2006

Killer Instinct

“Bridge skill does not drops off with age, it's the drive and killer instinct ... and when a man isn't primed to kill he makes mistakes.”



Yanking Bootstraps

Good Bridge comes from experience, and a lot of that experience comes from bad Bridge.



Calling a Spade a Spade

They call the game Bridge because PMS was already taken.



A Reason why Bridge is Better

Four times a day is so easy.



Hot Turkey

I don't suffer from bridge addiction; I enjoy every minute of it.



A Sign that You are a Bridge Addict

As you walk by, you just have to stop and watch others play.



Nerds Need Not Apply

“The sum of all technical knowledge cannot make a master Bridge player” -- Ely Culbertson



Changing Times

“Years ago there were only two acceptable excuses for not leading the suit your partner had opened; having no cards in the suit, and sudden death.” -- Alfred Sheinwold



Improving Partner

“Your play was not much better tonight, Partner, but your excuses certainly were.”



How’s That Again?

“When I take a 50-50 chance I expect it to come off 8 or 9 times out of 10.” - Hideous Hog



Cutting Down Mistakes

“Now that he's at the six level, he knows no more than he did before but there's less bidding space for making errors."



Daffy-nit-shuns -- Foreplay

Foreplay is the bidding sequence in Bridge (what were you thinking!)



Shock Therapee

There are 4 ways to learn bridge.

Those who learn by listening.

Those who learn by reading.

Those who learn by observation.

The rest have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.



20/20 Hindsight

The correct way to make the contract will become obvious as soon as you have finished your play.



“Does Bidding goes Clockwise?”

"Bridge is one of the few games you can enjoy without being good at it."



A Sign that You are a Bridge Addict

You cringe when your better half asks you if you have anything to do on Sunday



Reaping Rewards

The more you practice, the luckier you get.



Turtle Preferred

Most bridge players prefer consistency in their partners rather than brilliance.
- Matthew Granovetter



Right Contract - Wrong Time

Four hearts is a very good bid -- but on some other hand



If Only…

“This three no-trump is the sort of contract that only Lloyd's of London would insure”



Shifting Blame

When in doubt, put the opponents on lead. Why should you make the mistake?



Full Circle

I understand some super-modernists are back to leading queen from queen-jack. They call it 'reverse’ Reverse.



Worst Luck

Bad enough when the trumps are 4-1, but when the singleton trump gets a ruff, that's downright unfair.



Aggressive Modern Bidding

Nowadays, all you need to open in the third and fourth seat is 13 cards



Revenge of the Novices

A novice makes the contract with a finesse while an expert goes down in style on a squeeze play.



Why We Play Bridge

Omar Sharif : Bridge players exists mainly to make life difficult for each others.



Universal Law of Finesses

Since losing finesses come in groups of three, a fourth consecutive losing finesse is actually the start of the next group of three.



Solo Boo-boo

Bridge is played by four people. Making a mistake is yours to savour alone.



Wrong Suiter

Did you hear about the couple who split up while playing bridge? She wanted Diamonds but all he had was Hearts.



Modernist Bidding Systems

Nowadays, I don't think anyone opens diamonds to show diamonds anymore. We lost the club suit in the 1950s. Now diamonds are gone and hearts are sinking fast.



Quota Problem

Since the average person's small supply of politeness must last a lifetime, he can't afford to waste much of it on bridge partners.

Alfred Sheinwold



Socially Unsociable

Bridge is essentially a social game, but unfortunately it attracts a large number of antisocial people.



Silver Lining

One advantage of bad bidding is that you get practice playing atrocious contracts.

Alfred Sheinwold



Handling Losers

During a class, a lady was asked on how to get rid of losers on a prepared hand.

Without hesitation, she replies: “I am going to lose them right away so I don't have to worry about them any more."



With Relish, Please

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.



Surprise!

"Partner! Where's the hand you held during the bidding?"



Greener Grass

I hate bridge players. They always seem to be having a better time than I am.



Computer Bridge Advances

The computer has just made a psychic bid. It shows you can't even trust a machine nowadays.



Bridge-napped

Her husband was 2 hours late from work when she found him in the kitchen.

“Where were you?” she screamed

“I was walking home from work when our neighbour caught hold of me as they needed a fourth for bridge. I tried my best to get away but they forced me to stay for 5 hours” he replied.

“But you have only been gone for 2 hours” she queried

He looked at her straight in the eye “Oh, I came here only to collect some beer.”



Hearts Forever

Why do cards have hearts on them?

Because spleens would look pretty gross!



Daffy-nit-shuns

Bridge : Violence under wraps.



Sharp Advice

Trust everybody but cut the cards.



