2003

Poisoned Mushrooms

One of the best players in the world, Bob Hamman of USA , was partnering his wife at a major championship. After aggressively bidding to 6H he promptly went down when the opponents cashed the Ace and King of trumps.

“Way to go, Bob” his wife muttered sarcastically.

Hamman smiled and said, “Did I ever mention to you how my first wife died? She died from eating poison mushrooms. As was the case of my second wife, she too ate poison mushrooms and died. Alas, my third wife hates mushrooms and won’t touch the stuff. She died from a blow to the head.!!!”

Remember this the next time you play and be courteous to your partner! Needless to say, Bob’s ex-wife and his macabre sense of humour are very much alive.

Aced


Too bad partner. It was an unlucky grand slam you bid. The ace of trumps was on the wrong side.

How’s That Again?

"The difference between an excellent bridge player and an incompetent bridge player is that excellence has its limits.”

Man versus Machine

Remember, if you can't beat your computer at bridge, don’t give up --try kick boxing.

Feminine Logic

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Unfamiliar Partners

"Unfamiliar partnerships often can reap big rewards. The reason? No understanding -- no misunderstanding!"

Problem Solving?

Novice : For a long time I was ashamed of the way I played Bridge.
Friend : So you have finally improved – that’s wonderful
Novice : No, I finally got over being ashamed.

Novice’s Lament

Novice : Is there a way I can win easily?
Expert : No, but there is a way to lose more slowly

Movie Quotes

Bad (bridge) table manners, my dear Gigi, have broken up more households than infidelity.
-- From the movie Gigi 1958

(My partner) is as sharp as a pound of wet liver
-- Foghorn Leghorn 1949


Intellectual Game


Asked why he does not play any intellectual games like Chess or Bridge, Homer replied, “My idea of an intellectual game is trying to remember which is the Sports Channel”


It’s all Relative


When my 80-year-old grandfather finally retired after 20 years of playing bridge, he had this to say “My Bridge days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured since my birth.”

How much fun is Bridge?


Bridge is the most fun a person can have without laughing.


Bridge Wisdom


Bridge wisdom does not necessarily come with practice. Sometimes practice is all you are ever going to get.

Long Bridge to Cross


A two-day bridge tournament was invented because it is impossible to cram all the bad luck into one day.

Last Year’s Resolution


If over the past year you have kept your 2002 New Year’s resolution not to “correct” your partner when he makes a mistake – check your pulse. You may be dead.

Bridge Poker.


During a Bridge course, this guy had been coming for five weeks but not paying any attention. He was there because his girlfriend insisted and he could not have cared less. The teacher left him alone because they had enough bodies to fill up each table without him.

On the evening of the sixth class one of the "regulars" couldn't make it and the teacher was forced to have this guy sit in. As luck would have it, this guy was the dealer on a prepared hand. He has six hearts and 13 HCP, an easy one heart opening bid. Easy for anyone else, that is. This guy didn't have a clue. Finally the teacher asked him what he was going to bid.


No answer.


"Well, how many points do you have?"



No answer.


The teacher reviews the point count and finally the guy adds up his points and miraculously comes to 13.
"Good" said the teacher, "Now what are you going to open?" No answer.
The players at the other tables were becoming impatient. Finally the teacher said, "It doesn't matter, just open anything you like."
"O.K." the guy says, "I'll open for a dollar."

Quotes From ‘Bridge in the Fifth Dimension’


Victor Mollo has written several bridge books with exotic animals that have extreme personalities. Several of his so-called “menagerie” books are available at the National Library. Those who enjoy bridge hand stories laced with stereotyping, twists and turns, and sarcasm will no doubt find his books both entertaining and (horror of horrors) even educational!

Below are a few (slightly modified) quotes from his book “Bridge in the Fifth Dimension” to give you a flavor of what to expect.

“Clever of you not to miscount the Spades, partner. What a pity you did not show the same advance technique with the Diamonds.”

