2007

Five Reason why Bridge is better

1. Nobody expects you to give up bridge if your partner loses interest in it
Your partner will never say, “Not again, we just played bridge yesterday!
Your partner will never say “Is Bridge all you ever think about?"
Your partner will not complain if you finish quickly.
Nobody expects you to play bridge with the same partner for the rest of your life

A Grand Pun

What did the husband say to his wife when she bid and made a Grandslam?
You mean a great deal to me

Extreme Consistency

"Why can't you be consistent in your play, partner?"
"The only completely consistent people are the dead."

All in the Family

“Last week, I stated that my partner was the worst bridge player I have seen. I have since partnered his sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.”

Lost in Thought 

“I never forget the partners I play with, but in your case I will make an exception.”

Payback with Interest

Be awfully nice to your partner when he makes a mistake because you're going to make some yourself.

Killing him Softly

If you really have to tell your partner his mistake, it costs nothing to be polite.

Knowing the Limits

“My Partner hasn't got the remotest knowledge of how to play bridge, nor the slightest instinct about when to die.”

Uncharacteristic

When my partner insulted me, I was tempted to sue him for defamation of character. Then I realised that Bridge Players have no character.

Q.E.D

Q: Why do partners always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...

How’s That Again?

My partner is so stupid that he leads 4th best from a 3-card suit.

Quality not Quantity

I get along great with my partner. We had only one argument in 30 years. The problem is that the argument lasted 30 years.

Brain Drained

Aristotle taught that the function of the brain is to cool the blood. This is only true with my partner.

As I See it

”I don't have an attitude problem, partner. You have a perception problem.”

Breaking the 8-minute Barrier

”My partner plays slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.”

Flash in the Pan

My partner’s mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone for the rest of the match.

Wasted Sarcasm

“After that play, I'd insult you, partner, but you're not bright enough to notice.”

What’s the Point?

The difference between my partner and a cactus is that the plant only has pricks on the outside.

Living Hell

First Guy (proudly): "My partner's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Baby Blues

My partner is childish and stubborn. He refuses to play any new system. I can’t change him unless he puts on his nappies.

So Long, Pair Well

What do you do if your partner walks out on you?
You shut the door.

Facing the Truth

”All my Partners are nasty - they just have different faces, so I can tell them apart.“

Daffy-nit-shun : Partner

Partner : A person who took up bridge to make another person miserable.

Old Dog, New Tricks

The best way to get your partner to learn a new convention is to suggest he is too old for it.

Yah Who?

A man inserted an ad on the internet “Partner wanted".
Next day he received a thousand emails. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

How’s That Again?

A good partner always forgives you when he’s wrong.

Greener Grass

Playing Bridge with your Partner is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then, when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

I Think, Therefore He Is

“I think I am a pretty good judge of character; which is why I hate all of my partners.”

One Down

“I hate my partner. He is the only reason I support the death penalty.”

Survival of the Nittest

It is a pity more partners are not bastards by birth instead of vocation.

One-way Street

A happy partnership is a matter of giving and taking.
You give and your partner takes.

Double Indemnity

”My Partner has a split personality, and I hate both of them.”

Less See, Lassie

“The more I see my partner, the more I admire dogs.”

Dead Ringer

“Partners, after a while, become like car alarms. They make a lot of noise no one listens to.”

Negative Feedback

“The difference between my partner and a battery is that the battery has a positive side.”

Changing Suits

“I know my bridge partner is gay because he keeps on arranging and rearranging his cards.”

Gender Bias

“I only hate only 2 types of partners, Men and women.”

Coup d’elite

“People who can plan out and execute a successful Smother Coup belong to a most exclusive club in the world.”



Unfair Exchange

“With hesitations, body language cues and the familiarity of partner’s style, bridge can never really be a totally fair game.”



Be All

“Those who make Bridge a major part of their lives will become no more of value than the game itself.”



A Reason why Bridge is Better

Foursomes are normal



Another Reason why Bridge is Better

No one will ever tell you that you will go blind if you play bridge by yourself.



A Sign that You are a Bridge Addict

People in your family get their supply of cards from you



Bargain Basement

What do you call a basement full of bridge players?

A whine cellar



Fatal Attraction

“I thought I wanted a friendly, social game but it turns out I just wanted to abuse and be abused.”



God’s Dilemma

Too many bridge players, not enough brains



Daffy-nit-shuns - Experience

Experience : A marvelous thing that enables you to recognise the same mistake you made the last time.



Daffy-nit-shuns -- 2 over 1

2 over 1 : More fun than 1 over 1



Who’s the Boss?

LKY opens 4H, GCT Doubles, LHL Passes and GY bids 4S.

LKY looks intently at everyone, tears away the bidding slip and again bids 4H on the new slip.

All pass.



Important Rules

Leading Through Strength — a sure-fire way to make your queens disappear.



Daffy-nit-shuns -- Bridge

Bridge is organised loafing.



How’s That Again?

Bridge is 90% mental and 50% luck.



Confusion Says ….

Bridge like horse racing. One winner many losers.



Musick to the Ears

"The people who gave us bridge and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music."