Worse than Nothing

“Please don’t tell my mother I am a Professional Bridge Player. She thinks that I am a stripper in a gay bar.”



Bridge Sad-vice

The people who give you the most advice are either bridge players or those with whiskey in their breath.



High & Low

“I go to bridge tournaments full of confidence… and then the game begins.”



A Reason why Bridge is better

If you don’t like your partner, simply get another.



Troubled Waters Over Bridge

“I was in love with this wonderful and beautiful girl. We used to play bridge everyday. When she dumped me, I stopped Bridge and was driven to drinking. That's one thing I am indebted to her for.”



Bridge Players’ Dilemma

A Discovery Channel mind in an MTV/ESPN world.



Finessing Strategies?

Having difficulty finessing for the Queen? Here are some tips.

If you are feeling hungry, finesse towards the kitchen.

Tired? Then do it towards the bedroom.

Too much beer in your bladder? Then the finesse will work if you try it in the bathroom direction.

But romantic players instinctively know that the Queen has to lie over the Jack and under the King.



Shades of Grey

If you can't be kind to your partner, at least have the decency to be vague.



Painful Game

I think we're all a little masochistic. Otherwise, why would we continue to play bridge?



Purpose of Life“My dear partner, has it ever occurred to you that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others?”



Talking Encyclopedia

“I never attend bridge courses. Why should I pay money to a professional when my wife knows bloody everything?”



Limited Health

The good thing about bridge is that you only need to be healthy above the neck.



Herculean Task

Jack Simpson’s partner bid too aggressively and when dummy came down weaker than expected, he was heard muttering: "My name is Simpson, not Samson."



Queen of Hearts

A man who is not married is like playing bridge without the Queen of Hearts. When you finally find the missing card, it is too late.



Skimagination

Skill without Imagination is Craftsmanship.

Imagination without Skill is Abstract Art.

Skill with Imagination is Bridge.



Jump the Bridge

Nobody claims to be “below average” in Bridge. People, it seems, jump from beginner to average at the speed of light.



Bridge Movies

West Side Story — what the appeals committee would not buy as they ruled for North-South.



Extreme Bunk

Bridge advice is always given by people least qualified to do so and received by people most likely to ignore it.



How Deep is Your Love

“I am not only involved in bridge. I am totally committed. Do you know the difference? When you eat bacon and eggs, the chicken is involved but the pig is committed.”



One Step Better

“All that was needed was a simple finesse. But nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.”



A Sign that You are a Bridge Addict
Your toilet seat gets covered with a stack of bridge books and magazines.





Daffy-nit-shuns - "Tough Luck, Partner"

"Tough Luck, Partner" actually means "You screwed up an easy one, a******"



Instant Replay

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we make a mistake in our bidding or play, we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start over again?



On the 8th day ….

Finesses were created to humiliate the declarer.



A Reason why Bridge is better

You can do it every day without even breaking sweat.



Whatever

The defenders made two no-trump so it was an accurate contract -- just played the wrong way.



A Sign that You are a Bridge Addict

You smile after going down in a simple contract and then proceed to bang your head on the wall inside the toilet.



Inner Rage

Bridge is a non-violent game played violently from within.



Stressed Out

Bridge is a game where devotion will always net you absolutely nothing but an ulcer.



Double Edged

When I think of bridge I laugh. Unfortunately, when I think of bridge, I cry as well.



Understanding Partner
If you really put in the effort to try to understand your partner, you may be pleasantly surprised to learn that he actually has some human characteristics.



A Reason why Bridge is Better
You don't have to hide your bridge magazines



Another Reason why Bridge is Better

It is perfectly acceptable to hire a pro to play bridge with you once in a while



Antici-pain-tion

One gets used to abuse. It's the waiting to get abused that is so trying.

-- Rueful Rabbit.



Int-err

Unlike the physician, a bridge player cannot bury his mistakes.



Bottom Line
As long as you make your contract, who cares if the method is wrong.



Bridge of Love

Did you hear about the lovesick bridge player who always opens Hearts.



Better than Nothing?

Playing Bridge – the dreadful burden of having nothing better to do.



Never-ending Story

My partner likes to scold continuously. The problem is that every now and then he stops to breathe.



Limited Strategy

During the pressure of a bridge game, you should try to de-stress by taking deep breaths and relaxing your muscles to ease the tension. Relaxing your brain is fatal.



Bridge of Happiness ?

Bridge can't make you happy ... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery



Signs that You are a Bridge Addict

You lay awake at night thinking about some hands you played earlier



Another Sign that You are a Bridge Addict

You make a simple lay down slam and talk about it to all your bridge friends.