“Has your Dummy play finally reached the dizzy heights of mediocrity”

“Should I require your opinion, partner, I will give it to you.”

“Losing is due to making the wrong mistakes. Every effort should be made to pick the right mistakes”

“Partner, let me play the hand occasionally”
“But I only played one contract”
“Far too many”


Different Systems


Englishman: I use the ACOL System. I open 4-card Majors
Irishman: I use the ALCOHOL System. I open anything and don’t worry about it.

Unethical Singleton


South is playing a No Trump contract. He has Axx in dummy facing the KJ10 in his hand. He knows West has a singleton because East had opened a weak 2 in that suit. His plan is to lead the jack to the ace and then finesse the 10 on the way back. When he leads the J, West hesitates for quite a while and then plays low.
“And just which half of that singleton were you thinking of playing?" queried South

Belle Trained


Asked by his friends how he fares partnering his wife, Peter replies “I am British. We have a Queen on the throne for half a century had a female Prime Minister for 3 terms and I have been married for 40 years. I know how to take orders from a woman.”

Doctor’s Remedy


A pretty young thing showed up at her Bridge Club without a partner and carrying an apple.
“Isn’t it obvious? I don’t want to end up partnering that old grouch Dr. Gruff. Everybody knows an apple a day keeps the doctor away.”

Silent Partner


Blessed is a partner who has nothing bad to say and cannot be persuaded to say it.

Controlling Your Words


If you can’t be kind to your partner, at least be vague

Partner Barter?



“Guess what! I got a new pack of cards for my bridge partner.”
“Sounds like you made a pretty good trade”

Partnering Your Boss


“Don’t you find it difficult to partner your boss at bridge”
“Not really. He goes his way and I go his way.”

Lovable Partner


Wife: You scold me all the time at bridge. See how much Janet’s husband loves her? Can’t you be the same?
Husband: Sure, but will Janet agree?

Dropping the Singleton


Sam bid aggressively and pushed to 7S. As Sam was putting his hand down as dummy, he asked his partner “Is there any way to make the contract?”
His partner, Joe, calmly replied “Sure Sam, we have to hope that the SK, SQ and SJ are all singletons.”

Missing a Trump


Sam has a short memory and soon he again pushed to 7H on the next hand. As he was putting his hand down as dummy he again asked Joe, his partner “I have 3 honours in Hearts this time, partner, can we make the contract?”
“No problem, Sam” Joe replied “we have to hope that the Ace of trumps is on the right side.”

Backfired Apology


Sam : Sorry partner, my brain just went dead
Joe : Not only dead, decomposed.

Changing Partners


Larry: Hey Sam, why don’t you partner Joe anymore?
Sam: Would you play bridge with an incompetent and rude partner?
Larry: I guess not
Sam: Neither will Joe

Salvaging your Pride



Even if you go down 5 tricks doubled, it should not be considered a complete failure. After all, you can always use it as an example of poor bidding by your partner.
Perfect Partner
A perfect partner is one that bids and plays perfectly and accepts that his partner does not.

Blurred


A man was filling in the form at the optometrist for an eye test. Under the section that said “Recommended By: ” he filled in “My Bridge Partner”

Looking for Partner


Sam: I am looking for a partner who is strong. A partner who is understanding.”
Joe: Well, make up your mind

Bridge Player’s Hell


Driving home after an all night Bridge session, 3 very sleepy and drunk bridge players went over a cliff, died and went to Hell.

“Welcome, welcome to Hell” said the devil to the dazed players.
“I don’t see any fire and brimstone here,” said Al, who was an excellent and accurate Bidder.
“That is old fashion.” retorted the Devil “Nowadays we are customer oriented and we customize our punishment to fit our customers."


