Bridge Jokes

2009/2010

2008-12-04T07:28:00.000-08:00

17 NEW Ones ADDED on Feb 1 2010 ...this could be my last entry on Bridge Jokes -- I hope you have enjoyed reading them as much as I had writing them. Not to worry -- by the time you finish reading all the past years posts, I may have other options on the table.... Zain

The Power of the One
During History lesson, the teacher briefly went through the Kings and Queens who rule countries. “But” the teacher continued, “There is a higher category of power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'

Complementary not Harmony

A great partnership is not when a perfect match comes along. More often it is when they learn to appreciate and leverage off their differences.

End of the Rope

I always knew that if all else failed I could teach bridge – yup, all else did fail.

Expanding Horizons

Sheryl: Why not learn to play Bridge? It is gaining popularity everywhere.

Wayne: So what! So is AIDS.

Uplifting Spirits

I never drink alcohol while playing bridge. It interferes with my suffering.

How’s That Again?

Winning does not really matter, as long as you win.

No one around

I was matched up with another player when I showed up without a partner. All through the match, whenever I made a mistake, he would say "No Man is perfect"
Later I found out that his name was Norman.

Bottoms Up

I've always believed no matter how many games I win, I'm going to lose the next one.

Cart before the Horse

Some people are so busy learning the various conventions and gadgets of the game; they never fully enjoy the game.

Differing Views

Put 4 bridge players on the table and you’ll get 4 different opinions.

Road to Success

A champion Bridge player is an amateur who did not quit.

Double of Nothing

Joe knows absolutely nothing about the game; his wife plays twice as well.

How’s That Again?

Don't let worries get you down - play Bridge instead

Place of Honour

The Bridge club secretary was very apologetic, "I'm terribly sorry sir, but our registration for the match is full"

"Wait just a minute," the member argued, "If I told you that Zia Mahmood and Bob Hamman want to play, wouldn’t you register them?"
"Most definitely," she answered.
"Well,” said the member “since I happen to know that they both cannot make it, we’ll just take their slot"

Rubbing it In

A Notice at a Bridge Club:

Those who failed the bridge course and are depressed with low self esteem, please attend the special extra class on Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.

Trumped

A bridge player accidentally got a girl pregnant. When he visited her and saw her condition, he offered to marry her. She said she will consult her family and get back to him. When he showed up the next day she said “Well after some discussion, we decided it was better to have a bastard than a bridge player in the family”

Between the Lines

Bridge is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkles you get.

Hideous Hog: Probability, playing rules, conventions and systems take the place of thinking. That is why they are so popular.

Hideous Hog: (He) is so bad that he admits to mistakes before he makes them

Hideous Hog: If you award Masterpoints for very good results then, logically, you should deduct them for very bad results.

Papa: I don’t understand why you couldn’t see my signal, partner. Everyone knows that a singleton is the top of nothing.

Papa: I am so good I can false card with a singleton.

Rueful Rabbit: Do you want to play Lavinthal or Odd-Even or natural discards?

T Toucan: Let’s play them all.

Papa: People shouldn’t be allowed to use conventions they don’t understand. It’s not fair to the opponents.

T Toucan: I know we agreed to lead A from AK. Sorry my fault. I promise to have the King next time.

Rueful Rabbit: Shall we play McKenney or Lavinthal discards.

( the same… ed)

Rueful Rabbit: At Grandslam, it was a little difficult to rectify the count.

Charlie Chimp: I can concentrate at will on all the hands except the one I am currently playing.

Rueful Rabbit: Some declarers have difficulty counting the opponent’s distribution. I have the same problem with Dummy’s distribution.

T Toucan: If I work very hard at it, I may be able to achieve mediocrity.

Karapet: Did I tell you about ….

Corgi: Yes

Karapet: I expect the worst in bridge and am rarely disappointed.

Karapet: I am so unlucky that in all my life, no one has ever revoked against me.

Karapet: Through constant practice, I have become an expert loser.

Hideous Hog: Nature is so unfair that I have to be the dummy over ten percent of the time. What a waste of my talent.

Hideous Hog: You made your Ace of trumps. What else can you possibly want?

Papa: Only at Duplicate you get a bottom for using safety plays.

O Owl: Better to play very badly than very good. If things go wrong you are in good company.

Hideous Hog: I am so good I only need a partner who can tell one suit from another.

Hideous Hog: Your bidding and card play are not on the same high level as the rest of your game.

Hideous Hog: I know no one whom I would rather see in charge of the dummy.

Hideous Hog: I will bid natural and you bid “Big Minor”. When you have a NT opening, you call 1C and I will bid your NT. If you have a major, bid 1D and I will bid your major. This way you will not get the stress of being declarer.

Papa: I am the better side and we know it.

Hideous Hog: My partner plus 12 sure tricks equals 11.

Hideous Hog: I am such a fine player, no one can deny my right to be rude.

Hideous Hog: It is blatant insubordination. How dare you bid NT and becomes declarer.

Hideous Hog: I do not doubt your luck and I know no one who needs it more than you.

Hideous Hog: Of course I always hold much better cards than you do. Being declarer is part of my system.

Hideous Hog: My point count system? Extra for long suit, extra for short suit and 3 points for my superb play.

Hideous Hog: The opening lead should always run up to the stronger player.

Fowl Play (Thanksgiving Special Joke)

The national Bridge team was practicing when a large turkey came strutting onto the room and sat down at the table. “Do you mind if I play?”

The players initially humored the bird but pretty soon they were awestruck as the turkey bid perfectly and pulled off amazing plays.

This caught the team captain’s attention “You're terrific!!! Sign up for the team and we will play in the National League, I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus if we win."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is this. Does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

Never Mind

The doctor was checking up on three elderly bridge players who had head injuries from a car accident.

Serene inquired "Doctor, Will I still be able to play bridge?"

The Doctor asked "How many high card points in a deck of cards?"

"60!" the lady replied.

Worried, the doctor turned to Wayne "How about you? How many high card points in a deck of cards? “

"Uh, Wednesday!" he shouted.

Even more concerned, the doctor motioned to the other lady. "Well, what do you say, madam? How many high card points in a deck of cards?"

"Forty!" Sheryl replied.

"Excellent!" the doctor exclaimed. "How did you get that?"

"Oh, it's pretty simple," she explained. "You just subtract the 60 from Wednesday!"

Never Mind - A new twist

Sheryl subtracted 60 from Wednesday to get 40. The numerical equivalent of Wednesday is 23+5+4+14+5+4+1+25=100. So there!

Gene Splicing

What do you get when you cross my partner with an ape?
No change occurs.
(My sincerest apologies to the ape)

I Walk the Line

“There is a fine line between wanting to play bridge every day and mental illness.”

Overloaded Bridge

While a physician was examining a new patient's ruddy complexion and blood pressure, the patient said, "I already know I have very high blood pressure, Doc."

"Does it come from your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked.

"Neither," Wayne replied. "It's from my bridge partner’

End Play
Sheryl accompanied Wayne, her bridge partner, to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called Sheryl into his office alone. ”Wayne is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, he will surely die. Never point out any mistake he makes. Be pleasant at all times. Don't burden him with conventions and bidding systems. Always give him a hug when he feels down. And never discuss the hands. If you can do this for the next few months, I think Wayne will regain his health completely."

On the way home, Wayne asked Sheryl, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied

Deafening Silence

Wayne was talking to a doctor about his bridge partner "Doctor, I think my bridge partner is deaf because she never hears my bid and I always have to repeat things."

"Well," the doctor replied, "The next time you play bridge, bid normally. If she doesn't reply, say it louder and louder. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the next time they played Rubber Bridge, he does exactly as instructed. He starts off saying “One Spade”. He hears no response. He says it louder “ONE SPADE”. Still no reply. And again “ONE SPADE”! He gets fed up and screams at the top of his voice “SHERYL! I’M BIDDING ONE SPADE”!

Sheryl picks up a pen and writes down "For the fourth time, One No Trump"

Running Hot & Cold

Sheryl: Can't play bridge tonight. I have a really bad cold"

Wayne: Try drinking a big glass of fresh orange juice after a hot bath.

Sheryl: uh ... Ok ... I'll try anything

…..the next day…

Wayne: Hi Sheryl … Well, did it help?

Sheryl: How should I know? I haven't even finished drinking the bath yet!"

Running Wild

Wayne “Doctor, my memory is failing and I cannot remember the cards when I play Bridge.”

Doctor “If you want to improve your memory and your concentration, you need to get some exercise. A healthy body leads to a healthy mind. Run 10 kilometers a day.”

Two weeks later, Wayne calls the doctor.

Doctor "Have you done what I told you?”

Wayne “Yes doc, I’ve followed your instruction exactly.”

Doctor “So has your memory and concentration improved since 2 week ago?"

Wayne “I don't know, I'm 140 kilometers away from my Bridge Club"

Daffy-nit-shuns: Amnesia Double

Amnesia Double: When you make a lead directing double when you are going to be on the opening lead

Home Sweet Home

Wayne “I get a really bad headache after a long bridge tournament”.

Joe “Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away."

… The next day …

Joe "Did you do what I told you to do?"

Wayne "Sure did and it works! By the way, you have a nice house!"

Car-Toons

Bridge partners are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the available ones are handicapped.

Therefore I Am … not
Many people would sooner die than think -- and usually they do," lamented British
Philosopher Bertrand Russell,

Better than Nothing
All Bridge Players should have at least a murderer in their family, so they will have someone to look up to.

Bitter Half
I play bridge to be entertained. If I wanted to be stressed and abused, I might as well stay home with my wife.

Blown Bulb
How many Bridge players do you need to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and 3 to tell him how he could have done it better.

Saving Grace
Partners are extremely important. Who else to blame when you lose?

Heads He Win, Tails I Lose
A happy partnership is a matter of give and take. You give in and your partner takes credit.

Why Women Love Bridge Players? (original)
They sometimes do a Double before they Pass out.

That Certain Smile
How can you tell if someone is a lousy bridge player?
He has 5 smiling Kibitzers watching him play.

Daffy-nit-shuns - Hand Hog
Hand Hog : A player who thinks he is best qualified to be declarer.
A standard tactic is to avoid showing minor suits and 4-card majors in order to quickly bid NT -- even outside the agreed range and shape.

How Bridge Laws Relate to Real Life (modified from Bridge Magazine)
You telephoned me when my husband was on the other line (Simultaneous Calls) but did not tell me what you wanted (Incomplete Call).

I said I would call back but before I could (Hesitation), you called me again (Call out of Rotation).

Of course I slam down the phone (Call out of Rotation – Rejected).

Then you sent me a letter (Play of Card Accepted) but I was shocked that you asked me out for just a Big Mac (Insufficient Bid).

Of course I refused (Insufficient Bid Rejected).

You then tried to offer me 2 Big Macs (Attempt to Correct with a Double).
Luckily you realised your mistake (Illegal Bid) and offered me an expensive dinner. (Corrected by Sufficient Bid)

During dinner you told me you were single (Deliberate Deception) but luckily I found out the truth from a mutual friend (Unauthorized Information).

Later you dared to ask me to go to your home (Inappropriate Communications) for some action (Illegal Play) and cheat on my husband (Violation of Partnership Agreement).

When I refused you (Claim Rejected) you asked me again (Requirement to Repeat Claim Statement).

You saw that I was hesitating (Extraneous Information from Partner).

You knew I was vulnerable (Scoring) and would give in (Acquiescence Occurs) and follow you (Wrong Lead Accepted).

However I changed my mind in time (Acquiescence in Claim Withdrawn).

Now you did not want to pay for the meal (Retraction of Card Played) and so I left (Play Ceases).

Bridge Over Troubled Waters (original)
My wife finally snapped last month and committed suicide.
For years she has claimed that I'm a Bridge fanatic. She said all I ever read about is Bridge. All I ever talk about is Bridge. All I ever think about is Bridge. So why did she have to jump off a Bridge?

Almost Perfect
Isn't it a shame how 99% of bridge players give the whole game a bad name.

Mental Work-out
After learning bridge, the only exercise I get is letting my imagination run wild!

How’s That Again?
Another Beginner Bridge Course is starting next month. If you missed it the last time, this is your golden opportunity to miss it again.

Tee not Pee
Bridge Success is more attitude than aptitude.

End Play
Doctor: "If you play bridge, the stress will kill you by the time you are 60”
Bridge Player: "But I am 60!"
"Doctor: Have you paid my bill yet?"

Prone Position
There was an old man named Bill who played bridge every week with his partner Fred. His wife always commented on how unhappy he looked after the game. But one day he came home looking really happy.

His wife asked, "What's the matter Bill? You always seem so miserable after bridge and today you are smiling"

Bill said, "Well actually, something terrible happened. Fred had a heart attack and died halfway through the match"

"Oh Dear “said his wife, rushing to comfort him, "but why are you smiling? That must have been terrible!"

"Not too bad" he said, "I still came in 3rd

No Kidding
How many bridge partner jokes are there?

Just two, all the rest are true.

Contract not Contact Bridge
Bridge has proved that you can sit for hours in front of somebody without once making eye contact.

Unique Quality
One good partner is better than ten average ones.

Sticky Problem
They have invented this skin patch that will immediately cure depression. I tested it out during my Bridge session and it worked perfectly. All you need to do is to peel away the backing and stick it across your partner's mouth.

Deafening Silence
When a wise partner holds his tongue, he says more than then when he speaks.

Leapin’ Lizards
What's the difference between my partner and a trampoline?I have to take off my shoes before 1 jump on a trampoline.

Daffy-nit-shuns : Mixed Emotions
Mixed Emotions: Winning a Tournament with your Partner

SOS Redouble
Joe: “HELP, HELP MY BRIDGE PARTNER IS DROWNING”
Passer-by: “Is there something I can do?”
Joe: “Can you swim?”
Passer-by: “Sure”
Joe: “Uh… no thanks … HELP, HELP MY BRIDGE PARTNER IS DROWNING”

Right on Track
“I can’t believe they arrested me. It was an accident. I wasn’t driving fast. I did not see my partner crossing the road until it was too late. Of course everybody knows that not all accidents have skid marks”.

That Sinking Feeling
Joe: I hate my Partner
Sam: Why don’t you find another one?
Joe: No use. Changing partners is like changing cabins on the Titanic.

Nutting at All
What is the difference between my partner and an idiot in an asylum?
The asylum.

No Deal
What's the difference between my partner and a terrorist?
You can sometimes reason with a terrorist.

How’s That Again?
If you cannot annoy your partner, there is little point in playing Bridge.

Moo-dy Blues
I could play bridge with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I’d rather play bridge with the cows until you come home. (Groucho Marx … sort of)

Tongue-Tied
The doctor says to the patient, "Please stick your tongue out and let me see”
The patient complies.
The doctor inspects the throat and says “Now do the same at the man who is waiting outside on your right”
"What will that do?" asks the patient.
The doctor says, "I'm mad at my bridge partner"

Carrying On
Playing Bridge with my partner is as much fun as moving a piano.

Problem Solving
What should you do when your partner is buried up to his neck in sand?
Get more sand. (ok ...ok... stolen from the lawyer jokes)

Bridging the World
In a recent public survey, it was found that …
In Italy, all Bridge Players are important.
In the US, only the successful Bridge Players are important.
In China, all Bridge Players are equally unimportant.
In Singapore, the survey was cancelled because nobody knew what a Bridge Player was.

