2005

Timely Wish

A very old bridge player died and went to heaven. There he met God who said to him “I have been watching you play bridge for 50 years and never once in your life did you ever get angry with your partner. I am impressed. I will therefore grant you one wish.”

The old man replied “What you say is true. But how is it possible that you can watch me for 50 years when you also have to watch everyone else in the universe as well.”

God replied “Your 50 years is a but tiny fraction of a second to me. Now tell me your wish.”
The old man replied “I want to be the best bridge player in Heaven.”

God smiled and replied “Your wish is granted … in a minute.”


Bridge and Money

The best investment I ever made in my life is teaching my wife how to play bridge. She plays terribly but who cares! I must have saved a fortune keeping her away from shopping.

Quotes from George Burns

Those of us who grew up in the 60s will remember straight faced, cigar smoking George Burns. Together with his zany wife, Gracie, they were amongst the first to originate the TV comedy sitcom. As George got older, he specialised in “old age” jokes. Much less known is George’s passion for Bridge and we are fortunate to have a small legacy of his bridge jokes, a few of which are listed below.
“Bridge is my game and I play it seriously. Not well … just seriously.”

“I still lose my temper sometimes when I’m playing – that’s one of the only parts I have left to lose.”

“Now, I also have this belief I can only get mad at people I love; if I don’t care about them, why should I get angry?”

“One day I was playing bridge with a new member of my club. He made a foolish move and maybe I overreacted and said some things I shouldn’t have said. He got up and promised, “Mr. Burns, I’ll never talk to you again,” then walked out of the room. He couldn’t do that to me. “Listen,” I yelled after him, you don’t know me well enough not to talk to me again.”

“I did try to teach Gracie how to play bridge. Believe me, it would have been easier to teach her how to build a bridge.”

Creative Counting

If God wanted us to play Bridge, he would have given us 13 fingers.

Reverse Logic

Of course I can play Reverse Bids, partner. Any idiot knows how to open Club One.

Songs of Bridge

Bridge Over Troubled Water — Bridge cruise to exciting destinations like Iraq, Afghanistan and North Korea.

It’s Not Unusual — partner’s scream after you misinterpret his 2 NT bid.

Monday, Monday — what you wish for after losing Sunday’s game.

Somethin’ Stupid — whichever line of play you decide to take.

Till the End of Time — normal duration before admitting your bridge mistakes.


The Broken Whine

Disagreement is the shortest cut between two minds -- Kahlil Gibran

Foul Ball

Of course Bridge is a sport. In fact, there is more swearing and cursing in bridge than in a football locker room.

Daffy-nit-shuns : Bath Coup

Bath Coup — getting to use the tub before your roommate.

Daffy-nit-shuns : Doubleton

Doubleton — 4,000 pounds.

Bridge Limerick - Bess

There once was a lady named Bess,
Who found a new way to finesse.
She made up excuses
To lead up to deuces,
And loses without having to guess!

Till the End of Time

Millions long for immortality. Yet on a rainy Sunday, have nothing better to do than to watch TV and shop (or play bridge?).




Quotes From Literature – Signal

Only a signal shown and a distant voice in the darkness
- The Theologian’s Tale, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I have the right to be blind sometimes
I really do not see the signal
- At the Battle of Copenhagen, Horatio, Lord Nelson

How can I tell the signals and the signs?
By which one heart another heart divines?
- Emma and Eginhard, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Did You Know?

Holland teaches bridge as a subject in public schools.



Quotes From Classic Literature – “Double”

They Doubly redoubled strikes upon the for
– Macbeth, William Shakespeare

So double was his pain, so double be his praise
– The Faerie Queen, Edmund Spenser

Truth from his lips prevailed with double sway,
And fools, who came to scoff, remained to pay.
-- The Deserted Village, Oliver Goldsmith

They took me from my wife, and to save trouble
I wed again, and made the error double.
-- The Exile, John Clare



Lying Lion Bully Bull


Bridge seems to be a game where everybody thinks that they are qualified to dish out advice. Before doing so, remember the story of the Lion and the Bull.
After eating an entire bull, the lion felt so proud and great that he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Spontaneous Love

Al’s marriage was going downhill and asked his friend, Bill’s advice. After some discussion, it was clear to Bill that the passion had gone out of Al’s marriage. He suggested to Al that he had to show his wife spontaneous love and passion and he had to do it immediately as soon as he went home.
Al agreed.
A few days later, Bill met Al again and asked him how it went.
“Well” said Al, “my wife was quite surprised, but unfortunately 2 ladies in her bridge group fainted.”

