge is Better
You can stop in the middle and have a burger and a couple of beers.