“For you, Al,” the devil continued, “your bridge partner for all eternity will be a person who will always bid a grandslam except when you can actually make a grandslam, in which case, he will pass your opening bid”. Al fainted at the thought


The devil now turned to Bill, who was very good in bridge defense. “Your partner for eternity will be this old color blind lady with severe astigmatism. She cannot tell which suit is which and will revoke throughout the game, costing you a lot of penalty tricks.” Needless to say, Bill screamed in agony.


The devil’s attention now turned to Sam, who was already shivering from fright. Sam was a lousy bridge player who never ever admits he is ever wrong. He continuously insults, shouts and complains about his partner’s every bid and play.


“You will have to play with this man,” said the devil as he walked away.
“H..e..ll..o” said Sam “my name is Sam and you are my partner for eternity”


“My name is Charles Goren, and you are my punishment” he sobbed.

Partner’s Purpose


My partner’s sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Daffy-nit-shuns – Optomist/Pessimist

In a tournament, an Optimist feels that if the finesse works, he will get a good score. A Pessimist feels that even if the finesse works, it is going to be a flat board anyway.

So True

Incomprehensible good luck beats skill anytime.

Blurred Vision

In Bridge, you cannot depend on your judgement when your imagination is out of focus.

Daffy-nit-shuns – Winning

Winning is how high you have bounced after you hit bottom.

Humility?

Remember to show humility when you win a tournament and are congratulated for your efforts. For those of you who don’t know what humility is, it is the ability to look appropriately shy while explaining to people how wonderful you are.

How’s That Again?

If you are not confused, you are just not thinking clearly.

Discarding a Loser

Late during a bridge lesson, the teacher covered the part on how to discard a loser. He then saw one of his students, a middle-aged lady, dozing off at the back of the class.

Raising his voice, he called out “Mrs. Smith, can you explain to the class on how to get rid of a loser?”

She staggered up groggily and replied “I divorced him many years ago.”

“ Bath Coup then En Passant then Suicide Squeeze”

If you think fishermen and financial consultants are the biggest bluffers, you should ask a bridge player how he made his most difficult contract.


Believe it or Not



Charles Goren disliked Sam Stayman and never would call the Stayman convention by name in his bridge column; instead he would called it the 2C convention.


Wrong and Right


It takes a good bridge player to readily admit when he is wrong and even a better player to keep his mouth shut when he is right.

Sick of Bad Cards


Bad cards, like the common cold, must run its course.

Success
Success is not only measured by how many tournaments you win. In its purest sense, it occurs when you make an effort to be better today than you were yesterday and try to become even better tomorrow.



Circular Reasoning


A woman who wanted to improve her memory decided to join a bridge course. Halfway through filling the registration form, she crumpled it up and walked away saying,
“If I could remember my IC number, Telephone number and my Postal Code, I would not be registering for this course in the first place.”

Daffy-nit-shuns – Enthusiast/Fanatic


The difference between a bridge enthusiast and a bridge fanatic is night and all night.

Huh?


“If you are always making your contract, you are not bidding high enough.”

Winning Strategy


After a grueling 36-board event, the winner was asked which part of the match was the most crucial to his victory.

Without any hesitation he replied, “The coffee break”

How’s That Again?


This was announced at a Bridge Tournament recently:


“The game will begin once the buffet lunch is over and the waitresses have taken everything off”

The Bridge on the River Kwai (a Feghoot by Inzane)


The infamous Bridge on the River Kwai became well known all around the world after the movie was made.

But after 50 years, time and heavy traffic had taken its toll and the bridge became quite wobbly and shaky and a safety hazard. The authorities decided that it should be replaced with an exact replica, but using strong modern material. The original bridge would not be demolished due to its historical significance, and it would stand next to the new bridge as a tourist attraction.


The pair came to be known as Rubber Bridge and Duplicate Bridge .
(Feel free to groan)

Novice’s Lament


“All the bridge tournaments I have participated in have 3 things in common – an optimistic beginning, a tough middle and a lousy end”

Humility


Humility is a strange thing – the moment you think you have it, you have lost it!