Splish Splash
Declarers are like ducks. They look cool, calm and unruffled on the surface, but are paddling like crazy underneath.

Why Women Love Bridge Players? (original)
Bridge Players use a strong Club with Precision.

Bridge to Eternity
The devil appeared before a Bridge player and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. "I'll make sure you win every tournament you enter. Your partners will love and worship you. Your opponents will fear and respect you and you will live to be a hundred. All I want in return is your wife's soul which will burn in hell for eternity.
The Bridge player thought for a moment. "Ok, I give up …What's the catch?"

Best of the Worst
Think of how bad your partner is.
Now for the scary part. As your partner was chosen at random, we can rate him as average. Now just imagine half of the partners in the world are worse than that!

Last Step
After all the hard work, confidence is final step to victory.

View from the Top
Bridge is “just a game” unless of course when you win.

Self Confidence
”Of course I talk to myself during bridge. I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

Circle of Life
”Bridge players are NOT out of shape. I’m in shape. Look! Round is a shape.”

Waking Sleeping Dogs
There is nothing wrong with giving advice to your Bridge partner that calm, logical reasoning won't aggravate.

Painful Entertainment
“Why should I learn bridge? It is against my philosophy. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.”

Sacker or Sucker?
The difference between a champ and a chump is u.

The Impossible Dream
A Partner who only gives advice when asked.

No Uno
The element of luck ensures that even the best bridge players do not always win. For example, under-bidders gain when the distribution is bad and over-bidders score on those hands where finesses always work.

How’s That Again?
“My idea of an agreeable partner is someone who always agrees with me.”

Just Desserts
“The only reason I play bridge is to punish my partner.”

No Kidding
A bridge player who talks about his bridge hands is more boring than a mother who talks about her children.

Pass the Dice
A bridge player is trained in the art of inexactitude.

Yum Yum
Bridge and potato chips are alike. You can never have enough of either.

Daffy-nit-shuns - Bridge
Bridge is a Contract Sport

Ahhhhh……
The only reason I prefer Bridge to the movies is that the toilets are usually much closer.

A Hell of a Time
A Singaporean bridge player dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that he is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 40 degrees Celsius and about 80% humidity. So the Devil goes over and asks why he's so happy.
He says, "I like it here, the temperature is just like Singapore."
The Devil isn't happy with the answer. He goes over and turns up the temperature to 45 degrees and the humidity to 90 percent.But the Devil again finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes him again.
"This is even better; it's like a sunny day at the beach in Singapore."
The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the Singaporean suffer, so he turns the heat up to 55 degrees and the humidity to 100 percent.Once again, he goes looking for the guy, and finds him even happier than before!
He turns to the Devil and says, "This is great, I am getting a free sauna."
The Devil goes back to the thermostat and says, "I have been using the wrong strategy. I'll get this guy this time" He turns the temperature down to minus 10 degrees and sets the weather control to SNOW. "Let’s see what he has to say about THIS."
A little while later, the Devil finds the guy -- only NOW he's jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "Hell has frozen over! Singapore has won the Bermuda Bowl"

Heading Up
Sam: Notice any improvement since last year?
Partner: You combed your hair, didn't you?

Goldwater Rule
A suggestion from Tournament Director Harry Goldwater that barring obvious consequences, a lead out of turn should generally be accepted. The rationale being that if a player does not know whose lead it is probably does not know the right lead either!

Mind over Madder
Bridge is the last refuge of brain damaged intellectuals.

How’s That Again?
I tried to learn Bridge but it was too difficult, so I grew underarm hair instead.

7-Up
I am taking a beginner Bridge class. Today’s lesson was on bidding. I have no idea what the instructor was saying but he praised me for being able to count to seven.

Modern Times
I gave my young nephew a pack of cards;
He spent 5 minutes looking for the battery slot.

Alternate Strategy
I have bought a couple of Bridge Books but I find them impossible to understand. The only useful thing I did with them is when I killed an irritating fly.

Long and Winding Bridge
A champion Bridge player is an amateur who did not quit.

How’s That Again?
If you cannot annoy somebody, there is little point in playing Bridge.

Wake-up Call
What is hard and pink in the morning?
The Financial Times Bridge column.

Insufficient Bid
The biggest problem with buying a pack of bridge cards is that brains are not included.

Two Singletons
You should try everything once, except bridge and suicide.

How’s That Again?
There is only one thing worse than playing bridge -- and that is not playing bridge.

No I to Eye
Bridge has proved that you can sit for hours in front of somebody without once making eye contact.

Second Opinion
Sam: My doctor says I shouldn't play Bridge
Partner: Oh? So he has partnered you too, huh?

Half-Baked
“Bridge is about making mistakes and learning from them.
My Partner got half of it right.”

How’s That Again
“Every morning I check the Internet to see if I am on the Forbes 100 Richest List. If I don't see my name, I go and play Bridge.”

A Bridge Story - Et tu, Partner?
Weak Response – When your partner passes your Forcing Bid … followed by …
Double – When the opponents double up with laughter … followed by …
Dummy – What you call your Partner … followed by …
Call – What your partner thinks of you … followed by …
Overcall – What you think of your partner … followed by …
Point Count – When he Points out and Counts all your past mistakes … followed by …
Small Slam – When you slam your cards on the table … followed by …
Grand Slam – When he slams his fist into your face … followed by …
Splinter – When you poke him with the pencil tip ... followed by …
Short Club – When he hits you with a cane … followed by …
Vulnerable – When you start to cry … followed by …
End Play – Bye-bye partnership

Pass me just one Peanut
Does there exist a person who can stop after playing just one hand of Bridge?

Ungrounded
With old age taking its toll, 4 bridge players were complaining."The lettering on the cards seems to be getting smaller every year." moaned the first senior."Yes, that makes it even more difficult to remember them" complained the second."What about the poor printing – the Club and Spades almost look alike." groaned the third.Having heard enough from his three buddies, the oldest and wisest of the group said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the Spades!"

Shining Example
A Bridge expert is like a diamond. A chunk of coal that made good under pressure.

Just Like Superman
If you play bridge without ever having to explain your decision or make an apology, then you obviously don’t exist.

Spanning the Bridge
Our club has a long tradition of Bridge. Between the time when we won our first tournament and the second, there has been 4 Popes.

Stone Deaf
Pay no attention to what your partner tells you ... Remember, no statue has ever been set up in honor of any critic.

Daffy-nit-shuns - Bridge
Bridge is basically Poker on Valium.

Telling it Straight
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Body Parts
3 sportsmen were lost and wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they came upon a dead camel."I play soccer so I will eat the feet” "I play bridge so I'll eat the brain""I play billiards" said the third sportsman "but I seem to have lost my appetite."

Balancing Act (original)
There are times when I want to take out my wife and kids for an entertaining evening. Unfortunately there is no place that will make everyone happy. Someone should organize bridge games with free ice-cream in a massage parlor.

Daffy-nit-shun : Phantom Endplay
Declarer South holds the DA x with the DQ x in dummy. He carefully strips all the side suits and throws East in to lead away from his king of diamonds. Unfortunately West had it.
This is called phantom endplay.

2008

2008-02-02T05:07:00.000-08:00

Back up Plan
“We can't all be full-time Bridge Players. There must be someone who has to work to support us.”

Sluffed
“Lucky we don’t have bridge players for neighbours, otherwise our street will become a dump site in no time. All they ever talk about is discard this, discard that...”

Bird Brain?
Bridge players are like woodpeckers. They succeed by using their head.

Living Dangerously
The Americans were desperate. They had 3 great players for the Bermuda Bowl World Bridge Championships but could not find a suitable 4th. Finally in the slums of Iraq they found an unknown bridge genius. They quickly made him a US citizen and a member of the team. True to expectations, the ex-Iraqi was the anchor man and showed amazing bid judgment and made many impossible contracts. After winning the tournament, he excitedly called his mother and told her the news.

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman said. "You deserted us. You're not my son."

“But mother," the young man pleaded. "I just won the greatest Bridge event in the world. I'm in the middle of hundreds of adoring fans and a huge bonus is coming my way."
“No, let me tell you," the mother sobs. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubbish and rubble. Last week, your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight ... (sniff … sniff…) … I’ll never forgive you for making us move to New York."

Pandemic
Bridge is gaining popularity and it is now everywhere in the world … just like AIDS.

Splitting Honours
During a Bridge party there are those who want to play on and those that are totally fed up and want to go home. The trouble is that they are always a partnership.

As easy as zzz
“I have often won major tournaments and pulled off impossible slams.
Unfortunately it’s always in my dreams.”

Bottom Line
The difference between a fantastic bid and a stupid bid is largely a matter of result.

How’s That Again?
The inherent downside in looking for a new bridge partner is the possibility of that you might actually get one.

Over the Top
If you think the contract looks easy, be careful, you may be going downhill.

How’s That Again?
“I found out that my husband had been sneaking out to play bridge. When I confronted him with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.”

Over the Hill
“Since my bridge partner turned 45, she not only forgets the cards but has been exceptionally short-tempered when I point it out. I think she is going through her mental pause.”

Bottom Feeders
“I always knew that if all else failed I could go back and play professional bridge -- as you can see, all else has failed.”

It Does Not Add Up
Joe : I am not such a bad bridge player. I can count all the partners I ever had in just one hand.

Sam : You must be holding a calculator.

Airing Your Frustration
You can always tell when a partnership is in trouble. Little things start getting in your nerves.

“Would you please stop that!! That breathing in and out. It’s so repetitious.”

Beating the Odds
Take care of your bridge partner; Make him feel important and smart. If you can do that, you will have a happy and wonderful partnership ... Just like 1 out of 100 partnerships.

Bridge Under Troubled Waters
I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can never get my partner to go swimming.

Long Rocky Road
My partner and I have been partnering for 40 years … out of spite.

Falling Uphill
"Do you think my game is improving?"

Of course. You only go down 2 nowadays.

That Sinking Feeling
Taking advice from my bridge partner is like taking sailing lessons from the captain of the Titanic

Alcatraz Coup
Consider this situation. A J 10 in Dummy and K x x in Declarer’s hand. How to guarantee 3 tricks? Think about it for a minute before reading on.
Declarer leads the J from dummy and on getting a low card from RHO, revokes by playing a side suit! LHO will either play a low a card or the Q. If the card is low, Declarer corrects his unestablished revoke with a low card. If the Q is played, he corrects it with the K. Of course, LHO is permitted to take back his Q without penalty, but now the marked finesse gives 3 tricks!
If something like this happens against you, call the director. Any qualified competent director will use Law 12 (Director’s Discretionary Powers) to rectify damage to ensure you at least get the Q trick or Average Plus. If the Director feels there are ethical issues involved, the penalty will be very severe on the declarer including suspension or debarment.

Divine Intervention
I just learned Bridge and I play really bad. Fortunately, there are many understanding and kind people at my church who don't mind partnering me and accepting me for what I am ... a punishment from God.

Daffy-nit-shuns : Politeness
Politeness is not saying bad things about your partner until you are at least 50 metres away.

Unlucky for Some
Not everyone hates my Partner ... Only those who have partnered him.

Losing Your Match
My Bridge partner ran off with my wife: and let me tell you, I really miss him.

Relatively Speaking
Bridge partners are like husbands -- they are fine as long as they are someone else's.

Putting into Perspective
The purpose of Bridge parties is to remind you that there are partners who are worse than yours.

Brain Drain
My partner has a brain like Einstein’s --- dead since 1955.

Going Green
If my partner's IQ gets any lower, I will have to water him.

Ejaculated
I call my partner “sperm”. They both have 1 chance in three million of becoming a human being.

Gift of the Gab?
My Partner has a very sharp tongue. I am hoping he cuts his own throat with it.

Semi-Grey Matter
When my Bridge partner goes to a mind-reader, he gets half price.

Points to Ponder
The late British expert Alan Hiron captained the Junior Team at the European Championships in Prague in 1968. For transport, he hired a Skoda and overloaded it with his whole team and also some press personnel and supporters. Needless to say, he was stopped by the police. One of the bridge correspondents in the car was Robert Sheehan. He calmly produced his Masterpoints Card and had a quiet private talk with the cop. They were let off with a warning.

This is the only recorded instance of Masterpoints being of any practical use.

Confusion Says …Secret of happy partnership is ....... still a secret.

Lost Cause
Losing a bridge partner can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible

Shooting Blanks
Bridge is something like photography, if you don't focus; all you have is the negative.

How’s That Again?
I somehow get the feeling that bridge would be more enjoyable if it had been played with a soccer ball.

Confusion Says …
Man without bridge is like neck without pain.

Butt Of Course
The only reason I prefer sex to bridge is because I get to smoke a cigarette afterwards.

New Deal
I told my wife that I don’t want to be there for the birth of our child.
I don’t see why my bridge game should also be ruined.

Bridging the Years
I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, "I wanna grow up and be a bridge player"

Bad Break
You must excuse my bridge partner. He suffered a stroke a few years ago which rendered him totally annoying.

Scotch and Water
Giving bridge advice to Zia Mahmood is like giving a fish a bath.

Shoveling Dirt
My new neighbor was helping me with some gardening. I knew immediately that he was a Bridge player when it took him almost 2 minutes to understand what I meant when I asked him to "Pass the Spade".

Final Resting Place
Bridge is the last refuge of those who have nothing to do.

Three Reasons why Bridge is Better
The Ten Commandments does not say anything about not playing bridge

You can have a bridge calendar on your wall at the office, tell bridge jokes and invite co-workers home to play bridge without being sued for harassment.

If the partnership agrees on “forcing two over one”, it wouldn't be considered abnormal.

Wake-up Call
Retirement is one long sweet dream, and bridge is the damn alarm clock.

Yes … but
Bridge players are OK; I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.

How’s That Again?
A finesse is the most boring way to make a contract. I rather go down on a squeeze play.

Flushed
Bridge is the Septic Tank of the intellectual.

Well Protected
“I played Bridge once when I was 12 years old. It was like an inoculation and made me immune from it for the rest of my life.”

Passing Fancy
No point flirting with a Bridge player -- they just pass you by.

Two Birds with One Stone
“My wife says if I go to a bridge game one more time she's going to leave me.
Gosh, I'm going to miss her.”

Daffy-nit-shuns : Bidding
Bidding is a rest period between arguments.

No Kidding
A measure of a person’s mental stability is the degree to which they can play bridge as though it is just a game.

Redeeming Feature
Anyone who hates bridge can’t be all bad.

Wrong Bridge
A maintenance engineer shouts in his cell phone: “There is no goddamn bridge here! Only a bunch of crazy people gathering around card tables”

Never-ending Story
“Every night when I go to bed I think about my mistakes at the bridge table.”
“Gee,” his partner said, “how do you get any sleep?”

Fallback Position
People are born to suffer. Even those that were initially free from suffering somehow end up playing bridge.

It Doesn’t Add up
If winning isn't important, why does everyone look at the score?

Bloody Good
Bridge is easy. You only need to concentrate until a drop of blood forms on your forehead.

Roger Rabbit
My boyfriend says he reads Playboy for the interesting articles. Right! Sure! And I play Bridge for the abuse.

Double Strip Squeeze
Coincidentally, I did my first Squeeze in a Bridge game in the afternoon and did a Squeeze on my first date that same night. I never had time for bridge ever since.