Ultimate Optimist

“My finesses lose, I can’t remember the cards, my bidding is terrible and no one wants to partner me anymore. Other than that, bridge is great.”



From Frying Pan to Fire

The cure for boredom is bridge. There is no cure for bridge.



Bad Vibrations

Bridge players must believe in luck. How else to explain the successes of those bridge players we don’t like.



Keeping it Simple
Never attribute a mistake to carelessness when it can be adequately explained by stupidity.



Fallback Position

Bridge is what is left when you run out of meaningful things to do.



Unlucky for Some

If God wanted us to play bridge, he would have given us 13 fingers.



Well Protected

“I played Bridge once when I was 10 years old. It was like an inoculation and made me immune from it for the rest of my life.”



Important Bridge Rules

Eight Ever, Nine Never —what happens whenever you play 3 NT



Bending the Cards

It is always the best policy to admit your mistake, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.



Comatose

Anyone who plays 3 rounds of bridge in a day should be medically declared brain-dead.



Reaching Your Potential.
When you are not doing well in a tournament, cheer up, the worst is yet to come.



Limited Horizon

“When dummy comes down, you must plan the play. Unfortunately it is not possible to look further than what you can see”



Hard Luck

Luck is what you have left after you have tried your very best.



No Pun Fartnering You

Although they get good results with other partners, Choo Wai and LL never do well when they partner each other. That only goes to show that Two Wongs don’t make a Right.

(sorry guys …ed)

If you enjoy Puns and Feghoots like the one above, you can visit my blog which has all my originals.

http://feghoots.blogspot.com



Bridging The Gap

Two old bridge partners, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about bridge, like they do every day.

Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's bridge in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it and replies, "I don’t know. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol"

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there bridge in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news, bad news and very bad news."

"Give me the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is bridge in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What is the bad news?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You are supposed to partner me on Friday."

Sol ponders a little and say “Oh well, we all have to die sometime. That is not so bad, Abe,”

Abe looks down and mutters “But you will be busy elsewhere.”



A Sign that You are a Bridge Addict

You set the alarm for 3am to play Internet Bridge with your overseas partner.



A Reason why Bridge is Better

It is perfectly acceptable to play with total strangers.



Another Reason why Bridge is Better

There are no Bridge transmitted diseases.



Yet Another Reason why bridge is better

You don’t have to lock your door when playing Bridge on the Internet.



Daffy-nit-shuns – Vienna Coup

Vienna Coup — the mating sound of Austrian doves.



Confusion Says …

He who stops being better stops being good



Falling Uphill

I use to drink milk, play bridge and never smoked. But after my wife ran away, I chain smoked, got drunk everyday and played poker and blackjack.

I didn't even have the chance to thank her.



Quick Start

There is always a time during the tournament when I am in first place. Unfortunately, that’s when the first round starts.



Wasted Talent

Having a good sense of humour is useless in bridge as the people you use it on are usually not in a very good mood.



Maximizing Fun

The way you have fun in Bridge is by winning.



Rise and Whine

I feel sorry for people who don't play bridge. They wake up in the morning and that's the best thing they are going to do all day.





Daffy-nit-shuns – Slam Cue Bids

Slam Cue Bids – An ingenious convention that allows you to get to a grand slam without the ace of trumps





End Play

Some people think that Bridge is a matter of life and death. Any competent bridge player will tell you that it is more serious than that.



Worst than Last

A bad attitude is worse than losing.





Golden Reply

Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.





Limited Value

Experience, unfortunately, will teach only the teachable.



Bridge Around the World

In Italy , all Bridge Players are important.

In the US , only the successful Bridge Players are important.

In China , all Bridge players are equally unimportant.

In Singapore , you have to explain what a Bridge Player is.





Car-toons

Choosing a bridge partner is like choosing a car. Some want a flashy Coupe. Some want a strong pick-up Truck. Some may just want a reliable Sedan . But most end up with a large, boring SUV.





Lost by a Trick

Bridge is the second most exciting indoor sport, and the first one shouldn't have spectators.





Bridge to Heaven

Man: Is there anything I can do for a very long life?
Doctor: Play Bridge
Man: Will it help?
Doctor: No, but you will stop thinking about wanting it.





Dropping Standards

Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.



Another Reason why Bridge is Better

When you visit a bridge website, you don’t have to worry about getting emails from wildteenagesluts.com for the rest of your life.





Yet Another Reason why Bridge is better

You can still do it in your 80s.





Daffy-nit-shuns – Bath Coup

Bath Coup -- getting to use the tub before your roommate.





Daffy-nit-shuns - Brain

Brain - An apparatus with which we think we think.





A Sign that You are a Bridge Addict

Your bumper sticker reads: MY OTHER LIFE IS BRIDGE





Bridge of Pleasure

Art and Bridge are two roads by which people escape from circumstances to pleasure.





Pumping Irons

I am not crazy about bridge. I just play it everyday to keep in shape for chess.





A Great Deal of Time

I am not a bridge addict - I can go for hours and hours without touching any cards.



A Reason why Bridge is Better

When dealing with a bridge pro, you don’t have to worry that she might be an undercover vice squad cop.