Daffy-nit-shuns - Quick Tricks

Quick Tricks — a last-minute scurry by hookers before the police arrive.



Win-Win Solution?

My wife is very happy that I learned to play bridge. She fully approves of anything that makes me miserable.



Heart Ache, Heart Break

Q : What did the newly married wife say to her husband after he bid and made 7H?

A: Darling, I love you with all my Hearts.



Q : What did the battle-axe wife say to her long suffering husband after he bid and made 7H?

A : Idiot!! Why didn’t you bid the cold 7NT for the top?



Cheap Words

Why is it that every bridge player feels he is qualified to dish out advice even though he has never won a major tournament in his life?



One Point Hand

The hostess of her bridge club got a last minute call from one of the players that she was sick. Unable to get a replacement on such short notice, she fixes up her husband with John, a mediocre player with an erratic bidding style.

During the game, John got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar. Everyone listened as he urinated into the toilet.

Embarrassed, his wife called out, "John, would you please close the door!"



John's partner said, "Never mind, it's the first time since we started playing that I've known what the man has in his hand!"



Daffy-nit-shuns - Bore

A bore is a person who you ask about how his bridge game went and he actually tells you all about it.



Doggone it

Said an irate tenant to the landlord: “I thought this place allows no dogs, how come every time I am ready for bed, I keeping hearing ‘ruff, ruff’ from next door?”



Slow Hand

Bridge is a game that needlessly prolongs the brain power of some of our most useless citizens.



Confusion Says ….

Every bridge player will improve to become a bore.



Hardball

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's bridge.



Bottomless Pit

They were looking at the results after finishing their game, to compare it with the others on the Traveling Score Sheet. "This is down one"; "That one is down two"; and one of them pointed another result; "Oooo, this one is the Titanic."



Starting Young

Teacher called on six year old Johnny, the bridge player's son, to count for the class.

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten-uh, jack, queen, king, ace"



Unbalanced

Playing bridge is indispensable for those who have too much brain and very little life.



Pointless
Bridge Masterpoints are like a girl in a bikini. They seem to show a lot, but the important parts are hidden.



Yam Seng
Do you know what it means when your regular partner smiles and praises you?

It means you are totally drunk and playing with a beginner.



Relatively Speaking

A bridge expert loses a little less than everyone else.



Daffy-nit-shuns – End Play

End Play: Much less fun than foreplay



Two Points to Ponder

1. Expect partner to play poorly, and he will play poorly.

Treat him as he could be, and he will become what he should be.



2. The concept of bridge partners never having an argument

suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.



A Reason why Bridge is Better

Your current partner doesn't become upset about people you played bridge with long ago



Another Reason why Bridge is Better

If your partner takes pictures of you at the table, you don't have to worry about them showing up in the tabloids and the internet.



A Sign that You are a Bridge Addict

After each successful hand, you give tips and advise to your partner.



Ace in the Hole

If you get a good partner, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, there is always poker.



Fast Forward

Partner, you're playing worse every day. Right now you're playing like the middle of next week.



Winning Move

My partner has made a major contribution to Bridge – he stopped playing it.



End Play

My partner's bridge play would improve significantly if he were dead.



Perfecting the Imperfect

In the beginning God made idiots. That was just practice. Then he made bridge partners.



Shock and Awe
Always acknowledge a mistake quickly. This will throw your partner off guard and allow you an opportunity to commit more.



Some Un-chanted Evening

Thank you partner, I had a wonderful evening -- too bad this wasn't it.



Reverse Signals

Always forgive your partners. Nothing annoys them so much.



Fall Guy

Q: If you drop my partner and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?



Not so Close Encounter

Q: What's the difference between a nice partner & a UFO?
A: I don't know. I've never seen either.



Sympathy for the Devil

Ok partner, you are right. I'm cocky and arrogant. But that doesn't mean I'm not a nice person.



How’s That Again?

I can win every argument with my partner. As a sign of their great respect, nobody wants to partner me.



Developing a Partnership

My partner says he has a photographic memory - I am not sure about the film.



All in the Family

Sometimes when I look at my partner, I wish his father had been gay.



Perfect Timing

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them only when your partner goes to the toilet.



Burning Love

I love my partner. I am so happy that I found that one special person I can annoy over and over again.



Breaking up is Easy to Do

When someone steals your partner there is no better revenge than to let him keep him.



Daffy-nit-shuns - Bigamy

Bigamy is having one partner too many. Monogamy is the same.



Slip Sliding Away

Finding a good partner is like dipping your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.



Neither Nor

I've had bad luck with both my partners. The first one left me and the second one didn't.



Confusion Says ….

When partner says too busy to play bridge, he really says too busy to play with you.