One Leg Up
Asking a bridge player what he thinks about being criticized is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs

Bridge of Steal
Did you know that Bridge is punishment for shoplifting in some countries?

How’s That Again?
I wouldn’t partner anyone who would have me as his partner.

Keeping it Straight
Teaching Bridge without mentioning the arguments is like sending someone to war without mentioning that people are going to get killed.

No Cue Bid
Playing Bridge when you are 80 is like playing Billiards with a rope.

End Play
The only difference between bridge and life-long suffering is, with life-long suffering, nobody is going to make fun of you.

Mental Problem
Half the game is mental; unfortunately the other half is mental too.

Fundays
“Some people ask the secret of our long and harmonious marriage as my wife and I both play bridge. Well, we take time to go to a restaurant. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, dancing and later, of course, lots of bridge. … She goes Saturday, I go Sunday."

Better than Nothing
The invention of bridge was not an accident. It was developed to meet the important needs of a certain group of people in a particular intellectual bracket. Those people got tired of playing “Pin the tail on the Donkey”

Point of View
"If Bridge is only a game then the Grand Canyon is only a hole"

Bridge over Troubled Waters
Bridge has kept more people sane than psychiatrists have.

A Reason why Bridge is better
There is nothing embarrassing about playing a short club.

How’s That Again?
My Bidding may be bad but at least I make up for it with my atrocious play.

Daffy-nit-shun : Finesse
“Finesse” – a refined gesture or articulation incorporating a delicacy of manipulation.
If you don’t understand that, make no attempt to have it explained by a bridge player.

Who’s the Fool?
Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.

Wrong Partner
Being with a woman all night never hurt a bridge player’s ability to concentrate on his game the following day.
It's staying up all night looking for the woman that does him in.

Just One More Game Please
There are two things in my life which I really love: my family and bridge.
The only problem is once I start playing, I change the order around a bit.

De-stressing
Do you get mad and angry during the bridge game?
If so, then whenever you are the dummy, just go outside, take some deep breaths, stretch your arms, count to 10 and kick the cat.

Why marry a bridge player
1. They have great hands
2. They are used to scoring
3. They are good at squeezes
4. They are excellent at end plays

Cracked Bridge
I finally figured out that playing bridge almost everyday is same thing, more or less, as having a personality disorder.

Sweeter than sweet
Bridge is a chocolate substitute.

Bridge to Hell
“Damn it. You must learn to play bridge. You can’t always be living for pleasure.”

Penalty Double
I know the dying process begins the moment we are born, but somehow it accelerates when we play Bridge.

Limited Options
Cigarettes and bridge are the perfect type of pleasure. It gives you immediate gratification and leaves you unsatisfied. What more can one want?

Win-win Option
If you want to win at Bridge, play with children ... and if you fall behind, it is easy to cheat.

C’est La Vie
Since I started playing Bridge, I have more stress, weigh more, exercise less and care less.

Bridge to Paradise
If the doctor ever tells you that you have just a few months to live, don't get depressed. Learn to play Bridge. Quite soon, you will look forward to your death.

Seeing the Future
I you want to know what you will look like 10 years from now, just play 3 sessions of Bridge in a day for a week.

Weighing the Benefits
Of course a loving wife is better than winning a Bridge tournament. But I am not sure about 2 Bridge Tournaments.

As Eye See It
When you are doing well, you are a good player. When they are doing well, they are lucky.

Parental Guidance
Of course prostitutes sometimes get pregnant by mistake. Where do you think Bridge Players come from?

Screw it on Tighter
How many Bridge players do you need to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and 3 to tell him how he could have done it better.

End Play
Bridge is an addiction only curable by death.

2004

2007-11-26T21:53:00.000-08:00

A Question of Priority

A man was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the local park at 9pm that night if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again.
He didn't arrive until after 11pm. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, "What took ya so long? You're over two hours late."
"Hey! Give me a break," whined the man. "They needed a fourth for bridge at the club."

Sick Six Sex

A bridge fanatic husband and his wife played bridge all afternoon at the club and adjourn for dinner. He goes over every hand with his wife, writing on every napkin, not to mention their tablecloth. They go back, play another session, and adjourn to the same restaurant for a late snack. Again he starts to go over the hands. Finally the wife says "Bill, I can't take it any more, can't we talk about something else, anything else like politics, the movies, sports, sex?
Bill says, "Sex? Yes, I remember, on board number sex, I had sex diamonds to the king queen..."

Joke Puzzle – Lonely King

Opposition has not bid and the declarer (who is from China) plays in a 6NT contract. He has a small doubleton club in his hand and a doubleton CK-C3 in dummy. He leads his low club and plays the C3 from dummy and incredibly dropping the singleton Ace and thus making his contract. What is this play called?

A Peeking Duck

Aggressive Modern Bidding
Thanks to modern bidding, many pairs have no difficulty reaching their 19-point game. The difficulty, of course, will come in the play.

Sympathy for the Devil
What is the difference between partnering the Devil and partnering your wife?
The Devil shuts up after you admit your mistake.

The Easier Option
A bridge novice was polishing a lamp and… poof! Out popped a genie. “There is a recession on, I can grant you only one wish.”
The novice thought a while and said, “I wish for world peace.”
“You’ve got to be kidding! I’m only a genie.”
The novice thought again and then suggested, “OK, then make me the best bridge player.”
“Hmm… ” The genie pondered. “Now let me see … How many countries are there in the world again….”

Daffy-Nit-Shuns : Trump Coup
Triumph of Ivana’s attorneys in securing a huge alimony.

Daffy-Nit-Shuns : Law of Total Tricks
Recent Las Vegas ordinance to reduce prostitution.

Regal Problems
Smart bridge players don’t get married because they know that 5 Queens is one too many.

Why Bridge is Better
You can blame your partner for a poor performance.

As Eye See It
A Bridge match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.

Murphy’s Law – Making Your Contract
If there is more than one way to play the hand, you will always choose the way that brings you down

Guaranteed Way to Play Better Bridge
If you really want to get better at Bridge, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Confusion Says …
Man who plays Bridge once a week is sociable. Man who plays 4 times a week is competitive. Man who plays every day has no life.

Conserving Space
Unlike most sports, you only need 15cm of space to play bridge -- the distance between your ears.

Endless Enigma
Bridge is for people who like to do puzzles without answers.

Bridge et al
There is more to life than Bridge, but not much more.

I, Chimp
A popular bar hired a genetically modified chimpanzee bartender. A fellow came in for a drink and the chimp asked him “What's your IQ?”
The man bluffed, “150”
So the chimp proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, relativity, and so on.
The man listened intently and thought, 'This is really cool.'
The man decided to test the chimp again. He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again, the chimp asked him, 'What's your IQ?'
The man responded, “100.”
So the chimp started talking about current events, politics, and so on.
The man thought to himself, “Wow, this is amazing.”
The man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the chimp asked him, 'What's your IQ?'
The man replied, “50.”
“So” the chimp said, “how was your bridge game last night?”

Divine Consequences
Tom was a Bridge fanatic and a religious man as well. He would play bridge everyday. Tom was getting on in years, and one day after feeling rather poorly, he remarked to his wife, "I sure hope there is Bridge in the after-life"
The moment he finished uttering those words, he heard a voice thunder, "Tom, this is God, I hear you and will answer your question. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?"
Tom was startled, "Well, give me the good news, O God".
God replied, "The good news is that we have over 1000 Bridge Clubs with players of all standards. Your finesses will always work and everybody is really nice and polite."
Tom was ecstatic, "That is wonderful! What possibly can be the bad news?"
God replied, "You start playing tomorrow at 9:00 am."

Why Bridge is Better
You are not likely to get into trouble if you play with someone else's partner.

Allies to Opponents
There's no game like Bridge. You start to play with three friends and finish with two.

The 12 Laws of Bridge

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last hand was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the last hand of the match, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend well over the course of a tournament … actually your lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best game of bridge will be followed almost immediately by your worst ever. The intensity of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Finesses never work. If one does, the law of the universe has been broken and life as we know it will come to an end … and it is your fault.

LAW 4: As soon as you fail to make your contract, your partner will look to the ceiling and shake his head. It is totally irrelevant that your partner supported your suit with a void.

LAW 5: Incompetence has no correlation to years of experience. You will go downhill without ever reaching the top.

LAW 6: The more points or trumps you hold in your hand, the worse the distribution will be. This bridge law mocks the law of statistics. When you have an 8-card trump fit, not only will the split be (at least) 4-1, but the opponent with the singleton will get a ruff.

LAW 7: A smiling opponent is the most painful torture known to man. Pretending that you did not see the smile quadruples the pain.

LAW 8: You will always forget whether a critical card has been played when it matters the most. No matter how you decide, it will always be wrong. Law 7 will immediately follow this.

LAW 9: No matter how well you shuffle the cards, the Ace will sit behind your King. (see Law 3 and Elvis Presley Coup)

LAW 10: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you. Law 7 will immediately follow this.

LAW 11: No matter how well you are doing, the last three hands will automatically drop your score to what it really should be.

LAW 12: Bridge should be given up at least twice per month and whenever Law 7 occurs.

Daffy-nit-shuns : Losing at Bridge:
A continuous hangover without the Intoxication.

Daffy-nit-shuns – Bridge Mistake
A 'mistake' in bridge is any action, either in bidding or play, which is unsuccessful.

Sarcasm Overheard at the Bridge Table
Bridge Player: "You've got to be the worst partner in the world!"
Partner: "I doubt it, that would be too much of a coincidence"

Bridge Player: " Well, Partner, How do you like my play?"
Partner: "Very good! But personally I prefer Bridge."

Bridge Player: "Sorry Partner, I have never played this badly before!"
Partner: "I didn't realize you have played before."

Bridge Player: " Do you think my game is improving?"
Partner: "Oh yes! You only go down one nowadays"

Bridge Player: "Do you think it is a sin to play Bridge on Sunday?"
Partner: "The way you play, it's a crime any day of the week!"

Divine Punishment
Bridge is a game invented by God to punish people who retire early.

Still Short
He is an excellent declarer and can always make one trick more than others. Unfortunately, he bids two levels too high.

Tip of the Month --Escaping Problems
The real test of a bridge player isn't in keeping out of trouble, but how to escape once he is in it.

Goren Pisang
Helen Sobel is arguable one of the best woman players of all time. However there was a time when she was just starting out in her bridge career and had the rare opportunity to partner the legendary Charles Goren.

When asked by a journalist what it feels like to play with a really great player, she casually pointed to Goren and said “Ask him!”

Total Recall
Two great players, Robert Sheehan and Jonathan Cansino, had been having a terrible game. Of course each thinks it is the other's fault. Finally Sheehan hands Jonathan a tiny piece of blank paper and says:
"Here Jonathan, write down everything you know about bridge."
Jonathan replies: "Well, it's a bigger piece of paper than I would have given you."

Puzzle – Weakest Winning Trick
Can a hand holding four 2s, four 3s, four 4s and one 5 legally win a trick in No Trumps? Of course the answer is “yes” otherwise why would it be a puzzle. But you will have to wreck your brains to figure it out how it can happen. Knowledge of obscure laws of Bridge is definitely an asset.

Puzzle – Hand Patterns
How many hand patterns are there? (Disregard suit order)
29 (B) 39 (C) 49 (D) 59 )

I Say, Old Chap ….
A bridge game was going on in a bridge club in London. Old Mr. Jones memory isn’t what it used to be. After opening Hearts, he ended up playing 7NT but thought it was 7H. The opponents led the CA and the dummy went down with a void in Clubs.
“Ruff low please.” said Mr. Jones
“I would loved to” replied his partner.

Facing the Problem
A bridge teacher explaining duplicate bridge protocol tells this lady to make her opening leads face down. She promptly puts her head on the table and leads a card – face up!

Squeaky Clean
Sam: I don’t know what happened. My mind went blank like it has been brainwashed.
Joe: Your brain has not only been washed, it has been dry-cleaned

Dirty Low Down Spade
A weak player hires John to be his partner in a high stakes game. The weak player leads the SK and John has the S 10 9 8. John knows that if he plays the 8 his partner will think it is a high card and will continue the suit, which will be awful. So what to do?
He pulls out the S8, purposely drops it under the table and spends a long time trying to fish it out. Finally his partner asks him what he is looking for. John replies; Oh nothing, I just dropped a low spade."

Mumbo Jumbo
“As I was saying,” the Bridge Instructor continued, “the working ruffing finesse can be viewed as a simple Morton Coup which allows the declarer to trump or sluff if the opponent covers or else discard a loser if he doesn’t. There are also en passant possibilities.”
The instructor noticed that one student of his class was not taking notes. When asked why, he replied
“Well, I am waiting until you start speaking English”

Vile Reptile
After watching “Jurassic Park”, Jane asked Sue if she thought whether a T. Rex dinosaur could be cloned.
“What do you mean by “could be”. Have you seen my bridge partner?”

Equality
Ms. Bertha never partners men, as she firmly believes that all men were created equal. Equally incompetent, that is.

Invisible Clues
“There are no blind opening leads, only deaf bridge players”
– Old bridge adage.

How’s That Again?
After Sam led a Diamond 7, declarer asked his partner what kind of leads they play.
Joe answered “His lead could be a fourth best from the middle of a top of nothing.”

How’s That Again?
My Partner bid a “lead directing” Double to tell himself what to lead.

Daffy-nit-shuns -- Gerber Convention
Gerber Convention — annual meeting of baby-food manufacturers

Daffy-nit-shuns -- Short Club
Short Club — a private organization for midgets

Right or Wrong Rule?
Remember the guy who led the 8 from 98 doubleton because his teacher told him "eight ever, nine never."

Most Important Factor to Win a Tournament
It was unanimously agreed among all the top bridge players that the most important factor to win a tournament is to show up.

It's All Relative
While a bridge tournament was going on, Satan suddenly appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the bridge club except for one man, who sit calmly in his chair, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been partnering to your sister for 25 years."

What a Downer!
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Make It Easy
Regardless of what sadistic impulses we may harbor, winning bridge means helping partner avoid mistakes.
Frank Stewart

Bridge Dikshunairy " Bozone
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding bridge players that stops bright ideas from penetrating. Unlike the Ozone layer, the Bozone layer shows no sign of weakening.

Better You than Me
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
- Alfred Sheinwold

Reaching Your Potential
The difference between genius and stupidity at bridge is that genius has its limits.

Spouse Grouse
If you play bridge with your wife as a partner you need at least 20 points to open the bidding and it wouldn't hurt to have 25.
- Joe James

Bitter Half
When arguing while partnering their spouse, most men view it as a matter of wife or deaf.

Daffy-nit-shuns
Takeout Double "the one that your partner passes.

Bridge Movies
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" Singapore's chance of winning the Bermuda Bowl World Championship.

Important Bridge Rules
Rule of Eleven

the inevitable trick total whenever you bid a slam.

Brain Pain
Bridge is a self-inflicted punishment for people with too much time and intelligence.

Sign that You are a Bridge Addict
Your idea of a good time on a beautiful weekend is to go indoors and play.

Why Bridge is Better
You can stop in the middle and have a burger and a couple of beers.