Three Reasons Why Women Prefer Bridge

You can play bridge any time of the month.

When the cards get old and soft, you just get a new one.

At least you can be assured that a game will last 7 minutes.





Better Half

Money cannot make you a better Bridge player but it can sure buy you a better partner.





Even the Croc Smiles

Always be polite to your opponents, even if you don't mean it.





What Really Counts

Remember, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose;

what matters is whether I win or lose.





Confusion Says …

In Love and Bridge, man no need lots of finesses when a few squeezes will do.





Confusion Says …

A man without bridge is like a fish without bicycle.





How to Win

The way to winning bridge is to study hard, practice often and have an IQ of 200.





Breaking Even

A computer once beat me at Bridge. But it was no match for me at kick boxing.





Calling a Spade

Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes - Oscar Wilde





The Meaning of Life

If bridge is the answer, you better rephrase the question.



The Blame Game

You have no control over what the other pair does. But you have control over what you do.



Brilliance not Required?
The way to win is not to execute the rare coup but to play consistently and not make any silly mistakes



Three Reason why Bridge is Better

i) You don’t have to use gloves when playing with a stranger.

ii) You don't have to convince your Bridge partner that you're playing for the first time

iii) If you find a permanent partner, you don’t have to deal with priests, counselors or take blood-tests.





Daffy-nit-shuns - Bridge

Bridge is organised loafing





Confusion Says …

Bridge player like teabag -- cannot tell how strong until put in hot water.





Money No Enough

Bridge is like money. Only too much is enough.



Cry Baby

If a bridge addict has to choose between playing Bridge and saving an infant's life, he will of course choose to save the infant's life, unless of course it is a major tournament.



Slow Hand

If you give up Bridge, you don’t actually live longer. It just seems that way.



Better Half

Perhaps the saddest lot that can befall mortal man is to be a worse bridge player than his wife.



Top of Nothing

A common joke God plays on humans is to make them mediocre bridge players.



Share the Pain

When everything is going real well between you and your spouse, you should both take up Bridge. I don’t see why we should languish in our misery alone.



How’s That Again?

The problem with winning is that it does not teach you how to deal with failure.



Not So Cold Turkey

Giving up Bridge is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.



Psychological Warfare

Bridge is war without the physical action.



Up-rooted

What “Root Says” — tips work on lesson deals, but never in real life.



A Reason Why Women Prefer Bridge

You can't get diseases from a partner you don't know well.



Another Reason Why Women Prefer Bridge

You don't have to take a shower either before or after playing bridge.



Yet Another Reason Why Women Prefer Bridge

You can play bridge as long as you want and it won't get sore.



Heavyweight Fright

Can you imagine a world without bridge? All those fat lazy people would be loose on the streets. Absolutely frightening.



Playing it Straight

Bridge is so much fun it is difficult to believe it is legal.



Short on Excuses

I failed to make the bridge team because of my height





I Think that I Think

The greatest obstacle to become a good bridge player is not ignorance -- it is the illusion of knowledge.





Between the Lines

A good bridge player hears one bid and understands two.









Three Reason Why Men Prefer Bridge

No one will ever tell you that you will go blind if you play bridge by yourself.

It is perfectly acceptable to play bridge with a total stranger.

Your partner won’t mind if you have a beer during Bridge.





Three Reasons Why Women Prefer Bridge

When playing bridge, everybody finishes at the same time.

When you see a really good bridge player, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you together.

The phrase "could be short" carries no negative connotations.



Daffy-Nit-Shuns - Bridge

Bridge is a weapon of mass distraction. (For more puns, visit http://feghoots.blogspot,com )





Struggling in the Mud

Bridge Players don’t get much respect. We are ranked right there at the bottom with the Lawyers, Politicians and Financial Consultants.





Getting Physical

I have read several Bridge Books but I find them impossible to understand. The only thing useful I did with them was when I utilized a simple squeeze to endplay an irritating fly.





Daffy-nit-shuns - Bridge
Bridge : Extremely addictive and only curable by death







How’s That Again?

I always advise my Bridge partner not to give advice.





Confusion Says …

Man must try everything once …. except bridge and suicide.





Delivering the Male

Playing Bridge is an old English tradition, like unwed mothers.





Daffy-nit-shuns – Singaporean

A Singaporean is someone who thinks Bridge is something you cross over.





Queen of Diamonds Off-side

My biggest mistake at the Bridge Tournament was to let my wife go shopping by herself.





Final Resting Place

Bridge is the last resort for those who don't know how to idle.





Inspiration from Above

There will be times when playing a bridge hand, you will be stuck. Should I finesse? Should I play for a drop? Maybe I should eliminate a suit first? But perhaps I should draw trumps first? Just in case, should I duck one round to rectify the count?



In such tough situations, go down on your knees, put your hands together, close your eyes, bow your head and ask yourself "What would Curly do?"

(for the benefit of the younger generation, Curly was a member of the slapstick trio, The 3 Stooges)





Pass One Club

I don't want to belong to any (bridge) club that will accept me as a member.

- Groucho Marx or Woody Allen