Entrance Criteria-by Zain

A lady vet who worked at the SPCA had the unenviable task to put down unwanted stray dogs, mostly the female bitches. When she died, she saw St. Peter blocking the gates of heaven.
“What was your job?” asked St. Peter
The vet put her head down shamefully and replied softly, “I am a bitch slayer”
“WHAT! What did you say?” shouted St. Peter angrily.
The vet replied meekly “I am sorry, but I am a bitch slayer.”
“Oh, I misheard you. Come on in. I thought you said ‘bridge player’”

Friendly Foe

“My bridge partner hasn’t an enemy in the world. It is just that all his friends hate him.”

Trade-off

3 Bridge Convenors were discussing bridge section membership of their respective clubs.
The first one said “We got 2 new members last month”
The second one said “We did better, We got 3 new members last month”
The third one said, “ We did even better. We got rid of our 5 most quarrelsome members last month.”

Ideal Partner?

A person who will support me even if I am wrong.

Majority Opinion

“Just because someone agrees with my partner doesn't make him right. It just means there's someone else out there as stupid as him.”

Limits of Error

Sam: OK, so what if I have made a mistake. There are worse things than making a bridge mistake”
Joe: Yes, lunacy and death

Winners Take More

It's not enough to win the tricks that belong to you. Try also for some that belong to the opponents.
Alfred Sheinwold

Painful Bridge

If you have the slightest touch of masochism you'll love this game.

Daffy-nit-shuns – Jack Denies Queen

Jack Denies Queen — headlines about Marilyn Monroe’s relationship with J.F.K.

Saving the Best for Last

Since the average person's small supply of politeness must last him all his life, he can't afford to waste it on bridge partners.
Alfred Sheinwold


Spontaneous Love

Al’s marriage was going downhill and asked his friend, Bill’s advice. After some discussion, it was clear to Bill that the passion had gone out of Al’s marriage. He suggested to Al that he had to show his wife spontaneous love and passion and he had to do it immediately as soon as he went home.

Al agreed.

A few days later, Bill met Al again and asked him how it went.

“Well” said Al, “my wife was quite surprised, but unfortunately 2 ladies in her bridge group fainted.”



Entrance Criteria-by Zain

A lady vet who worked at the SPCA had the unenviable task to put down unwanted stray dogs, mostly the female bitches. When she died, she saw St. Peter blocking the gates of heaven.

“What was your job?” asked St. Peter

The vet put her head down shamefully and replied softly, “I am a bitch slayer”

“WHAT! What did you say?” shouted St. Peter angrily.

The vet replied meekly “I am sorry, but I am a bitch slayer.”

“Oh, I misheard you. Come on in. I thought you said ‘bridge player’”



Friendly Foe

“My bridge partner hasn’t an enemy in the world. It is just that all his friends hate him.”



Trade-off

3 Bridge Convenors were discussing bridge section membership of their respective clubs.

The first one said “We got 2 new members last month”

The second one said “We did better, We got 3 new members last month”

The third one said, “ We did even better. We got rid of our 5 most quarrelsome members last month.”



Ideal Partner?

A person who will support me even if I am wrong.



Majority Opinion

“Just because someone agrees with my partner doesn't make him right. It just means there's someone else out there as stupid as him.”



Limits of Error

Sam: OK, so what if I have made a mistake. There are worse things than making a bridge mistake”

Joe: Yes, lunacy and death



Winners Take More

It's not enough to win the tricks that belong to you. Try also for some that belong to the opponents.
Alfred Sheinwold



Painful Bridge

If you have the slightest touch of masochism you'll love this game.



Daffy-nit-shuns – Jack Denies Queen

Jack Denies Queen — headlines about Marilyn Monroe’s relationship with J.F.K.



Saving the Best for Last

Since the average person's small supply of politeness must last him all his life, he can't afford to waste it on bridge partners.
Alfred Sheinwold




Timely Wish

A very old bridge player died and went to heaven. There he met God who said to him “I have been watching you play bridge for 50 years and never once in your life did you ever get angry with your partner. I am impressed. I will therefore grant you one wish.”



The old man replied “What you say is true. But how is it possible that you can watch me for 50 years when you also have to watch everyone else in the universe as well.”



God replied “Your 50 years is a but tiny fraction of a second to me. Now tell me your wish.”

The old man replied “I want to be the best bridge player in Heaven.”



God smiled and replied “Your wish is granted … in a minute.”



Special Bidding Cards

We occasionally use the “STOP” and “ALERT” cards. But there are times when you really need something to protect yourself against the worst opponent on the table – your wonderful partner!



“BOZO THE CLOWN” Card : To be used only once per person per tournament. It allows your partner to retract his idiotic bid without penalty and try again.



“GUILOTTINE” Card : To be used when your crazy partner makes a vulnerable sacrifice against non-vulnerable opponents. It incurs a 1-trick penalty but disallows the opponents from doubling.