The Gum Wrapper Coup
Not many books will tell you the secret of the "Gum Wrapper Coup" but "THE GRANDSLAM" will enlighten you -- whether you like it or not.

This is how it works. The bidding is complete and it is your crucial opening lead. You look at your cards intently (for effect, of course) then look at the ceiling (for inspiration, of course), then you slowly unwrap the paper of your Wrigley's (to eat, of course) and delicately place it in your mouth (the gum, not the wrapper, stupid).

By now your opponents must be really annoyed at your time wasting tactics and the dummy is itching to put down his cards and go to the loo. When you feel that the opponents are ready to call in the director, you slam the flattened Gum Wrapper from under your palm on to the table.

If all goes according to plan, dummy will immediately lay down the cards. By the time he realizes his mistake, you have already glanced at the cards and are ready with the killing opening lead.

The "gum wrapper" coup was said to have been invented by David Burnstine in the 1930s and the first victim was none other than the great Ely Culbertson.

THE GRANDSLAM takes no responsibility for the accuracy of the story and is not responsible for any grievous bodily harm that might result from the execution of the coup.

Death Wish
I want to die before my wife. If she goes up there ahead of me and tells everybody about all my bridge mistakes, I will never get a decent partner.

I Just Don't Get No Respect
In the last issue of Grandslam, readers were told about the ability of P. Hal Sims to locate the Queen in a 2-way finesse. Well, aside from his body language reading ability, he was also a partner that appears in your worst nightmare.

According to legend, he once partnered B. Jay Becker, the world-renowned bridge master who represented the USA many times in his illustrious career. Nevertheless, that did not restrain Sims. For an alleged mistake during a tournament, he roared "Becker, you idiot, you nincompoop, you dunderhead…"

Becker took him aside and said "Mr. Sims, if we are going to have a successful partnership you'll have to treat me with more respect."

Sims cooled down after this. Later in the match Sims once again felt that Becker made a mistake. Remembering to treat Becker with more respect, he chose his words carefully, "MISTER Becker, you idiot, you nincompoop, you dunderhead…"

Ever since that incident, Becker has always been called Mr. Becker.

Murphy's Laws of Bridge Opponents –by inzane
1. No matter how badly your opponents bid, they will always end up in the correct contract.

2. No matter how badly your opponents play, you will hold the exact cards and distribution to allow them to make.

A Full Circle
A bridge expert smiles with approval as he watches others commit the same mistakes as he used to make in order to become an expert.

Eternity
Eternity is hard to conceive unless you are partnering a novice in a tournament.

As Tears Go By
A certain lady who plays bridge wears contact lenses that often requires lubrication. She asked her friend, who also wears contact lenses, how she handles it.

"As you know" her friend said, "there is no time to go to the ladies and apply eye-drops during the game. So I try to cry to lubricate my eyes."

"And how do you manage to do that?"

"Easy! I just think about my partner's mistakes."

Emergency Escape
A doctor answered the phone at his home and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for bridge," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "There are three doctors there already!"

Exterior Motives
There was a heavy snowfall that evening and the bridge club was not expecting many people to brave the storm to attend their weekly bridge game. Finally 2 unshaven guys with tattoos walk in.

"For you guys to show up in this weather, you must really love the game" the convenor said.

"Nah, I just wanted to try out my 4-wheel drive truck under extreme conditions" the guy replies.

Modern Bridge

My partner is 20 years behind the times. Nowadays you just need 13 cards to bid. My partner still thinks you need high cards to open bid.

Beat That!
Two wives were discussing how badly their respective husbands play.

The first wife says, "Just let me tell you what happened last night. My husband was playing 7NT with 12 top tricks and he needed a spade finesse for 13. Dummy had the AQ of spades and the King was onside. So, what do you think the idiot did? He took the first 11 tricks and ended up in DUMMY. Now he played the Queen from the dummy at trick twelve!"

"So what's so bad about that?" says wife number two "My moron husband would have ducked his Queen!"

Following the Rules
Did you hear about the guy who led the 8 from 98 doubleton because his teacher told him "eight ever, nine never."

Final Bid?
When Oswald Jacoby was in his eighties, he bid every time it was his turn. When his partner asked why, he said: "At my age the bidding may not get back around to me again!"

Bridge Equipment

Asked why he does not play bridge with his wife anymore, the husband replied "I refuse to play in any game that requires earmuff and shin guards."

Daffy-nit-shuns
Doubleton — 4,000 pounds

Daffy-nit-shuns
Roman Key-Card Blackwood — an ingenious convention that allows you to get to a grand slam missing 3 Aces.

Losing Combination
A man was walking down the street when a particularly dirty, half-naked and shabby-looking homeless man asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to buy cigarettes instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I stopped smoking decades ago" the homeless man replied. "I need every cent I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?" the man asked.
"Why should I risk getting a disease for a cheap thrill?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Will you spend this on playing Bridge instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played bridge in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks
like who's given up beer, smoking, sex and bridge."

Bridge Book for Losers
Now a Bridge book to end all Bridge books – "Zen and the art of Losing at Bridge". It contains some really good and useful advice and articles like :-

1. How to go Down with a Smile.
2. How to Duck the Left Hook from your Partner.
3. How to Accidentally Overturn the Bridge Table when the Contract is Doomed.
4. Proper Etiquette when you are partnering a complete Jerk.
5. Instant Meditation when your partner stars to cry or complain.
6. How to Rationalize Wasting 10 or more hours a week on Bridge.
7. Why so few Bridge Players have a Life.
8. Why your wife no longer cares how you made the Slam.
9. Why having a Thick Skin is better than trying to Improve.
10. How to relax when your partner asks what the Trump Suit is halfway through the Game.

How's that Again?
People who complain about bad luck in Bridge can be divided into 2 groups – men and women.

Reverse Logic
Her partner was furious when she was late for the bridge game.

"Can't you see the heavy rain and strong winds?" she explained "I take one step forward and I slip two steps backwards."

"Nonsense" her partner replied "then how did you ever get here?"

"I turned around and started walking home

How True
How is it possible that a person will play flawlessly when he is the opposition and senselessly when he is your partner?

Burns With Smoke
The late George Burns, the cigar smoking actor & comedian, often played Bridge at a club outside Los Angeles. One day when he was 95 and puffing away at the bridge table he saw a new "No Smoking" sign. As expected, he made his usual fuss. When he arrived the next day, he was pleased to see the sign modified to "No Smoking except those over 90"

Great Expectations
Just after his partner successfully bid and made 7NT, Sam commented "That was ok, but I would have made an overtrick"

Words to Regret
Of all the words spoken on the bridge table, the most frequent has to be "If only…"

Reverse Dummy
A middle-aged man has a bridge session every Saturday morning and comes home at about 2pm. One Saturday, he came home at 8pm and his wife was furious.

"I was on my way home" he explained "when I saw this young woman on the side of the road trying to repair a flat tire. I helped her to change it and one thing led to another and we ended up spending the afternoon in a motel. I am sorry and it won't happen again."

"Bullshit" she shouted, "You played bridge in the afternoon as well, didn't you?"

Handicap Pairs
Blind people have special Braille cards that have embossed numbers and pictures so that they can be identified by touch. Although the bridge game goes pretty slow, at a recent competition the totally blind pair of Stevie Wonder and Helen Keller beat all the world champions like Bob Hamman, Zia Mahmood and others. The winning pair was not given any handicap except one.

The game was played at night without lights!

Intellectual Levels?
Last week I took my son to the Science Center and I was fascinated by the on-line Quiz questions asked by the computer.

My son clicked on the "Genius Level" and out poured questions on quantum mechanics and relativity. We were dumbfounded and quickly clicked the "Average Level". We managed to answer a few of the questions that the computer threw at us on basic Science..

Before leaving, curiosity got the better of me and I decided to click the "Idiot Level".

I had to quickly dragged my son away from the computer. It was spewing out Bridge puzzles!

Daffy-nit-shuns – Splinter Bid
Splinter Bid — the only known way to become declarer in a slam contract with a singleton trump in your hand

Its All Relative

While a bridge tournament was going on, Satan suddenly appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the bridge club except for one man, who sit calmly in his chair, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been partnering to your sister for 25 years."

What a Downer!
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Make It Easy
Regardless of what sadistic impulses we may harbor, winning bridge means helping partner avoid mistakes.
Frank Stewart

Bridge Dikshunairy : Bozone

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding bridge players that stops bright ideas from penetrating. Unlike the Ozone layer, the Bozone layer shows no sign of weakening.

Better You than Me

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
- Alfred Sheinwold

Reaching Your Potential
The difference between genius and stupidity at bridge is that genius has its limits.

Spouse Grouse
If you play bridge with your wife as a partner you need at least 20 points to open the bidding and it wouldn't hurt to have 25.

- Joe James

Bitter Half
When arguing while partnering their spouse, most men view it as a matter of wife or deaf.

Daffy-nit-shuns
Takeout Double : the one that your partner passes.

Bridge Movies
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea " Singapore's chance of winning the Bermuda Bowl World Championship.

Important Bridge Rules
Rule of Eleven " the inevitable trick total whenever you bid a slam.

Brain Pain
Bridge is a self-inflicted punishment for people with too much time and intelligence.

Sign that You are a Bridge Addict
Your idea of a good time on a beautiful weekend is to go indoors and play.

Why Bridge is Better
You can stop in the middle and have a burger and a couple of beers.

2007

2007-10-05T00:40:00.000-07:00

Five Reason why Bridge is better

1. Nobody expects you to give up bridge if your partner loses interest in it
Your partner will never say, “Not again, we just played bridge yesterday!
Your partner will never say “Is Bridge all you ever think about?"
Your partner will not complain if you finish quickly.
Nobody expects you to play bridge with the same partner for the rest of your life

A Grand Pun

What did the husband say to his wife when she bid and made a Grandslam?
You mean a great deal to me

Extreme Consistency

"Why can't you be consistent in your play, partner?"
"The only completely consistent people are the dead."

All in the Family

“Last week, I stated that my partner was the worst bridge player I have seen. I have since partnered his sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.”

Lost in Thought

“I never forget the partners I play with, but in your case I will make an exception.”

Payback with Interest

Be awfully nice to your partner when he makes a mistake because you're going to make some yourself.

Killing him Softly

If you really have to tell your partner his mistake, it costs nothing to be polite.

Knowing the Limits

“My Partner hasn't got the remotest knowledge of how to play bridge, nor the slightest instinct about when to die.”

Uncharacteristic

When my partner insulted me, I was tempted to sue him for defamation of character. Then I realised that Bridge Players have no character.

Q.E.D

Q: Why do partners always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...

How’s That Again?

My partner is so stupid that he leads 4th best from a 3-card suit.

Quality not Quantity

I get along great with my partner. We had only one argument in 30 years. The problem is that the argument lasted 30 years.

Brain Drained

Aristotle taught that the function of the brain is to cool the blood. This is only true with my partner.

As I See it

”I don't have an attitude problem, partner. You have a perception problem.”

Breaking the 8-minute Barrier

”My partner plays slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.”

Flash in the Pan

My partner’s mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone for the rest of the match.

Wasted Sarcasm

“After that play, I'd insult you, partner, but you're not bright enough to notice.”

What’s the Point?

The difference between my partner and a cactus is that the plant only has pricks on the outside.

Living Hell

First Guy (proudly): "My partner's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Baby Blues

My partner is childish and stubborn. He refuses to play any new system. I can’t change him unless he puts on his nappies.

So Long, Pair Well

What do you do if your partner walks out on you?
You shut the door.

Facing the Truth

”All my Partners are nasty - they just have different faces, so I can tell them apart.“

Daffy-nit-shun : Partner

Partner : A person who took up bridge to make another person miserable.

Old Dog, New Tricks

The best way to get your partner to learn a new convention is to suggest he is too old for it.

Yah Who?

A man inserted an ad on the internet “Partner wanted".
Next day he received a thousand emails. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

How’s That Again?

A good partner always forgives you when he’s wrong.

Greener Grass

Playing Bridge with your Partner is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then, when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

I Think, Therefore He Is

“I think I am a pretty good judge of character; which is why I hate all of my partners.”

One Down

“I hate my partner. He is the only reason I support the death penalty.”

Survival of the Nittest

It is a pity more partners are not bastards by birth instead of vocation.

One-way Street

A happy partnership is a matter of giving and taking.
You give and your partner takes.

Double Indemnity

”My Partner has a split personality, and I hate both of them.”

Less See, Lassie

“The more I see my partner, the more I admire dogs.”

Dead Ringer

“Partners, after a while, become like car alarms. They make a lot of noise no one listens to.”

Negative Feedback

“The difference between my partner and a battery is that the battery has a positive side.”

Changing Suits

“I know my bridge partner is gay because he keeps on arranging and rearranging his cards.”

Gender Bias

“I only hate only 2 types of partners, Men and women.”

Coup d’elite

“People who can plan out and execute a successful Smother Coup belong to a most exclusive club in the world.”

Unfair Exchange

“With hesitations, body language cues and the familiarity of partner’s style, bridge can never really be a totally fair game.”

Be All

“Those who make Bridge a major part of their lives will become no more of value than the game itself.”

A Reason why Bridge is Better

Foursomes are normal

Another Reason why Bridge is Better

No one will ever tell you that you will go blind if you play bridge by yourself.

A Sign that You are a Bridge Addict

People in your family get their supply of cards from you

Bargain Basement

What do you call a basement full of bridge players?

A whine cellar

Fatal Attraction

“I thought I wanted a friendly, social game but it turns out I just wanted to abuse and be abused.”

God’s Dilemma

Too many bridge players, not enough brains

Daffy-nit-shuns - Experience

Experience : A marvelous thing that enables you to recognise the same mistake you made the last time.

Daffy-nit-shuns -- 2 over 1

2 over 1 : More fun than 1 over 1

Who’s the Boss?

LKY opens 4H, GCT Doubles, LHL Passes and GY bids 4S.

LKY looks intently at everyone, tears away the bidding slip and again bids 4H on the new slip.

All pass.

Important Rules

Leading Through Strength — a sure-fire way to make your queens disappear.

Daffy-nit-shuns -- Bridge

Bridge is organised loafing.

How’s That Again?

Bridge is 90% mental and 50% luck.

Confusion Says ….

Bridge like horse racing. One winner many losers.

Musick to the Ears

"The people who gave us bridge and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music."

Ultimate Optimist

“My finesses lose, I can’t remember the cards, my bidding is terrible and no one wants to partner me anymore. Other than that, bridge is great.”

From Frying Pan to Fire

The cure for boredom is bridge. There is no cure for bridge.

Bad Vibrations

Bridge players must believe in luck. How else to explain the successes of those bridge players we don’t like.

Keeping it Simple
Never attribute a mistake to carelessness when it can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Fallback Position

Bridge is what is left when you run out of meaningful things to do.

Unlucky for Some

If God wanted us to play bridge, he would have given us 13 fingers.

Well Protected

“I played Bridge once when I was 10 years old. It was like an inoculation and made me immune from it for the rest of my life.”

Important Bridge Rules

Eight Ever, Nine Never —what happens whenever you play 3 NT

Bending the Cards

It is always the best policy to admit your mistake, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.

Comatose

Anyone who plays 3 rounds of bridge in a day should be medically declared brain-dead.

