2002

Bruised Shin

Giving a man his physical, the doctor noticed several dark,ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey,soccer, or some physical sport?"

"No," he answered. "I play bridge with my wife."

Bridge Personalities

Mae WestIt may not be generally known that Mae West – the sex symbol of the forties -- was a keen bridge player.

Perhaps that inspired her to quip the following when someone, noticing her jewelry, said to her“Goodness, What wonderful Diamonds you have”

“My Dear, Goodness had nothing to do with it”

Bridge Quote – Malcolm Forbes

Below is a quotation from the former US presidential candidate and owner of the highly respected Forbes Magazine -- Malcolm Forbes. " Playing bridge reflects intelligence. It's one of the really great pleasures of life. I think anybody who's missing bridge is missing so much in life. Don't make the mistake of missing out on the fun of bridge."

Quite an endorsement from a super busy multi-millionaire who sits on the board of so many companies as well as the bridge table!

Bridge Excuses

a. Sorry partner. I would have led my singleton but it was so small I could not see it.

b. Now what are you complaining about partner. I led my singleton as you wanted. How was I to know that it does not apply to the trump suit?


Bridge Statistics

Did you know 43.6 percent of all slam contracts fail.
62.7 percent of all bridge players are women.
97.8 percent of all bridge statistics, including these, are made up.

So True …

Bridge is a great comfort in your old age. It also helps you get there faster.


We had a partnership misunderstanding. My partner assumed I knew what I was doing.


There are three kinds of bridge players:

1. Those who can count, and Those who can't.


Q & A :

Do you know what the difference is between a mad psycho serial killer and a bridge partner? ... A : You can reason with the serial killer.


Double Trouble

Learning she was going to have twins, the bridge playing wife said, ... "That's just like my husband, doubling me when I'm vulnerable”.


Quick Tip of the Month

Experts avoid the use of Blackwood, but novices love it and even use it with a void!


Huh?

Why take a simple finesse to make your contract when you can go down in style on a triple squeeze play.


Misunderstanding

“We had a partnership misunderstanding. My partner assumed I knew what I was doing.”


Deja Vous

You know you're in trouble when you are the declarer and the opponents start drawing trumps.


Quote

I never disliked a man so much that I would return his diamonds --- Zsa Zsa Gabor


Memory School

Two elderly gentlemen were playing Bridge on Saturday evening, as they have for the past 35 years.

Max, the older, is having problems remembering which cards were which, and he usually needs help from his wife. At the end of the card game, Ed says to Max, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"

Max replies, "Ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, Ihaven't had any problems at all."

"Memory school? What memory school?" Ed asks.

Max thinks for a moment. "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower?"

"A rose?""Yeah, that's it!" Max says. He then turns to his wife and mumbles,"Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"

Huh?

A well-balanced player makes up for his inadequacy in the bidding with his ineptitude in the play.


When to Give up Bridge

First you forget to how finesse, then you forget what picture cards have been played. After that you forget what the contract was and finally you forget to pull your zipper up!


How Observant Are You?

The King of which Suit is stabbing himself in the head?
The King of which Suit you can see only one eye?

Check your cards to see if you are correct!

Player's Lament

“I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.”


Finite Memory

"And how is Bridge supposed to make me smarter? Every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"


Huh?

"I always arrive late for my Bridge, but I make up for it by leaving late



An Ode to Bridge

I’m giving up bridge - tonight's my last night
It’s amen to Stayman, I give up the fight.
The insults and muddles are giving me troubles.
I can't sleep at night for thinking of doubles.

My cards are all rotten
And I have forgotten
Who has played what and what is trump
Sitting for hours with a sore rump

So it’s all over tonight - I'm off to the backwoods
I’m bidding goodbye to Gerber and Blackwoods.
I can't stand the hassle,
I can't stand the pain
I’m getting those bad cards again and again.

Another bad nightNothing's gone right.
My partner's a dope
I'm losing all hope.
When opponents say "double"
I know we're in trouble.

My points are not high,
and I'm wondering why
She kept on bidding right up to the sky.
We're in seven spades,
I doubt she makes
When surprise, surprise,
all tricks she takes

The defenders feel sick
My partner’s really slick.
All of a sudden,
gone is my sorrow
And yes, I’ll play again tomorrow!

A Woman’s Viewpoint

Life with Men is like Bridge
You need a Heart to love them;
A Diamond to marry them;
A Club to beat them;
And a Spade to bury them.

A Man’s Viewpoint

The bride came down the aisle, and when she reached the altar, she saw the groom with a deck of bridge cards in his tuxedo pocket.

She said, "Darling, what are your bridge cards doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"


A Child’s Viewpoint
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said.
"Good! Can you tell me what comes after three."
"Four," answers little Johnny.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher.
“What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says little Johnny.

Filosophy a la The Simpsons

Bart decides to learn Bridge.
He convinces his dad Homer to buy him some cards and a beginner’s book and starts to learn.
A week later, the cards are scattered and the book is buried in a closet.
Homer asks "Bart, why aren't you learning Bridge?"
"It's too hard, Dad," Bart replies.
"Son," the elder Simpson mused philosophically, "anything that’s hard can't be worth doing. Let's go watch TV!" -- from “The Simpsons” (modified)


How True

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you sit at the bridge table.