“UNDOUBLE” Card : When your confused partner passes your “Take Out” Double. The Double is cancelled with 1 trick penalty.



“POOL OF VOMIT” Card : When your partner jumps to game on your psyche bid. The hand is cancelled and you get just average minus.



Bridge and Money

The best investment I ever made in my life is teaching my wife how to play bridge. She plays terribly but who cares! I must have saved a fortune keeping her away from shopping.



Quotes from George Burns

Those of us who grew up in the 60s will remember straight faced, cigar smoking George Burns. Together with his zany wife, Gracie, they were amongst the first to originate the TV comedy sitcom. As George got older, he specialised in “old age” jokes. Much less known is George’s passion for Bridge and we are fortunate to have a small legacy of his bridge jokes, a few of which are listed below.



“Bridge is my game and I play it seriously. Not well … just seriously.”



“I still lose my temper sometimes when I’m playing – that’s one of the only parts I have left to lose.”



“Now, I also have this belief I can only get mad at people I love; if I don’t care about them, why should I get angry?”



“One day I was playing bridge with a new member of my club. He made a foolish move and maybe I overreacted and said some things I shouldn’t have said. He got up and promised, “Mr. Burns, I’ll never talk to you again,” then walked out of the room. He couldn’t do that to me. “Listen,” I yelled after him, you don’t know me well enough not to talk to me again.”



“I did try to teach Gracie how to play bridge. Believe me, it would have been easier to teach her how to build a bridge.”



Creative Counting

If God wanted us to play Bridge, he would have given us 13 fingers.



Reverse Logic

Of course I can play Reverse Bids, partner. Any idiot knows how to open Club One.



Songs of Bridge



Bridge Over Troubled Water — Bridge cruise to exciting destinations like Iraq , Afghanistan and North Korea .



It’s Not Unusual — partner’s scream after you misinterpret his 2 NT bid.



Monday, Monday — what you wish for after losing Sunday’s game.



Somethin’ Stupid — whichever line of play you decide to take.



Till the End of Time — normal duration before admitting your bridge mistakes.






The Broken Whine

Disagreement is the shortest cut between two minds -- Kahlil Gibran



Foul Ball



Of course Bridge is a sport. In fact, there is more swearing and cursing in bridge than in a football locker room.



Daffy-nit-shuns : Bath Coup



Bath Coup — getting to use the tub before your roommate.



Daffy-nit-shuns : Doubleton



Doubleton — 4,000 pounds.



Bridge Limerick - Bess



There once was a lady named Bess,

Who found a new way to finesse.

She made up excuses

To lead up to deuces,

And loses without having to guess!



Till the End of Time



Millions long for immortality. Yet on a rainy Sunday, have nothing better to do than to watch TV and shop (or play bridge?).



It’s All Relative

While a bridge tournament was going on, Satan suddenly appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the bridge club except for one man, who sit calmly in his chair, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.


Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been partnering to your sister for 25 years."



What a Downer!

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Make It Easy

Regardless of what sadistic impulses we may harbor, winning bridge means helping partner avoid mistakes.

- Frank Stewart



Bridge Dikshunairy – Bozone

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding bridge players that stops bright ideas from penetrating. Unlike the Ozone layer, the Bozone layer shows no sign of weakening.



Better You than Me

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
- Alfred Sheinwold



Reaching Your Potential

The difference between genius and stupidity at bridge is that genius has its limits.



Spouse Grouse

If you play bridge with your wife as a partner you need at least 20 points to open the bidding and it wouldn't hurt to have 25.

- Joe James

Bitter Half

When arguing while partnering their spouse, most men view it as a matter of wife or deaf.



Daffy-nit-shuns

Takeout Double — the one that your partner passes.



Bridge Movies

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea — Singapore ’s chance of winning the Bermuda Bowl World Championship.



Important Bridge Rules

Rule of Eleven — the inevitable trick total whenever you bid a slam.



Brain Pain

Bridge is a self-inflicted punishment for people with too much time and intelligence.



Sign that You are a Bridge Addict

Your idea of a good time on a beautiful weekend is to go indoors and play.



Why Bridge is Better

You can stop in the middle and have a burger and a couple of beers.



End Play

My partner has just one minor flaw. He is still alive.



Daffy-nit-shuns – Cards Metric System

52 cards = 1 decacards (deck of cards)



How’s That Again?

I assume full responsibility for my mistakes, except the ones that are someone else's fault



Family Issues

A husband playing with his wife picks up a zillion spades facing his wife who has a zillion and one hearts. The battle begins. Higher and higher they go. In spite of the nasty looks he has been getting, he bids 7S over her 7H bid, which finally buys the contract.