Reaching Your Potential.
When you are not doing well in a tournament, cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Limited Horizon

“When dummy comes down, you must plan the play. Unfortunately it is not possible to look further than what you can see”

Hard Luck

Luck is what you have left after you have tried your very best.

No Pun Fartnering You

Although they get good results with other partners, Choo Wai and LL never do well when they partner each other. That only goes to show that Two Wongs don’t make a Right.

(sorry guys …ed)

If you enjoy Puns and Feghoots like the one above, you can visit my blog which has all my originals.

http://feghoots.blogspot.com

Bridging The Gap

Two old bridge partners, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about bridge, like they do every day.

Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's bridge in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it and replies, "I don’t know. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol"

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there bridge in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news, bad news and very bad news."

"Give me the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is bridge in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What is the bad news?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You are supposed to partner me on Friday."

Sol ponders a little and say “Oh well, we all have to die sometime. That is not so bad, Abe,”

Abe looks down and mutters “But you will be busy elsewhere.”

A Sign that You are a Bridge Addict

You set the alarm for 3am to play Internet Bridge with your overseas partner.

A Reason why Bridge is Better

It is perfectly acceptable to play with total strangers.

Another Reason why Bridge is Better

There are no Bridge transmitted diseases.

Yet Another Reason why bridge is better

You don’t have to lock your door when playing Bridge on the Internet.

Daffy-nit-shuns – Vienna Coup

Vienna Coup — the mating sound of Austrian doves.

Confusion Says …

He who stops being better stops being good

Falling Uphill

I use to drink milk, play bridge and never smoked. But after my wife ran away, I chain smoked, got drunk everyday and played poker and blackjack.

I didn't even have the chance to thank her.

Quick Start

There is always a time during the tournament when I am in first place. Unfortunately, that’s when the first round starts.

Wasted Talent

Having a good sense of humour is useless in bridge as the people you use it on are usually not in a very good mood.

Maximizing Fun

The way you have fun in Bridge is by winning.

Rise and Whine

I feel sorry for people who don't play bridge. They wake up in the morning and that's the best thing they are going to do all day.

Daffy-nit-shuns – Slam Cue Bids

Slam Cue Bids – An ingenious convention that allows you to get to a grand slam without the ace of trumps

End Play

Some people think that Bridge is a matter of life and death. Any competent bridge player will tell you that it is more serious than that.

Worst than Last

A bad attitude is worse than losing.

Golden Reply

Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.

Limited Value

Experience, unfortunately, will teach only the teachable.

Bridge Around the World

In Italy , all Bridge Players are important.

In the US , only the successful Bridge Players are important.

In China , all Bridge players are equally unimportant.

In Singapore , you have to explain what a Bridge Player is.

Car-toons

Choosing a bridge partner is like choosing a car. Some want a flashy Coupe. Some want a strong pick-up Truck. Some may just want a reliable Sedan . But most end up with a large, boring SUV.

Lost by a Trick

Bridge is the second most exciting indoor sport, and the first one shouldn't have spectators.

Bridge to Heaven

Man: Is there anything I can do for a very long life?
Doctor: Play Bridge
Man: Will it help?
Doctor: No, but you will stop thinking about wanting it.

Dropping Standards

Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.

Another Reason why Bridge is Better

When you visit a bridge website, you don’t have to worry about getting emails from wildteenagesluts.com for the rest of your life.

Yet Another Reason why Bridge is better

You can still do it in your 80s.

Daffy-nit-shuns – Bath Coup

Bath Coup -- getting to use the tub before your roommate.

Daffy-nit-shuns - Brain

Brain - An apparatus with which we think we think.

A Sign that You are a Bridge Addict

Your bumper sticker reads: MY OTHER LIFE IS BRIDGE

Bridge of Pleasure

Art and Bridge are two roads by which people escape from circumstances to pleasure.

Pumping Irons

I am not crazy about bridge. I just play it everyday to keep in shape for chess.

A Great Deal of Time

I am not a bridge addict - I can go for hours and hours without touching any cards.

A Reason why Bridge is Better

When dealing with a bridge pro, you don’t have to worry that she might be an undercover vice squad cop.

Three Reasons Why Women Prefer Bridge

You can play bridge any time of the month.

When the cards get old and soft, you just get a new one.

At least you can be assured that a game will last 7 minutes.

Better Half

Money cannot make you a better Bridge player but it can sure buy you a better partner.

Even the Croc Smiles

Always be polite to your opponents, even if you don't mean it.

What Really Counts

Remember, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose;

what matters is whether I win or lose.

Confusion Says …

In Love and Bridge, man no need lots of finesses when a few squeezes will do.

Confusion Says …

A man without bridge is like a fish without bicycle.

How to Win

The way to winning bridge is to study hard, practice often and have an IQ of 200.

Breaking Even

A computer once beat me at Bridge. But it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Calling a Spade

Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes - Oscar Wilde

The Meaning of Life

If bridge is the answer, you better rephrase the question.

The Blame Game

You have no control over what the other pair does. But you have control over what you do.

Brilliance not Required?
The way to win is not to execute the rare coup but to play consistently and not make any silly mistakes

Three Reason why Bridge is Better

i) You don’t have to use gloves when playing with a stranger.

ii) You don't have to convince your Bridge partner that you're playing for the first time

iii) If you find a permanent partner, you don’t have to deal with priests, counselors or take blood-tests.

Daffy-nit-shuns - Bridge

Bridge is organised loafing

Confusion Says …

Bridge player like teabag -- cannot tell how strong until put in hot water.

Money No Enough

Bridge is like money. Only too much is enough.

Cry Baby

If a bridge addict has to choose between playing Bridge and saving an infant's life, he will of course choose to save the infant's life, unless of course it is a major tournament.

Slow Hand

If you give up Bridge, you don’t actually live longer. It just seems that way.

Better Half

Perhaps the saddest lot that can befall mortal man is to be a worse bridge player than his wife.

Top of Nothing

A common joke God plays on humans is to make them mediocre bridge players.

Share the Pain

When everything is going real well between you and your spouse, you should both take up Bridge. I don’t see why we should languish in our misery alone.

How’s That Again?

The problem with winning is that it does not teach you how to deal with failure.

Not So Cold Turkey

Giving up Bridge is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Psychological Warfare

Bridge is war without the physical action.

Up-rooted

What “Root Says” — tips work on lesson deals, but never in real life.

A Reason Why Women Prefer Bridge

You can't get diseases from a partner you don't know well.

Another Reason Why Women Prefer Bridge

You don't have to take a shower either before or after playing bridge.

Yet Another Reason Why Women Prefer Bridge

You can play bridge as long as you want and it won't get sore.

Heavyweight Fright

Can you imagine a world without bridge? All those fat lazy people would be loose on the streets. Absolutely frightening.

Playing it Straight

Bridge is so much fun it is difficult to believe it is legal.

Short on Excuses

I failed to make the bridge team because of my height

I Think that I Think

The greatest obstacle to become a good bridge player is not ignorance -- it is the illusion of knowledge.

Between the Lines

A good bridge player hears one bid and understands two.

Three Reason Why Men Prefer Bridge

No one will ever tell you that you will go blind if you play bridge by yourself.

It is perfectly acceptable to play bridge with a total stranger.

Your partner won’t mind if you have a beer during Bridge.

Three Reasons Why Women Prefer Bridge

When playing bridge, everybody finishes at the same time.

When you see a really good bridge player, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you together.

The phrase "could be short" carries no negative connotations.

Daffy-Nit-Shuns - Bridge

Bridge is a weapon of mass distraction. (For more puns, visit http://feghoots.blogspot,com )

Struggling in the Mud

Bridge Players don’t get much respect. We are ranked right there at the bottom with the Lawyers, Politicians and Financial Consultants.

Getting Physical

I have read several Bridge Books but I find them impossible to understand. The only thing useful I did with them was when I utilized a simple squeeze to endplay an irritating fly.

Daffy-nit-shuns - Bridge
Bridge : Extremely addictive and only curable by death

How’s That Again?

I always advise my Bridge partner not to give advice.

Confusion Says …

Man must try everything once …. except bridge and suicide.

Delivering the Male

Playing Bridge is an old English tradition, like unwed mothers.

Daffy-nit-shuns – Singaporean

A Singaporean is someone who thinks Bridge is something you cross over.

Queen of Diamonds Off-side

My biggest mistake at the Bridge Tournament was to let my wife go shopping by herself.

Final Resting Place

Bridge is the last resort for those who don't know how to idle.

Inspiration from Above

There will be times when playing a bridge hand, you will be stuck. Should I finesse? Should I play for a drop? Maybe I should eliminate a suit first? But perhaps I should draw trumps first? Just in case, should I duck one round to rectify the count?

In such tough situations, go down on your knees, put your hands together, close your eyes, bow your head and ask yourself "What would Curly do?"

(for the benefit of the younger generation, Curly was a member of the slapstick trio, The 3 Stooges)

Pass One Club

I don't want to belong to any (bridge) club that will accept me as a member.

- Groucho Marx or Woody Allen

2006

2007-10-05T00:29:00.000-07:00

Killer Instinct

“Bridge skill does not drops off with age, it's the drive and killer instinct ... and when a man isn't primed to kill he makes mistakes.”

Yanking Bootstraps

Good Bridge comes from experience, and a lot of that experience comes from bad Bridge.

Calling a Spade a Spade

They call the game Bridge because PMS was already taken.

A Reason why Bridge is Better

Four times a day is so easy.

Hot Turkey

I don't suffer from bridge addiction; I enjoy every minute of it.

A Sign that You are a Bridge Addict

As you walk by, you just have to stop and watch others play.

Nerds Need Not Apply

“The sum of all technical knowledge cannot make a master Bridge player” -- Ely Culbertson

Changing Times

“Years ago there were only two acceptable excuses for not leading the suit your partner had opened; having no cards in the suit, and sudden death.” -- Alfred Sheinwold

Improving Partner

“Your play was not much better tonight, Partner, but your excuses certainly were.”

How’s That Again?

“When I take a 50-50 chance I expect it to come off 8 or 9 times out of 10.” - Hideous Hog

Cutting Down Mistakes

“Now that he's at the six level, he knows no more than he did before but there's less bidding space for making errors."

Daffy-nit-shuns -- Foreplay

Foreplay is the bidding sequence in Bridge (what were you thinking!)

Shock Therapee

There are 4 ways to learn bridge.

Those who learn by listening.

Those who learn by reading.

Those who learn by observation.

The rest have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

20/20 Hindsight

The correct way to make the contract will become obvious as soon as you have finished your play.

“Does Bidding goes Clockwise?”

"Bridge is one of the few games you can enjoy without being good at it."

A Sign that You are a Bridge Addict

You cringe when your better half asks you if you have anything to do on Sunday

Reaping Rewards

The more you practice, the luckier you get.

Turtle Preferred

Most bridge players prefer consistency in their partners rather than brilliance.
- Matthew Granovetter

Right Contract - Wrong Time

Four hearts is a very good bid -- but on some other hand

If Only…

“This three no-trump is the sort of contract that only Lloyd's of London would insure”

Shifting Blame

When in doubt, put the opponents on lead. Why should you make the mistake?

Full Circle

I understand some super-modernists are back to leading queen from queen-jack. They call it 'reverse’ Reverse.

Worst Luck

Bad enough when the trumps are 4-1, but when the singleton trump gets a ruff, that's downright unfair.

Aggressive Modern Bidding

Nowadays, all you need to open in the third and fourth seat is 13 cards

Revenge of the Novices

A novice makes the contract with a finesse while an expert goes down in style on a squeeze play.

Why We Play Bridge

Omar Sharif : Bridge players exists mainly to make life difficult for each others.

Universal Law of Finesses

Since losing finesses come in groups of three, a fourth consecutive losing finesse is actually the start of the next group of three.

Solo Boo-boo

Bridge is played by four people. Making a mistake is yours to savour alone.

Wrong Suiter

Did you hear about the couple who split up while playing bridge? She wanted Diamonds but all he had was Hearts.

Modernist Bidding Systems

Nowadays, I don't think anyone opens diamonds to show diamonds anymore. We lost the club suit in the 1950s. Now diamonds are gone and hearts are sinking fast.

Quota Problem

Since the average person's small supply of politeness must last a lifetime, he can't afford to waste much of it on bridge partners.

Alfred Sheinwold

Socially Unsociable

Bridge is essentially a social game, but unfortunately it attracts a large number of antisocial people.

Silver Lining

One advantage of bad bidding is that you get practice playing atrocious contracts.

Alfred Sheinwold

Handling Losers

During a class, a lady was asked on how to get rid of losers on a prepared hand.

Without hesitation, she replies: “I am going to lose them right away so I don't have to worry about them any more."

With Relish, Please

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Surprise!

"Partner! Where's the hand you held during the bidding?"

Greener Grass

I hate bridge players. They always seem to be having a better time than I am.

Computer Bridge Advances

The computer has just made a psychic bid. It shows you can't even trust a machine nowadays.

Bridge-napped

Her husband was 2 hours late from work when she found him in the kitchen.

“Where were you?” she screamed

“I was walking home from work when our neighbour caught hold of me as they needed a fourth for bridge. I tried my best to get away but they forced me to stay for 5 hours” he replied.

“But you have only been gone for 2 hours” she queried

He looked at her straight in the eye “Oh, I came here only to collect some beer.”

Hearts Forever

Why do cards have hearts on them?

Because spleens would look pretty gross!

Daffy-nit-shuns

Bridge : Violence under wraps.

Sharp Advice

Trust everybody but cut the cards.

Worse than Nothing

“Please don’t tell my mother I am a Professional Bridge Player. She thinks that I am a stripper in a gay bar.”

Bridge Sad-vice

The people who give you the most advice are either bridge players or those with whiskey in their breath.

High & Low

“I go to bridge tournaments full of confidence… and then the game begins.”

A Reason why Bridge is better

If you don’t like your partner, simply get another.

Troubled Waters Over Bridge

“I was in love with this wonderful and beautiful girl. We used to play bridge everyday. When she dumped me, I stopped Bridge and was driven to drinking. That's one thing I am indebted to her for.”

Bridge Players’ Dilemma

A Discovery Channel mind in an MTV/ESPN world.

Finessing Strategies?

Having difficulty finessing for the Queen? Here are some tips.

If you are feeling hungry, finesse towards the kitchen.

Tired? Then do it towards the bedroom.

Too much beer in your bladder? Then the finesse will work if you try it in the bathroom direction.

But romantic players instinctively know that the Queen has to lie over the Jack and under the King.

Shades of Grey

If you can't be kind to your partner, at least have the decency to be vague.

Painful Game

I think we're all a little masochistic. Otherwise, why would we continue to play bridge?

Purpose of Life“My dear partner, has it ever occurred to you that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others?”

Talking Encyclopedia

“I never attend bridge courses. Why should I pay money to a professional when my wife knows bloody everything?”

Limited Health

The good thing about bridge is that you only need to be healthy above the neck.

Herculean Task

Jack Simpson’s partner bid too aggressively and when dummy came down weaker than expected, he was heard muttering: "My name is Simpson, not Samson."

Queen of Hearts

A man who is not married is like playing bridge without the Queen of Hearts. When you finally find the missing card, it is too late.

Skimagination

Skill without Imagination is Craftsmanship.

Imagination without Skill is Abstract Art.

Skill with Imagination is Bridge.