Sezs Who!


Erik and his team had just won the World Championships. He returned to his hometown and went to his local club for a game of bridge. About midway through the game, he is competing in spades against the opponents, who were bidding hearts. Finally, he yanks out the 3S bid from the bidding box and slaps it on the table loudly, so he won't get doubled. It doesn't work. His opponent doubles.

Erik looks at him and says: "Do you know who I am?'
The guy says: "Yes I know who you are."
Erik says: "Do you know how many masterpoints I have?"
The guy says, "No, but do you know how many spades I have?"

Two Timing Queen


P. Hal Sims was one of “The 4 Horsemen” – a team that won several major tournaments in the 1930s. Nowadays, he is mainly remembered for his incredible ability to read the body language of his opponents and, by so doing, made the extraordinary claim that he could never ever misguess the queen in a 2-way finesse position.


One day, his friends played a trick on him and set up a hand where there was a 2-way finesse in the trump suit. He gazed at both opponents intently and then made the incredible statement “Goddamn it – they’ve both got the queen!”


Needless to say, this was the trick his friends were trying to pull on him. They inserted an extra Queen in the rigged hand, so that whichever way he finessed, he would lose.
The record of P. Hal Sims, body language reader extrodinaire, remains firmly intact.

Counting on You


Count your losers and count your winners. If the total doesn't come to 13, count your cards.




Understanding Happiness during Bridge - by Inzane


A Smile occurs when you greet your partner before the game.
A fake Smile occurs when you greet your opponents on the table.
A Grin occurs when your finesse works
A Chuckle occurs when your squeeze works
A Snicker occurs when your opponent makes a silly mistake.
A Snigger occurs when you want the rest of the room to know it as well.
A boisterous Laughter occurs when you join your friends for a drink after the game and you tell them about the silly mistakes everyone else made.


Falling Odds


Joe returned very late at night from a bridge game and excitedly told his non-bridge playing wife “What a fantastic hand I was dealt today. I had 10 Spades in my hand including all the honours!”
His wife said nothing.


“You don’t understand the odds. It happens once in a million deals!” Joe explained.


Without looking up, she replied. “I figure you must have played about that many.”

Early Starter


George Kaufman was a famous playwright and an excellent bridge player. Needless to say, some of his wit spilt onto the bridge table.
After partnering a pretty young thing, he sweetly inquired “Tell me, my dear, when did you learn to play bridge? I know it was today, but what time today?”

Bridge over Troubled Waters
3 guys who have been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon."It's certainly not a ship," one says to another.As the speck gets closer and closer, they begin to rule out the possibilities of a boat, then even a raft.Then slowly emerging from the surf comes a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.



She approaches the stunned guys and says, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," they replied.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes and matches. They each take one, light it, and take a long drag and say, “Man, oh man That’s good!"



She continued "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of scotch?"
Trembling with excitement, the castaways reply, "Ten years."


She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to them. They open the flask and each of them takes a long swig. “Man, oh man That’s good!" they drooled.At this point she starts SLOWLY unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the men seductively and asks,


"And how long has it been since you've played around?"

The 3 guys fall to their knees and sob,



"On my God! Don't tell me you've brought along Bridge cards too!”

Daffy-nit-shuns -- Bridge Expert


A Bridge Expert is a person who can tell you more about the game than you really care to know.

Not That Smart


A man walked by a table where 3 people were playing bridge with a dog, which was playing with extraordinary concentration.


"This must be a very smart dog," the man commented"Not so smart," said the dog’s partner, "He forgot to unblock the ace in a straightforward Vienna Coup in the last hand.”

Bridge Tongue Twister – by Inzane


Bridge makes Old Men’s Mind Younger and Young Men’s Mind Older.
(Try to repeat 5 times very quickly without making a mistake)

How’s That Again?

Misprint in an upcoming bridge tournament flyer “There will be a $2 registration feel for ladies at the door”