The lead is made and when the dummy hits, he sees he can't make 7S, but 7H is cold. He knows he is in very big trouble.

He tries to cool his wife down before playing to trick one by saying, "Sorry dear, I should have withdrawn. "

She says, "You should have withdrawn? Your father should have withdrawn!"



Send in the Clowns

I smile while playing Bridge because I don't know what the hell is going on.



Bridge Dikshunairy – Dopeler Effect

Dopeler Effect (n): The tendency to make stupid mistakes when rushing.



Confusion Says …

Bridge player who plays as good at 50 as he played at 30 has wasted 20 years of his life.






Bridge Movies

Bridge On the River Kwai — one of the first bridge cruises in Asia … a real blowout!



Important Bridge Rules

Second Hand Plays Low — the easiest way to lose your aces on defense.




Famous Last Words

After he had won a bridge tournament with his wife as his partner, she asked him,

“Now don’t I deserve a reward?”

“What do you have in mind, honey,” he asked

“How about taking me somewhere I have never gone before.”

“Are you sure you want me to take you to the kitchen.”



A Sign that You are a Bridge Addict

You curse the game only to play it the next day.



Why Bridge is Better

You have 4 queens at your fingertips just waiting to go down on the table.

(Jacks will make tricks as well)



Divine Quota

God must hate bridge players. He made so few good ones.



20-20 Hindsight

The trouble with Bridge is that there is no rewind button.



Roles of Partner

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things to your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your Bridge partner.



Cock-eyed

Like contact lenses, a good partner is in the eye of the beholder.



Elm Street Boss

You really want to know what my partner is like. Freddy Kruger takes lessons from him.



Cheeky

“When we won the tournament, I kissed my partner on both cheeks”

“What a coincidence! I made so many mistakes, my partner told me to kiss his both his cheeks as well – the lower ones.”



Double Exposure

Don't argue with your partner; people watching may not be able to tell who the idiot is.



Fair and Square

I am quite fair to all my partners. I treat them all equally like idiots.



Mixed Blessing

You are lucky to have me as your partner as I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.



Why Bridge is Better

You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.



Picture Perfect

My partner has a photographic memory. He just doesn’t have film.



Virgin Territory

I always forgive my partner for his mistakes. Thinking was unfamiliar territory to him.



Poor Start

Partner, I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.



Missing Partner

Some people say that my partner has “table presence”. I don’t know. What I do know is that he has a perfectly delightful absence.



Null Hypothesis

My Partner started out with nothing & still has most of it left.



Train-Wrecked

Unfortunately, my Partner’s train of thought has a caboose



End Play

Not all Partners are annoying. Some are dead.



Fair Deal
I'll try being nicer, partner, if you'll try being smarter.





Dog Gone Days

What is the difference between a 3-week old puppy and a bridge partner?

In six weeks the puppy stops whining.



Sigh-lence Please

Player: Thanks for not telling me off for that mistake, Partner.

Partner: Shh! I'm trying to imagine you with a brain.



Un-Sorry, Partner

Okay, okay, I take it back! I Un-idiot you!



Escape Clause

The best thing about bridge is that if something goes wrong, you can tell everyone that your partner screwed up.



Forgone Conclusion

There are 5 methods on how to argue with your partner ... none works.



Heart Break

Bill: My cardiologist says I should not play bridge anymore.

Tom: Is bridge causing stress to your heart?

Bill: Nope, to my partner’s heart.



Silence Please

When arguing with your partner, never miss a good chance to shut up.



Survival of the Meanest

The only reason my partner is alive is because it's illegal to kill him.



Leveling With Partner
If I did everything right, Partner, I wouldn't be playing with you!



One Two

When my partner makes a mistake, I always count to 10 before saying anything. It usually takes him that long to recover from my punch anyway.



Good Old Daze

I remember my younger days when I used to play bridge. They were the days of whine and neuroses.



How Sweet It Is

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."



Blunt Edge

Experience is a great advantage. When you finally have enough, you are too old to do anything with it.



Omega Tau Alpha

Experience is a crazy teacher because she gives the Test first and the Lesson afterwards.



Speaking From Experience

Bridge is definitely not habit forming. I should know. I have been playing for decades.



Trumped?

To play the game well may be a sign of an ill-spent life.



Aging in Comfort

Bridge is a great comfort in old age. It also helps you get there faster.



Bridge to Paradise

Married men who play bridge are lucky. They get to die sooner.



Water Under the Bridge

My grandfather gets really excited when he makes a slam. That is why he wears two pairs of pants when he plays bridge.



Two Reasons why Bridge is better

1. You get better as you get older

2. If your equipment gets old and bent, you can replace it for a dollar!