Jump the Bridge

Nobody claims to be “below average” in Bridge. People, it seems, jump from beginner to average at the speed of light.

Bridge Movies

West Side Story — what the appeals committee would not buy as they ruled for North-South.

Extreme Bunk

Bridge advice is always given by people least qualified to do so and received by people most likely to ignore it.

How Deep is Your Love

“I am not only involved in bridge. I am totally committed. Do you know the difference? When you eat bacon and eggs, the chicken is involved but the pig is committed.”

One Step Better

“All that was needed was a simple finesse. But nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.”

A Sign that You are a Bridge Addict
Your toilet seat gets covered with a stack of bridge books and magazines.

Daffy-nit-shuns - "Tough Luck, Partner"

"Tough Luck, Partner" actually means "You screwed up an easy one, a******"

Instant Replay

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we make a mistake in our bidding or play, we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start over again?

On the 8th day ….

Finesses were created to humiliate the declarer.

A Reason why Bridge is better

You can do it every day without even breaking sweat.

Whatever

The defenders made two no-trump so it was an accurate contract -- just played the wrong way.

A Sign that You are a Bridge Addict

You smile after going down in a simple contract and then proceed to bang your head on the wall inside the toilet.

Inner Rage

Bridge is a non-violent game played violently from within.

Stressed Out

Bridge is a game where devotion will always net you absolutely nothing but an ulcer.

Double Edged

When I think of bridge I laugh. Unfortunately, when I think of bridge, I cry as well.

Understanding Partner
If you really put in the effort to try to understand your partner, you may be pleasantly surprised to learn that he actually has some human characteristics.

A Reason why Bridge is Better
You don't have to hide your bridge magazines

Another Reason why Bridge is Better

It is perfectly acceptable to hire a pro to play bridge with you once in a while

Antici-pain-tion

One gets used to abuse. It's the waiting to get abused that is so trying.

-- Rueful Rabbit.

Int-err

Unlike the physician, a bridge player cannot bury his mistakes.

Bottom Line
As long as you make your contract, who cares if the method is wrong.

Bridge of Love

Did you hear about the lovesick bridge player who always opens Hearts.

Better than Nothing?

Playing Bridge – the dreadful burden of having nothing better to do.

Never-ending Story

My partner likes to scold continuously. The problem is that every now and then he stops to breathe.

Limited Strategy

During the pressure of a bridge game, you should try to de-stress by taking deep breaths and relaxing your muscles to ease the tension. Relaxing your brain is fatal.

Bridge of Happiness ?

Bridge can't make you happy ... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery

Signs that You are a Bridge Addict

You lay awake at night thinking about some hands you played earlier

Another Sign that You are a Bridge Addict

You make a simple lay down slam and talk about it to all your bridge friends.

Daffy-nit-shuns - Quick Tricks

Quick Tricks — a last-minute scurry by hookers before the police arrive.

Win-Win Solution?

My wife is very happy that I learned to play bridge. She fully approves of anything that makes me miserable.

Heart Ache, Heart Break

Q : What did the newly married wife say to her husband after he bid and made 7H?

A: Darling, I love you with all my Hearts.

Q : What did the battle-axe wife say to her long suffering husband after he bid and made 7H?

A : Idiot!! Why didn’t you bid the cold 7NT for the top?

Cheap Words

Why is it that every bridge player feels he is qualified to dish out advice even though he has never won a major tournament in his life?

One Point Hand

The hostess of her bridge club got a last minute call from one of the players that she was sick. Unable to get a replacement on such short notice, she fixes up her husband with John, a mediocre player with an erratic bidding style.

During the game, John got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar. Everyone listened as he urinated into the toilet.

Embarrassed, his wife called out, "John, would you please close the door!"

John's partner said, "Never mind, it's the first time since we started playing that I've known what the man has in his hand!"

Daffy-nit-shuns - Bore

A bore is a person who you ask about how his bridge game went and he actually tells you all about it.

Doggone it

Said an irate tenant to the landlord: “I thought this place allows no dogs, how come every time I am ready for bed, I keeping hearing ‘ruff, ruff’ from next door?”

Slow Hand

Bridge is a game that needlessly prolongs the brain power of some of our most useless citizens.

Confusion Says ….

Every bridge player will improve to become a bore.

Hardball

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's bridge.

Bottomless Pit

They were looking at the results after finishing their game, to compare it with the others on the Traveling Score Sheet. "This is down one"; "That one is down two"; and one of them pointed another result; "Oooo, this one is the Titanic."

Starting Young

Teacher called on six year old Johnny, the bridge player's son, to count for the class.

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten-uh, jack, queen, king, ace"

Unbalanced

Playing bridge is indispensable for those who have too much brain and very little life.

Pointless
Bridge Masterpoints are like a girl in a bikini. They seem to show a lot, but the important parts are hidden.

Yam Seng
Do you know what it means when your regular partner smiles and praises you?

It means you are totally drunk and playing with a beginner.

Relatively Speaking

A bridge expert loses a little less than everyone else.

Daffy-nit-shuns – End Play

End Play: Much less fun than foreplay

Two Points to Ponder

1. Expect partner to play poorly, and he will play poorly.

Treat him as he could be, and he will become what he should be.

2. The concept of bridge partners never having an argument

suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.

A Reason why Bridge is Better

Your current partner doesn't become upset about people you played bridge with long ago

Another Reason why Bridge is Better

If your partner takes pictures of you at the table, you don't have to worry about them showing up in the tabloids and the internet.

A Sign that You are a Bridge Addict

After each successful hand, you give tips and advise to your partner.

Ace in the Hole

If you get a good partner, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, there is always poker.

Fast Forward

Partner, you're playing worse every day. Right now you're playing like the middle of next week.

Winning Move

My partner has made a major contribution to Bridge – he stopped playing it.

End Play

My partner's bridge play would improve significantly if he were dead.

Perfecting the Imperfect

In the beginning God made idiots. That was just practice. Then he made bridge partners.

Shock and Awe
Always acknowledge a mistake quickly. This will throw your partner off guard and allow you an opportunity to commit more.

Some Un-chanted Evening

Thank you partner, I had a wonderful evening -- too bad this wasn't it.

Reverse Signals

Always forgive your partners. Nothing annoys them so much.

Fall Guy

Q: If you drop my partner and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?

Not so Close Encounter

Q: What's the difference between a nice partner & a UFO?
A: I don't know. I've never seen either.

Sympathy for the Devil

Ok partner, you are right. I'm cocky and arrogant. But that doesn't mean I'm not a nice person.

How’s That Again?

I can win every argument with my partner. As a sign of their great respect, nobody wants to partner me.

Developing a Partnership

My partner says he has a photographic memory - I am not sure about the film.

All in the Family

Sometimes when I look at my partner, I wish his father had been gay.

Perfect Timing

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them only when your partner goes to the toilet.

Burning Love

I love my partner. I am so happy that I found that one special person I can annoy over and over again.

Breaking up is Easy to Do

When someone steals your partner there is no better revenge than to let him keep him.

Daffy-nit-shuns - Bigamy

Bigamy is having one partner too many. Monogamy is the same.

Slip Sliding Away

Finding a good partner is like dipping your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.

Neither Nor

I've had bad luck with both my partners. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

Confusion Says ….

When partner says too busy to play bridge, he really says too busy to play with you.

2005

2007-10-05T00:18:00.000-07:00

Timely Wish

A very old bridge player died and went to heaven. There he met God who said to him “I have been watching you play bridge for 50 years and never once in your life did you ever get angry with your partner. I am impressed. I will therefore grant you one wish.”

The old man replied “What you say is true. But how is it possible that you can watch me for 50 years when you also have to watch everyone else in the universe as well.”

God replied “Your 50 years is a but tiny fraction of a second to me. Now tell me your wish.”
The old man replied “I want to be the best bridge player in Heaven.”

God smiled and replied “Your wish is granted … in a minute.”

Bridge and Money

The best investment I ever made in my life is teaching my wife how to play bridge. She plays terribly but who cares! I must have saved a fortune keeping her away from shopping.

Quotes from George Burns

Those of us who grew up in the 60s will remember straight faced, cigar smoking George Burns. Together with his zany wife, Gracie, they were amongst the first to originate the TV comedy sitcom. As George got older, he specialised in “old age” jokes. Much less known is George’s passion for Bridge and we are fortunate to have a small legacy of his bridge jokes, a few of which are listed below.
“Bridge is my game and I play it seriously. Not well … just seriously.”

“I still lose my temper sometimes when I’m playing – that’s one of the only parts I have left to lose.”

“Now, I also have this belief I can only get mad at people I love; if I don’t care about them, why should I get angry?”

“One day I was playing bridge with a new member of my club. He made a foolish move and maybe I overreacted and said some things I shouldn’t have said. He got up and promised, “Mr. Burns, I’ll never talk to you again,” then walked out of the room. He couldn’t do that to me. “Listen,” I yelled after him, you don’t know me well enough not to talk to me again.”

“I did try to teach Gracie how to play bridge. Believe me, it would have been easier to teach her how to build a bridge.”

Creative Counting

If God wanted us to play Bridge, he would have given us 13 fingers.

Reverse Logic

Of course I can play Reverse Bids, partner. Any idiot knows how to open Club One.

Songs of Bridge

Bridge Over Troubled Water — Bridge cruise to exciting destinations like Iraq, Afghanistan and North Korea.

It’s Not Unusual — partner’s scream after you misinterpret his 2 NT bid.

Monday, Monday — what you wish for after losing Sunday’s game.

Somethin’ Stupid — whichever line of play you decide to take.

Till the End of Time — normal duration before admitting your bridge mistakes.

The Broken Whine

Disagreement is the shortest cut between two minds -- Kahlil Gibran

Foul Ball

Of course Bridge is a sport. In fact, there is more swearing and cursing in bridge than in a football locker room.

Daffy-nit-shuns : Bath Coup

Bath Coup — getting to use the tub before your roommate.

Daffy-nit-shuns : Doubleton

Doubleton — 4,000 pounds.

Bridge Limerick - Bess

There once was a lady named Bess,
Who found a new way to finesse.
She made up excuses
To lead up to deuces,
And loses without having to guess!

Till the End of Time

Millions long for immortality. Yet on a rainy Sunday, have nothing better to do than to watch TV and shop (or play bridge?).

Quotes From Literature – Signal

Only a signal shown and a distant voice in the darkness
- The Theologian’s Tale, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I have the right to be blind sometimes
I really do not see the signal
- At the Battle of Copenhagen, Horatio, Lord Nelson

How can I tell the signals and the signs?
By which one heart another heart divines?
- Emma and Eginhard, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Did You Know?

Holland teaches bridge as a subject in public schools.

Quotes From Classic Literature – “Double”

They Doubly redoubled strikes upon the for
– Macbeth, William Shakespeare

So double was his pain, so double be his praise
– The Faerie Queen, Edmund Spenser

Truth from his lips prevailed with double sway,
And fools, who came to scoff, remained to pay.
-- The Deserted Village, Oliver Goldsmith

They took me from my wife, and to save trouble
I wed again, and made the error double.
-- The Exile, John Clare

Lying Lion Bully Bull

Bridge seems to be a game where everybody thinks that they are qualified to dish out advice. Before doing so, remember the story of the Lion and the Bull.
After eating an entire bull, the lion felt so proud and great that he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Spontaneous Love

Al’s marriage was going downhill and asked his friend, Bill’s advice. After some discussion, it was clear to Bill that the passion had gone out of Al’s marriage. He suggested to Al that he had to show his wife spontaneous love and passion and he had to do it immediately as soon as he went home.
Al agreed.
A few days later, Bill met Al again and asked him how it went.
“Well” said Al, “my wife was quite surprised, but unfortunately 2 ladies in her bridge group fainted.”

Entrance Criteria-by Zain

A lady vet who worked at the SPCA had the unenviable task to put down unwanted stray dogs, mostly the female bitches. When she died, she saw St. Peter blocking the gates of heaven.
“What was your job?” asked St. Peter
The vet put her head down shamefully and replied softly, “I am a bitch slayer”
“WHAT! What did you say?” shouted St. Peter angrily.
The vet replied meekly “I am sorry, but I am a bitch slayer.”
“Oh, I misheard you. Come on in. I thought you said ‘bridge player’”

Friendly Foe

“My bridge partner hasn’t an enemy in the world. It is just that all his friends hate him.”

Trade-off

3 Bridge Convenors were discussing bridge section membership of their respective clubs.
The first one said “We got 2 new members last month”
The second one said “We did better, We got 3 new members last month”
The third one said, “ We did even better. We got rid of our 5 most quarrelsome members last month.”

Ideal Partner?

A person who will support me even if I am wrong.

Majority Opinion

“Just because someone agrees with my partner doesn't make him right. It just means there's someone else out there as stupid as him.”

Limits of Error

Sam: OK, so what if I have made a mistake. There are worse things than making a bridge mistake”
Joe: Yes, lunacy and death

Winners Take More

It's not enough to win the tricks that belong to you. Try also for some that belong to the opponents.
Alfred Sheinwold

Painful Bridge

If you have the slightest touch of masochism you'll love this game.

Daffy-nit-shuns – Jack Denies Queen

Jack Denies Queen — headlines about Marilyn Monroe’s relationship with J.F.K.

Saving the Best for Last

Since the average person's small supply of politeness must last him all his life, he can't afford to waste it on bridge partners.
Alfred Sheinwold

Spontaneous Love

Al’s marriage was going downhill and asked his friend, Bill’s advice. After some discussion, it was clear to Bill that the passion had gone out of Al’s marriage. He suggested to Al that he had to show his wife spontaneous love and passion and he had to do it immediately as soon as he went home.

Al agreed.

A few days later, Bill met Al again and asked him how it went.

“Well” said Al, “my wife was quite surprised, but unfortunately 2 ladies in her bridge group fainted.”

Entrance Criteria-by Zain

A lady vet who worked at the SPCA had the unenviable task to put down unwanted stray dogs, mostly the female bitches. When she died, she saw St. Peter blocking the gates of heaven.

“What was your job?” asked St. Peter

The vet put her head down shamefully and replied softly, “I am a bitch slayer”

“WHAT! What did you say?” shouted St. Peter angrily.

The vet replied meekly “I am sorry, but I am a bitch slayer.”

“Oh, I misheard you. Come on in. I thought you said ‘bridge player’”

Friendly Foe

“My bridge partner hasn’t an enemy in the world. It is just that all his friends hate him.”

Trade-off

3 Bridge Convenors were discussing bridge section membership of their respective clubs.

The first one said “We got 2 new members last month”

The second one said “We did better, We got 3 new members last month”

The third one said, “ We did even better. We got rid of our 5 most quarrelsome members last month.”

Ideal Partner?

A person who will support me even if I am wrong.

Majority Opinion

“Just because someone agrees with my partner doesn't make him right. It just means there's someone else out there as stupid as him.”

Limits of Error

Sam: OK, so what if I have made a mistake. There are worse things than making a bridge mistake”

Joe: Yes, lunacy and death

Winners Take More

It's not enough to win the tricks that belong to you. Try also for some that belong to the opponents.
Alfred Sheinwold

Painful Bridge

If you have the slightest touch of masochism you'll love this game.

Daffy-nit-shuns – Jack Denies Queen

Jack Denies Queen — headlines about Marilyn Monroe’s relationship with J.F.K.

Saving the Best for Last

Since the average person's small supply of politeness must last him all his life, he can't afford to waste it on bridge partners.
Alfred Sheinwold

Timely Wish

A very old bridge player died and went to heaven. There he met God who said to him “I have been watching you play bridge for 50 years and never once in your life did you ever get angry with your partner. I am impressed. I will therefore grant you one wish.”

The old man replied “What you say is true. But how is it possible that you can watch me for 50 years when you also have to watch everyone else in the universe as well.”

God replied “Your 50 years is a but tiny fraction of a second to me. Now tell me your wish.”

The old man replied “I want to be the best bridge player in Heaven.”

God smiled and replied “Your wish is granted … in a minute.”

Special Bidding Cards

We occasionally use the “STOP” and “ALERT” cards. But there are times when you really need something to protect yourself against the worst opponent on the table – your wonderful partner!

“BOZO THE CLOWN” Card : To be used only once per person per tournament. It allows your partner to retract his idiotic bid without penalty and try again.

“GUILOTTINE” Card : To be used when your crazy partner makes a vulnerable sacrifice against non-vulnerable opponents. It incurs a 1-trick penalty but disallows the opponents from doubling.

“UNDOUBLE” Card : When your confused partner passes your “Take Out” Double. The Double is cancelled with 1 trick penalty.

“POOL OF VOMIT” Card : When your partner jumps to game on your psyche bid. The hand is cancelled and you get just average minus.

Bridge and Money

The best investment I ever made in my life is teaching my wife how to play bridge. She plays terribly but who cares! I must have saved a fortune keeping her away from shopping.

Quotes from George Burns

Those of us who grew up in the 60s will remember straight faced, cigar smoking George Burns. Together with his zany wife, Gracie, they were amongst the first to originate the TV comedy sitcom. As George got older, he specialised in “old age” jokes. Much less known is George’s passion for Bridge and we are fortunate to have a small legacy of his bridge jokes, a few of which are listed below.

“Bridge is my game and I play it seriously. Not well … just seriously.”

“I still lose my temper sometimes when I’m playing – that’s one of the only parts I have left to lose.”

“Now, I also have this belief I can only get mad at people I love; if I don’t care about them, why should I get angry?”

“One day I was playing bridge with a new member of my club. He made a foolish move and maybe I overreacted and said some things I shouldn’t have said. He got up and promised, “Mr. Burns, I’ll never talk to you again,” then walked out of the room. He couldn’t do that to me. “Listen,” I yelled after him, you don’t know me well enough not to talk to me again.”

“I did try to teach Gracie how to play bridge. Believe me, it would have been easier to teach her how to build a bridge.”

Creative Counting

If God wanted us to play Bridge, he would have given us 13 fingers.

Reverse Logic

Of course I can play Reverse Bids, partner. Any idiot knows how to open Club One.

Songs of Bridge

Bridge Over Troubled Water — Bridge cruise to exciting destinations like Iraq , Afghanistan and North Korea .

It’s Not Unusual — partner’s scream after you misinterpret his 2 NT bid.

Monday, Monday — what you wish for after losing Sunday’s game.

Somethin’ Stupid — whichever line of play you decide to take.

Till the End of Time — normal duration before admitting your bridge mistakes.

The Broken Whine

Disagreement is the shortest cut between two minds -- Kahlil Gibran

Foul Ball

Of course Bridge is a sport. In fact, there is more swearing and cursing in bridge than in a football locker room.

Daffy-nit-shuns : Bath Coup

Bath Coup — getting to use the tub before your roommate.

Daffy-nit-shuns : Doubleton

Doubleton — 4,000 pounds.

Bridge Limerick - Bess

There once was a lady named Bess,

Who found a new way to finesse.

She made up excuses

To lead up to deuces,

And loses without having to guess!

Till the End of Time

Millions long for immortality. Yet on a rainy Sunday, have nothing better to do than to watch TV and shop (or play bridge?).

It’s All Relative

While a bridge tournament was going on, Satan suddenly appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the bridge club except for one man, who sit calmly in his chair, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been partnering to your sister for 25 years."

What a Downer!

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Make It Easy

Regardless of what sadistic impulses we may harbor, winning bridge means helping partner avoid mistakes.

- Frank Stewart

Bridge Dikshunairy – Bozone

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding bridge players that stops bright ideas from penetrating. Unlike the Ozone layer, the Bozone layer shows no sign of weakening.

Better You than Me

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
- Alfred Sheinwold

Reaching Your Potential

The difference between genius and stupidity at bridge is that genius has its limits.

Spouse Grouse

If you play bridge with your wife as a partner you need at least 20 points to open the bidding and it wouldn't hurt to have 25.

- Joe James

Bitter Half

When arguing while partnering their spouse, most men view it as a matter of wife or deaf.

Daffy-nit-shuns

Takeout Double — the one that your partner passes.

Bridge Movies

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea — Singapore ’s chance of winning the Bermuda Bowl World Championship.

Important Bridge Rules

Rule of Eleven — the inevitable trick total whenever you bid a slam.

Brain Pain

Bridge is a self-inflicted punishment for people with too much time and intelligence.

Sign that You are a Bridge Addict

Your idea of a good time on a beautiful weekend is to go indoors and play.

Why Bridge is Better

You can stop in the middle and have a burger and a couple of beers.

End Play

My partner has just one minor flaw. He is still alive.

Daffy-nit-shuns – Cards Metric System

52 cards = 1 decacards (deck of cards)

How’s That Again?

I assume full responsibility for my mistakes, except the ones that are someone else's fault

Family Issues

A husband playing with his wife picks up a zillion spades facing his wife who has a zillion and one hearts. The battle begins. Higher and higher they go. In spite of the nasty looks he has been getting, he bids 7S over her 7H bid, which finally buys the contract.

The lead is made and when the dummy hits, he sees he can't make 7S, but 7H is cold. He knows he is in very big trouble.

He tries to cool his wife down before playing to trick one by saying, "Sorry dear, I should have withdrawn. "

She says, "You should have withdrawn? Your father should have withdrawn!"

Send in the Clowns

I smile while playing Bridge because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Bridge Dikshunairy – Dopeler Effect

Dopeler Effect (n): The tendency to make stupid mistakes when rushing.

Confusion Says …

Bridge player who plays as good at 50 as he played at 30 has wasted 20 years of his life.

Bridge Movies

Bridge On the River Kwai — one of the first bridge cruises in Asia … a real blowout!

Important Bridge Rules

Second Hand Plays Low — the easiest way to lose your aces on defense.

Famous Last Words

After he had won a bridge tournament with his wife as his partner, she asked him,

“Now don’t I deserve a reward?”

“What do you have in mind, honey,” he asked

“How about taking me somewhere I have never gone before.”

“Are you sure you want me to take you to the kitchen.”

A Sign that You are a Bridge Addict

You curse the game only to play it the next day.

Why Bridge is Better

You have 4 queens at your fingertips just waiting to go down on the table.

(Jacks will make tricks as well)

Divine Quota

God must hate bridge players. He made so few good ones.

20-20 Hindsight

The trouble with Bridge is that there is no rewind button.

Roles of Partner

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things to your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your Bridge partner.

Cock-eyed

Like contact lenses, a good partner is in the eye of the beholder.

Elm Street Boss

You really want to know what my partner is like. Freddy Kruger takes lessons from him.

Cheeky

“When we won the tournament, I kissed my partner on both cheeks”

“What a coincidence! I made so many mistakes, my partner told me to kiss his both his cheeks as well – the lower ones.”

Double Exposure

Don't argue with your partner; people watching may not be able to tell who the idiot is.

Fair and Square

I am quite fair to all my partners. I treat them all equally like idiots.

Mixed Blessing

You are lucky to have me as your partner as I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

Why Bridge is Better

You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

Picture Perfect

My partner has a photographic memory. He just doesn’t have film.

Virgin Territory

I always forgive my partner for his mistakes. Thinking was unfamiliar territory to him.

Poor Start

Partner, I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Missing Partner

Some people say that my partner has “table presence”. I don’t know. What I do know is that he has a perfectly delightful absence.

Null Hypothesis

My Partner started out with nothing & still has most of it left.

Train-Wrecked

Unfortunately, my Partner’s train of thought has a caboose

End Play

Not all Partners are annoying. Some are dead.

Fair Deal
I'll try being nicer, partner, if you'll try being smarter.

Dog Gone Days

What is the difference between a 3-week old puppy and a bridge partner?

In six weeks the puppy stops whining.

Sigh-lence Please

Player: Thanks for not telling me off for that mistake, Partner.

Partner: Shh! I'm trying to imagine you with a brain.

Un-Sorry, Partner

Okay, okay, I take it back! I Un-idiot you!

Escape Clause

The best thing about bridge is that if something goes wrong, you can tell everyone that your partner screwed up.

Forgone Conclusion

There are 5 methods on how to argue with your partner ... none works.

Heart Break

Bill: My cardiologist says I should not play bridge anymore.

Tom: Is bridge causing stress to your heart?

Bill: Nope, to my partner’s heart.

Silence Please

When arguing with your partner, never miss a good chance to shut up.

Survival of the Meanest

The only reason my partner is alive is because it's illegal to kill him.

Leveling With Partner
If I did everything right, Partner, I wouldn't be playing with you!

One Two

When my partner makes a mistake, I always count to 10 before saying anything. It usually takes him that long to recover from my punch anyway.

Good Old Daze

I remember my younger days when I used to play bridge. They were the days of whine and neuroses.

How Sweet It Is

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

Blunt Edge

Experience is a great advantage. When you finally have enough, you are too old to do anything with it.

Omega Tau Alpha

Experience is a crazy teacher because she gives the Test first and the Lesson afterwards.

Speaking From Experience

Bridge is definitely not habit forming. I should know. I have been playing for decades.

Trumped?

To play the game well may be a sign of an ill-spent life.

Aging in Comfort

Bridge is a great comfort in old age. It also helps you get there faster.

Bridge to Paradise

Married men who play bridge are lucky. They get to die sooner.

Water Under the Bridge

My grandfather gets really excited when he makes a slam. That is why he wears two pairs of pants when he plays bridge.

Two Reasons why Bridge is better

1. You get better as you get older

2. If your equipment gets old and bent, you can replace it for a dollar!

2003

2007-10-04T23:56:00.000-07:00

Poisoned Mushrooms

One of the best players in the world, Bob Hamman of USA , was partnering his wife at a major championship. After aggressively bidding to 6H he promptly went down when the opponents cashed the Ace and King of trumps.

“Way to go, Bob” his wife muttered sarcastically.

Hamman smiled and said, “Did I ever mention to you how my first wife died? She died from eating poison mushrooms. As was the case of my second wife, she too ate poison mushrooms and died. Alas, my third wife hates mushrooms and won’t touch the stuff. She died from a blow to the head.!!!”

Remember this the next time you play and be courteous to your partner! Needless to say, Bob’s ex-wife and his macabre sense of humour are very much alive.

Aced

Too bad partner. It was an unlucky grand slam you bid. The ace of trumps was on the wrong side.

How’s That Again?

"The difference between an excellent bridge player and an incompetent bridge player is that excellence has its limits.”

Man versus Machine

Remember, if you can't beat your computer at bridge, don’t give up --try kick boxing.

Feminine Logic

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Unfamiliar Partners

"Unfamiliar partnerships often can reap big rewards. The reason? No understanding -- no misunderstanding!"

Problem Solving?

Novice : For a long time I was ashamed of the way I played Bridge.
Friend : So you have finally improved – that’s wonderful
Novice : No, I finally got over being ashamed.

Novice’s Lament

Novice : Is there a way I can win easily?
Expert : No, but there is a way to lose more slowly

Movie Quotes

Bad (bridge) table manners, my dear Gigi, have broken up more households than infidelity.
-- From the movie Gigi 1958

(My partner) is as sharp as a pound of wet liver
-- Foghorn Leghorn 1949

Intellectual Game

Asked why he does not play any intellectual games like Chess or Bridge, Homer replied, “My idea of an intellectual game is trying to remember which is the Sports Channel”

It’s all Relative

When my 80-year-old grandfather finally retired after 20 years of playing bridge, he had this to say “My Bridge days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured since my birth.”

How much fun is Bridge?

Bridge is the most fun a person can have without laughing.

Bridge Wisdom

Bridge wisdom does not necessarily come with practice. Sometimes practice is all you are ever going to get.

Long Bridge to Cross

A two-day bridge tournament was invented because it is impossible to cram all the bad luck into one day.

Last Year’s Resolution

If over the past year you have kept your 2002 New Year’s resolution not to “correct” your partner when he makes a mistake – check your pulse. You may be dead.

Bridge Poker.

During a Bridge course, this guy had been coming for five weeks but not paying any attention. He was there because his girlfriend insisted and he could not have cared less. The teacher left him alone because they had enough bodies to fill up each table without him.

On the evening of the sixth class one of the "regulars" couldn't make it and the teacher was forced to have this guy sit in. As luck would have it, this guy was the dealer on a prepared hand. He has six hearts and 13 HCP, an easy one heart opening bid. Easy for anyone else, that is. This guy didn't have a clue. Finally the teacher asked him what he was going to bid.

No answer.

"Well, how many points do you have?"

No answer.

The teacher reviews the point count and finally the guy adds up his points and miraculously comes to 13.
"Good" said the teacher, "Now what are you going to open?" No answer.
The players at the other tables were becoming impatient. Finally the teacher said, "It doesn't matter, just open anything you like."
"O.K." the guy says, "I'll open for a dollar."

Quotes From ‘Bridge in the Fifth Dimension’

Victor Mollo has written several bridge books with exotic animals that have extreme personalities. Several of his so-called “menagerie” books are available at the National Library. Those who enjoy bridge hand stories laced with stereotyping, twists and turns, and sarcasm will no doubt find his books both entertaining and (horror of horrors) even educational!

Below are a few (slightly modified) quotes from his book “Bridge in the Fifth Dimension” to give you a flavor of what to expect.

“Clever of you not to miscount the Spades, partner. What a pity you did not show the same advance technique with the Diamonds.”

“Has your Dummy play finally reached the dizzy heights of mediocrity”

“Should I require your opinion, partner, I will give it to you.”

“Losing is due to making the wrong mistakes. Every effort should be made to pick the right mistakes”

“Partner, let me play the hand occasionally”
“But I only played one contract”
“Far too many”

Different Systems

Englishman: I use the ACOL System. I open 4-card Majors
Irishman: I use the ALCOHOL System. I open anything and don’t worry about it.

Unethical Singleton

South is playing a No Trump contract. He has Axx in dummy facing the KJ10 in his hand. He knows West has a singleton because East had opened a weak 2 in that suit. His plan is to lead the jack to the ace and then finesse the 10 on the way back. When he leads the J, West hesitates for quite a while and then plays low.
“And just which half of that singleton were you thinking of playing?" queried South

Belle Trained

Asked by his friends how he fares partnering his wife, Peter replies “I am British. We have a Queen on the throne for half a century had a female Prime Minister for 3 terms and I have been married for 40 years. I know how to take orders from a woman.”

Doctor’s Remedy

A pretty young thing showed up at her Bridge Club without a partner and carrying an apple.
“Isn’t it obvious? I don’t want to end up partnering that old grouch Dr. Gruff. Everybody knows an apple a day keeps the doctor away.”

Silent Partner

Blessed is a partner who has nothing bad to say and cannot be persuaded to say it.

Controlling Your Words

If you can’t be kind to your partner, at least be vague

Partner Barter?

“Guess what! I got a new pack of cards for my bridge partner.”
“Sounds like you made a pretty good trade”

Partnering Your Boss

“Don’t you find it difficult to partner your boss at bridge”
“Not really. He goes his way and I go his way.”

Lovable Partner

Wife: You scold me all the time at bridge. See how much Janet’s husband loves her? Can’t you be the same?
Husband: Sure, but will Janet agree?

Dropping the Singleton

Sam bid aggressively and pushed to 7S. As Sam was putting his hand down as dummy, he asked his partner “Is there any way to make the contract?”
His partner, Joe, calmly replied “Sure Sam, we have to hope that the SK, SQ and SJ are all singletons.”

Missing a Trump

Sam has a short memory and soon he again pushed to 7H on the next hand. As he was putting his hand down as dummy he again asked Joe, his partner “I have 3 honours in Hearts this time, partner, can we make the contract?”
“No problem, Sam” Joe replied “we have to hope that the Ace of trumps is on the right side.”

Backfired Apology

Sam : Sorry partner, my brain just went dead
Joe : Not only dead, decomposed.

Changing Partners

Larry: Hey Sam, why don’t you partner Joe anymore?
Sam: Would you play bridge with an incompetent and rude partner?
Larry: I guess not
Sam: Neither will Joe

Salvaging your Pride

Even if you go down 5 tricks doubled, it should not be considered a complete failure. After all, you can always use it as an example of poor bidding by your partner.
Perfect Partner
A perfect partner is one that bids and plays perfectly and accepts that his partner does not.

Blurred

A man was filling in the form at the optometrist for an eye test. Under the section that said “Recommended By: ” he filled in “My Bridge Partner”

Looking for Partner

Sam: I am looking for a partner who is strong. A partner who is understanding.”
Joe: Well, make up your mind

Bridge Player’s Hell

Driving home after an all night Bridge session, 3 very sleepy and drunk bridge players went over a cliff, died and went to Hell.

“Welcome, welcome to Hell” said the devil to the dazed players.
“I don’t see any fire and brimstone here,” said Al, who was an excellent and accurate Bidder.
“That is old fashion.” retorted the Devil “Nowadays we are customer oriented and we customize our punishment to fit our customers."

“For you, Al,” the devil continued, “your bridge partner for all eternity will be a person who will always bid a grandslam except when you can actually make a grandslam, in which case, he will pass your opening bid”. Al fainted at the thought

The devil now turned to Bill, who was very good in bridge defense. “Your partner for eternity will be this old color blind lady with severe astigmatism. She cannot tell which suit is which and will revoke throughout the game, costing you a lot of penalty tricks.” Needless to say, Bill screamed in agony.

The devil’s attention now turned to Sam, who was already shivering from fright. Sam was a lousy bridge player who never ever admits he is ever wrong. He continuously insults, shouts and complains about his partner’s every bid and play.

“You will have to play with this man,” said the devil as he walked away.
“H..e..ll..o” said Sam “my name is Sam and you are my partner for eternity”

“My name is Charles Goren, and you are my punishment” he sobbed.

Partner’s Purpose

My partner’s sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Daffy-nit-shuns – Optomist/Pessimist

In a tournament, an Optimist feels that if the finesse works, he will get a good score. A Pessimist feels that even if the finesse works, it is going to be a flat board anyway.

So True

Incomprehensible good luck beats skill anytime.

Blurred Vision

In Bridge, you cannot depend on your judgement when your imagination is out of focus.

Daffy-nit-shuns – Winning

Winning is how high you have bounced after you hit bottom.

Humility?

Remember to show humility when you win a tournament and are congratulated for your efforts. For those of you who don’t know what humility is, it is the ability to look appropriately shy while explaining to people how wonderful you are.

How’s That Again?

If you are not confused, you are just not thinking clearly.

Discarding a Loser

Late during a bridge lesson, the teacher covered the part on how to discard a loser. He then saw one of his students, a middle-aged lady, dozing off at the back of the class.

Raising his voice, he called out “Mrs. Smith, can you explain to the class on how to get rid of a loser?”

She staggered up groggily and replied “I divorced him many years ago.”

“ Bath Coup then En Passant then Suicide Squeeze”

If you think fishermen and financial consultants are the biggest bluffers, you should ask a bridge player how he made his most difficult contract.

Believe it or Not

Charles Goren disliked Sam Stayman and never would call the Stayman convention by name in his bridge column; instead he would called it the 2C convention.

Wrong and Right

It takes a good bridge player to readily admit when he is wrong and even a better player to keep his mouth shut when he is right.

Sick of Bad Cards

Bad cards, like the common cold, must run its course.

Success
Success is not only measured by how many tournaments you win. In its purest sense, it occurs when you make an effort to be better today than you were yesterday and try to become even better tomorrow.

Circular Reasoning

A woman who wanted to improve her memory decided to join a bridge course. Halfway through filling the registration form, she crumpled it up and walked away saying,
“If I could remember my IC number, Telephone number and my Postal Code, I would not be registering for this course in the first place.”

Daffy-nit-shuns – Enthusiast/Fanatic

The difference between a bridge enthusiast and a bridge fanatic is night and all night.

Huh?

“If you are always making your contract, you are not bidding high enough.”

Winning Strategy

After a grueling 36-board event, the winner was asked which part of the match was the most crucial to his victory.

Without any hesitation he replied, “The coffee break”

How’s That Again?

This was announced at a Bridge Tournament recently:

“The game will begin once the buffet lunch is over and the waitresses have taken everything off”

The Bridge on the River Kwai (a Feghoot by Inzane)

The infamous Bridge on the River Kwai became well known all around the world after the movie was made.

But after 50 years, time and heavy traffic had taken its toll and the bridge became quite wobbly and shaky and a safety hazard. The authorities decided that it should be replaced with an exact replica, but using strong modern material. The original bridge would not be demolished due to its historical significance, and it would stand next to the new bridge as a tourist attraction.

The pair came to be known as Rubber Bridge and Duplicate Bridge .
(Feel free to groan)

Novice’s Lament

“All the bridge tournaments I have participated in have 3 things in common – an optimistic beginning, a tough middle and a lousy end”

Humility

Humility is a strange thing – the moment you think you have it, you have lost it!

Sezs Who!

Erik and his team had just won the World Championships. He returned to his hometown and went to his local club for a game of bridge. About midway through the game, he is competing in spades against the opponents, who were bidding hearts. Finally, he yanks out the 3S bid from the bidding box and slaps it on the table loudly, so he won't get doubled. It doesn't work. His opponent doubles.

Erik looks at him and says: "Do you know who I am?'
The guy says: "Yes I know who you are."
Erik says: "Do you know how many masterpoints I have?"
The guy says, "No, but do you know how many spades I have?"

Two Timing Queen

P. Hal Sims was one of “The 4 Horsemen” – a team that won several major tournaments in the 1930s. Nowadays, he is mainly remembered for his incredible ability to read the body language of his opponents and, by so doing, made the extraordinary claim that he could never ever misguess the queen in a 2-way finesse position.

One day, his friends played a trick on him and set up a hand where there was a 2-way finesse in the trump suit. He gazed at both opponents intently and then made the incredible statement “Goddamn it – they’ve both got the queen!”

Needless to say, this was the trick his friends were trying to pull on him. They inserted an extra Queen in the rigged hand, so that whichever way he finessed, he would lose.
The record of P. Hal Sims, body language reader extrodinaire, remains firmly intact.

Counting on You

Count your losers and count your winners. If the total doesn't come to 13, count your cards.

Understanding Happiness during Bridge - by Inzane

A Smile occurs when you greet your partner before the game.
A fake Smile occurs when you greet your opponents on the table.
A Grin occurs when your finesse works
A Chuckle occurs when your squeeze works
A Snicker occurs when your opponent makes a silly mistake.
A Snigger occurs when you want the rest of the room to know it as well.
A boisterous Laughter occurs when you join your friends for a drink after the game and you tell them about the silly mistakes everyone else made.

Falling Odds

Joe returned very late at night from a bridge game and excitedly told his non-bridge playing wife “What a fantastic hand I was dealt today. I had 10 Spades in my hand including all the honours!”
His wife said nothing.

“You don’t understand the odds. It happens once in a million deals!” Joe explained.

Without looking up, she replied. “I figure you must have played about that many.”

Early Starter

George Kaufman was a famous playwright and an excellent bridge player. Needless to say, some of his wit spilt onto the bridge table.
After partnering a pretty young thing, he sweetly inquired “Tell me, my dear, when did you learn to play bridge? I know it was today, but what time today?”

Bridge over Troubled Waters
3 guys who have been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon."It's certainly not a ship," one says to another.As the speck gets closer and closer, they begin to rule out the possibilities of a boat, then even a raft.Then slowly emerging from the surf comes a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guys and says, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," they replied.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes and matches. They each take one, light it, and take a long drag and say, “Man, oh man That’s good!"

She continued "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of scotch?"
Trembling with excitement, the castaways reply, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to them. They open the flask and each of them takes a long swig. “Man, oh man That’s good!" they drooled.At this point she starts SLOWLY unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the men seductively and asks,

"And how long has it been since you've played around?"

The 3 guys fall to their knees and sob,

"On my God! Don't tell me you've brought along Bridge cards too!”

Daffy-nit-shuns -- Bridge Expert

A Bridge Expert is a person who can tell you more about the game than you really care to know.

Not That Smart

A man walked by a table where 3 people were playing bridge with a dog, which was playing with extraordinary concentration.

"This must be a very smart dog," the man commented"Not so smart," said the dog’s partner, "He forgot to unblock the ace in a straightforward Vienna Coup in the last hand.”

Bridge Tongue Twister – by Inzane

Bridge makes Old Men’s Mind Younger and Young Men’s Mind Older.
(Try to repeat 5 times very quickly without making a mistake)

How’s That Again?

Misprint in an upcoming bridge tournament flyer “There will be a $2 registration feel for ladies at the door”

2002

2007-10-02T03:46:00.000-07:00

Bruised Shin

Giving a man his physical, the doctor noticed several dark,ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey,soccer, or some physical sport?"

"No," he answered. "I play bridge with my wife."

Bridge Personalities

Mae WestIt may not be generally known that Mae West – the sex symbol of the forties -- was a keen bridge player.

Perhaps that inspired her to quip the following when someone, noticing her jewelry, said to her“Goodness, What wonderful Diamonds you have”

“My Dear, Goodness had nothing to do with it”

Bridge Quote – Malcolm Forbes

Below is a quotation from the former US presidential candidate and owner of the highly respected Forbes Magazine -- Malcolm Forbes. " Playing bridge reflects intelligence. It's one of the really great pleasures of life. I think anybody who's missing bridge is missing so much in life. Don't make the mistake of missing out on the fun of bridge."

Quite an endorsement from a super busy multi-millionaire who sits on the board of so many companies as well as the bridge table!

Bridge Excuses

a. Sorry partner. I would have led my singleton but it was so small I could not see it.

b. Now what are you complaining about partner. I led my singleton as you wanted. How was I to know that it does not apply to the trump suit?

Bridge Statistics

Did you know 43.6 percent of all slam contracts fail.
62.7 percent of all bridge players are women.
97.8 percent of all bridge statistics, including these, are made up.

So True …

Bridge is a great comfort in your old age. It also helps you get there faster.

We had a partnership misunderstanding. My partner assumed I knew what I was doing.

There are three kinds of bridge players:

1. Those who can count, and Those who can't.

Q & A :

Do you know what the difference is between a mad psycho serial killer and a bridge partner? ... A : You can reason with the serial killer.

Double Trouble

Learning she was going to have twins, the bridge playing wife said, ... "That's just like my husband, doubling me when I'm vulnerable”.

Quick Tip of the Month

Experts avoid the use of Blackwood, but novices love it and even use it with a void!

Huh?

Why take a simple finesse to make your contract when you can go down in style on a triple squeeze play.

Misunderstanding

“We had a partnership misunderstanding. My partner assumed I knew what I was doing.”

Deja Vous

You know you're in trouble when you are the declarer and the opponents start drawing trumps.

Quote

I never disliked a man so much that I would return his diamonds --- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Memory School

Two elderly gentlemen were playing Bridge on Saturday evening, as they have for the past 35 years.

Max, the older, is having problems remembering which cards were which, and he usually needs help from his wife. At the end of the card game, Ed says to Max, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"

Max replies, "Ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, Ihaven't had any problems at all."

"Memory school? What memory school?" Ed asks.

Max thinks for a moment. "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower?"

"A rose?""Yeah, that's it!" Max says. He then turns to his wife and mumbles,"Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"

Huh?

A well-balanced player makes up for his inadequacy in the bidding with his ineptitude in the play.

When to Give up Bridge

First you forget to how finesse, then you forget what picture cards have been played. After that you forget what the contract was and finally you forget to pull your zipper up!

How Observant Are You?

The King of which Suit is stabbing himself in the head?
The King of which Suit you can see only one eye?

Check your cards to see if you are correct!

Player's Lament

“I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.”

Finite Memory

"And how is Bridge supposed to make me smarter? Every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"

Huh?

"I always arrive late for my Bridge, but I make up for it by leaving late

An Ode to Bridge

I’m giving up bridge - tonight's my last night
It’s amen to Stayman, I give up the fight.
The insults and muddles are giving me troubles.
I can't sleep at night for thinking of doubles.

My cards are all rotten
And I have forgotten
Who has played what and what is trump
Sitting for hours with a sore rump

So it’s all over tonight - I'm off to the backwoods
I’m bidding goodbye to Gerber and Blackwoods.
I can't stand the hassle,
I can't stand the pain
I’m getting those bad cards again and again.

Another bad nightNothing's gone right.
My partner's a dope
I'm losing all hope.
When opponents say "double"
I know we're in trouble.

My points are not high,
and I'm wondering why
She kept on bidding right up to the sky.
We're in seven spades,
I doubt she makes
When surprise, surprise,
all tricks she takes

The defenders feel sick
My partner’s really slick.
All of a sudden,
gone is my sorrow
And yes, I’ll play again tomorrow!

A Woman’s Viewpoint

Life with Men is like Bridge
You need a Heart to love them;
A Diamond to marry them;
A Club to beat them;
And a Spade to bury them.

A Man’s Viewpoint

The bride came down the aisle, and when she reached the altar, she saw the groom with a deck of bridge cards in his tuxedo pocket.

She said, "Darling, what are your bridge cards doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

A Child’s Viewpoint
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said.
"Good! Can you tell me what comes after three."
"Four," answers little Johnny.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher.
“What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says little Johnny.

Filosophy a la The Simpsons

Bart decides to learn Bridge.
He convinces his dad Homer to buy him some cards and a beginner’s book and starts to learn.
A week later, the cards are scattered and the book is buried in a closet.
Homer asks "Bart, why aren't you learning Bridge?"
"It's too hard, Dad," Bart replies.
"Son," the elder Simpson mused philosophically, "anything that’s hard can't be worth doing. Let's go watch TV!" -- from “The Simpsons” (modified)

How True

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you sit at the bridge table.